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Mom advice needed.. (long)
I just want to thank you in advance for taking the time to read this and share any advice you may have regarding my situation.
A little background, my mom and stepdad live about 900 miles away. My mom is (I'm pretty sure) an alcoholic. My mom and dad divorced when I was 7, we moved in with my grandpa then my mom basically went wild, out partying and never coming home or calling. So my grandpa was my parent. When my mom married my stepdad they were not good parents, letting me do whatever I wanted skip school, drink and party with them. They were more friends than parents.
Now I'm married and starting my own family, my grandpa passed away years ago and my moms abuse of alcohol has gotten worse, she drinks until she gets mean and rude and passes out. My stepdad and I talk about this and he is like well thats just her... Every time I visit it always ends up the same she gets so drunk she is mean and i just don't like who she is.
They visited a few months ago because I was newly pregnant, it was my birthday, and we had just bought a new house. My in laws live about a mile away so they were over for my birthday and to mingle with my parents. My mom was getting drunk and being so mean to my MIL and my husband it was unbelievable, my stepdad had went out to visit some friends and after my MIL left and my step dad came home we got into a pretty big fight about the situation.
It came down to the point where we told them they had to leave because this was our house and we were not going to take them being so disrespectful. They left the next morning with out saying a word. We didn't talk for about a month and then I heard my mom was planning me a baby shower... She never apologized for the way she acted or anything and I was just like, well ok. I don't want a baby shower because she will just get drunk and pass like at our engagement party.
It ended up coming out she was jealous of my IL's because they were going to be closer to the baby and she was not going to be able to have the relationship my grandpa and I had. Yeah, because I'm going to be there for my son, I'm not going to be missing for days and leaving him with his grandparents. I finally told my mom I wasn't going to be coming to the baby shower because 1. I didn't want it and 2. she was going to get drunk and be an embarrassment (like at our engagement party). She of course denied it and said she was sorry for acting that way at my engagement party.
Now she is telling me she has taken off two weeks to come when the baby comes, I asked her what she was going to do here and she said hold the baby. If you are going to come 'help' why wouldn't you cook or vacuum or something, you are not coming here to hold my baby. I don't want them coming here at all really I know what my mom will do and how the situation will end up being and I don't know if I will be able to handle that with a new baby, the way she acts and treats me I don't know if I even want her in my sons life. My IL's are so nice and supportive and do all these things for the baby and my parents havent done one thing.
I feel like I don't even want them in my life but I don't want to be making some rash decision, I know my mom needs help but she wont admit it, she told me while they were here they wanted to buy the car seat for us, but she didn't have the money right then, but then she went and spend $150 on liquor, beer, and wine. I just don't know what to do at this point, if I try and talk to my mom about her problem she just gets mean and shuts down. I really have no idea what to do.
I'm sorry this is so long and thanks again for any advice you have, I'm also sorry this is a bit all over the place I'm really upset and baffled by the situation and I have no idea what to do.
Re: Mom advice needed.. (long)
I think I would actually tell her that she cannot be involved in the baby's life until she seeks treatment for the alcohol. If she makes an effort to do that, she can come spend time with the baby. But, I'm guessing she won't make the effort because she just doesn't want to. Not yet at least. Maybe when her actions have some sort of consequences she'll care enough.
She's actually had a pretty sweet deal every time she drinks. Someone else takes care of her kid, someone else takes care of her, her family still keeps her around......what exactly has she had to lose so far by acting this way?
I'd cut her off until she gets help.
To the simple situation of her wanting to stay with you - stand strong. "Thanks for the offer, but I'm not going to have anyone staying in our home.". She'll pout, argue, etc. Stand strong.
Remember- this is YOUR baby and YOUR sanity and YOUR life. Baby comes first. not your mom. You can't fix her or her problems or her jealousy. That's all for her to deal with.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this, though.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Sorry you're dealing with this.
If you want her to be a part of your life and your son's life, I would only limit her visits to as much time as you can stand (even if that's only an hour or two out of her two-week visit), and make sure to never leave her alone with the baby. Don't let her stay with you - she can find a hotel nearby. Also make it crystal-clear that she'll be asked to leave if she's drunk or starts drinking.
If you don't want her to be a part of your life (and frankly I wouldn't blame you), then tell her that you've had enough and that you aren't willing to see her again unless she makes a visible effort to get sober. Then, don't answer her calls and don't allow her in your house or let her see the baby. I would not set your hopes of her sobriety too high, though, given her history ... and given that history, it would absolutely not be a "rash decision" to exclude her from your life and keep her away from your baby. Really stop and consider if you want to expose your son to a person like that.
Either way, remember that trust and love need to be earned. She's blown NUMEROUS chances to redeem herself and be a real mother to you. You don't owe her a single thing. This is YOUR life and YOUR child, and even if she was the world's most perfect mother you still have a 100% right to set the rules as to how she interacts with you and your child. Do not feel guilty about this. You don't need to make yourself unhappy, nor do you need to expose a new baby to this trainwreck, just to avoid hurting her feelings. It's very obvious that she doesn't care about yours, so why should you bend over backward to grant her that courtesy?
wow i'm sorry you're dealing with this what a mess!
i completely understand why you're conflicted. it's got to be SO difficult to cut out a parent because of a disease but frankly i dont blame you one bit for not wanting her there.
i agree wtih donny completely.
You need to go to Al-Anon. Like a decade ago, but now will be fine.
Al-Anon meetings are for people whose lives have been affected by the drinking of others. You qualify. Your life has been affected by your mother's drinking. Your life is currently being affected by your mother's drinking. By attending these meetings, you will be able to share your story and hear the experiences of other who are in or who have been in your shoes.
Al-anon won't give you the magic words that will stop your mother's drinking or make her addiction more manageable. But the meetings can give you a great deal of peace inside yourself as you realize you cannot control your mother or her drinking. Her addiction is more important to her than anything else (obviously).
Detach with love. Your mother is NEVER going to be the mother you deserve. She can't go back in time and make herself into a mother worthy of the name. Even if she got sober tomorrow, she will still never be able to erase her years of neglect. But you can figure out how YOU want to respond to her chaos and insanity. Al-Anon is a good first step to figure that out.
from my perspective, it sounds like your mom may have some regrets and may genuinely want to take steps towards reviving a connection with you/your family. IF this is the case, a push from you could inspire her to start the process of recovery. i think being passive-aggressive sometimes can lead to alienation (which, if this is what you want, might also be positive for you and your family-no situation will be win/win). but if you have ANY desire to keep her in your life, i think a pro-active approach should be considered.
here's my (lame?) advice:
write her a long letter.
when you finish, carefully proof read the letter to change all the sentences into first person sentences... i.e. "I think that..." "I am concerned..." "Sometimes I feel..." etc..
try also to edit out accusations of events that haven't happened yet.
finish the letter by asking her to wait at least 24 hours before she call you to discuss what you said, so that she has time to carefully develop her list of grievances.
mail it.
when you talk to her, try not to raise your voice. if she starts to raise her voice, then quietly ask her to call you back when she feels calm again and hang up. repeat if necessary.
in an ideal world, this way everything is on the table and everyone gets their side heard. hopefully your mom will realize what she needs to do to be a part of your life.
My elf!
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Having a parent with an addiction is miserable.
First, do not feel like you are being harsh or rash. It wasn't until I had kids of my own that I stopped putting up with so much crap from my parents. I realized that my kids deserved better, and that includes having a healthy happy mom. If having your mother stay with you will cause you stress rather that be a source of comfort, don't let her stay with you. It is completely ok to put your new family first.
I can not recommend counseling or Al-Anon enough. I have not been to Al-Anon myself but I have been in therapy for years and it has been a huge help. Counseling will help you come to terms with your feelings on your mother's addiction and help you find boundaries that feel right to you. Your mother may or may not accept the boundaries that you set, but that is her choice. The important thing is not to let her guilt you in to situations that you are not comfortable with.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I'm an adult child of an alcoholic, and given what you say in your post, I'd say your mom certainly seems like an alcoholic.
One of the hardest things I've had to do was tell my dad that I would not allow him to be around my kids when he's drunk. But I HAD to do it. I needed to protect my children from some of the scary things I lived through when I was a kid. It was a pretty tough conversation, but I knew I was doing the right thing. I've had to draw the line with him over a few issues since my DD was born, and it gets easier every time. It's very satisfying. I can't change my own childhood with my dad, but I can darn well prevent my kids from having to live under that dark cloud!
If you are unsure how to handle your mom, maybe you need the support of a group for family members of an alcoholic such as Al-Anon.
Keeping her out of your child's life would not be a rash decision. It's not like her drinking just got out of control yesterday- you've been watching her self-destruct for years. She's had a few decades to get help, but has done nothing. You have a long string of evidence proving that she will continue to disappoint you. In my opinion, exposing your innocent child to her behavior would be the rash thing to do.
I second the recommendation for you to go to Al Anon, and to tell her she will not get to be involved in her grandchild's life, or your life, until she gets treatment for her alcoholism and shows you that she has changed. I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this.
^THIS! In a big way!! I grew up with an alcoholic parent and my FIL is one as well. He was mighty pissed off one night when I told FIL that if he had been drinking I wouldn't speak with him-I hung up the phone. That's my life, that's my choice. I have my own parent and don't tolerate his drinking either. It's up to you to take care of yourself, then you will be able to help your child take care of theirself if they ever want to have grandma in their life (say after 18, if she's still around). You need to be the role model now on how to handle these things-you will be having your own child looking up to you and following your lead soon enough.
Lots of new moms don't want to host a parent when they come home with a newborn. It's perfectly normal to say that you'd prefer to get settled into a routine and have a visit a few weeks or months down the road.
It's not your job to make her feel comfortable and welcome with your new baby. Not even close.
And no, its hardly rash to come to this decision. It seems like its been YEARS in the making.