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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
MIL isn't getting it
Long story short DH had a relationship almost 10 years ago with an XGF that ended badly (his fault). Tthe two were able to mend fences and both have subsequently moved on with their lives. They are friends on FB but beyond that do not talk or anything and that's fine with me. I am from the school of thought that I don't maintain contact/relations with any of my exes. Recently MIL booked a trip to a state where the ex happens to live, she was going to see relatives. The ex lives in a city almost 2 hours away and MIL called DH and asked if she could get the ex's contact info so she could call her. DH got the call in a meeting and was not in a place where he could discuss it so he just sent the info to his mom. Next thing you know MIL calls DH and says she is meeting up with the ex during her trip and is that ok? DH said I can't speak for my wife but I don't really care. By the time this news gets to me it's already set up by MIL. I told DH I thought it was weird she was doing it, after all they hadn't spoken in 10 years. I also said if she's going to go I don't need to hear all about it. I am not the kind of person to call MIL to tell her what to do and what not to do, I just told DH what I thought (and in no way came across like I thought it was normal or OK) and based on that really didn't expect to hear any more about it. Well FF to week MIL is out of town. She calls DH while he is in the car with me and is talking about her pending visit with the ex. I loudly said I don't particularly want to hear or talk about this, especially since I am hormonal and about to give birth to our second son. Now MIL gets paranoid about her visiting the ex (I have no clue if she cancelled with her or not) and now she wants to call me and DH and chat about how she may have made a mistake in thinking it was ok. I just want it dropped, like I said I did before. I don't need to hash out this or that but she just isn't getting the hint. Should I just let her have her 15 minutes and go n about how sorry she is or nip it in the bud and just tell her I know you didn't mean I'll will but drop it already?
Re: MIL isn't getting it
I 100% agree with you that it's weird.
I will say that I don't understand why your DH was in a meeting where he couldn't discuss it, but yet he was able to send the information? That seems odd.
But anyhow -
At the same time, it seems to be a bigger issue that it really needs to be. You say:
I am not the kind of person to call MIL to tell her what to do and what not to do, I just told DH what I thought (and in no way came across like I thought it was normal or OK) and based on that really didn't expect to hear any more about it.
I feel like you THINK you aren't making a big deal about it, but at the same time, I think the message that is being sent is that this IS a big deal to you. I kind of think you're sending mixed messages, in a sense.
Again, I find it odd that your MIL is reaching out to this girl, but as it is an ex from 10 years ago, I'm just not getting why it's bothering you as much as it is. And yes- I think it's bothering you more than you want to admit.
ETA: Hit post too soon.... if you aren't ok w/ this and have a problem with it, then SAY SO. Tell DH "actually, yes, I'm bothered by this". You dont' want to tell her what to do, but yet.... you do. So- either speak up to how you really feel, or just shut up about it and really make it a non-issue. Pick a side. You're waffling in the middle.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This. Just tell her you don't want her to do it.
Well, apparently you are just being passive aggressive by saying you don't care then yelling things in the background while your husband is on the phone with his mother. You are putting your husband and your MIL in a very difficult position.
I don't think there is anything wrong with saying (or feeling) "I don't care if you contact / visit / chat with Xgf, but I am not interested in her or her life, and I am not interested in hearing about your visits."
If that is how you feel, make that clear. You are ok with X (MIL visiting Xgf), but not with Y (MIL sharing news of her visits to Xgf with you and H).
However, if you really don't want MIL to see / speak with / visit Xgf, then it's your job to make that clear also. "It's not my place to tell you who you visit or talk with, but if you are asking me if I am comfortable (happy) with this, no, I am not."
I have been very close to my sister's boyfriends, and my family has been close to my former boyfriends, but I think if my parents went to visit one of my (or my sister's) X's, it would be quite odd. It's different than chatting them up if you see them at a party or at the grocery store.
No, her MIL is putting everyone in a difficult position.
Unless MIL has some social dysfunctional disorder, she knows it is weird to catch-up with son's 10-year ex-GF and then talk about the pending plans on the phone while he's driving.
I think poster is prefectly correct to say 'do as you wish, leave me out of it' and then gets aggrevated when neither DH or MIL actually leave her out of it.
The MIL gave her a chance to say if she was okay with it. Several times in fact. If the OP didn't tell her then she had a problem with it, which apparently she does, then she is the one being passive aggressive.
It doesn't mean the MIL is socially dysfunctional. We still see my cousin's ex, my husband's family still sees his exgf. In fact SIL and the ex are really close.
She's okay with it, she just doesn't want to hear about it. What's hard about that?
This meet-up is with her son's GF from ten years ago. TEN years. It's 2 hours away from MIL's vistit. MIL wants it and poster said 'sure, whatever'. The poster is married and on her 2nd grandchild. WHY is this meet-up a topic of conversation in any context for any of them at all??
Why did it take so long for the news to get from your H to you?
Why didnt he tell you that day? Your H should have said something right away.
I How do you expect her to get the hint? What hint?
Should you let her have her 15 min?
For someone who doesnt really care what she does, you are shure spending a lot of time focusing on it.
I say you really do care, but just dont want to admit it,.
I don't think that you sent mixed signals at all. I think you probably made it clear to your husband that while you think it's weird you don't care-but you don't want to hear about the visit, esp since you are about to give MIL another grandchild. I get this. I think your husband should have made it clear to his mom that you did not want to hear about it in anyway, and neither did he (to ensure that you didn't have to hear about it). I think that's one of the things that you do as a spouse-you support your partner. And that's the best way for him to support his pregnant wife, IMHO.