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I don't know what to do.
Hi Ladies. I'm in a really horrible state of mind about my marriage these days and don't know who else to turn to.
Money has always been a HUGE worry of mine. My job doesn't pay as much as I used to make, but so far we've been able to get by. DH has a new job, which pays slightly more than he was making before, and gymnastics season has started up again, so I thought things would be better. We don't have to worry about saving for our Europe trip anymore, so the goal now is to be debt free and save for a house. Sounds like a good plan right?
Well, DH has always paid the bills, because he is better dealing with companies and such. We've had nothing but troubles the past few months with nearly every company we pay utilities with, which are slowly getting resolved, and it looked like this month was finally going to be the month everything was finallly worked out.
Today, however, when I glanced at our account, I was completely shocked to find out that DH lied about paying bills and what was paid and what wasn't and that he went out and spent $40+ a couple times when he said he wouldn't. I called him on it and he really doesn't say anything to defend himself other than say he was trying to find the "right time" to tell me. I'm beyond pissed. This has been happening for years and he keeps saying he's going to stop. I don't know what to do anymore. As of right now we do not even have any money for food or gas for the next two weeks until we get paid again. I'm at a breaking point and seriously don't know if I can do anything to resolve this.
Thanks for listening.
Re: I don't know what to do.
CRAFTY ME
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Oh Kendra....((hugs))
Would you be willing to take over the finances from DH for a while? I know you said he's better at dealing with companies, but at least you would be in full control of how your money was being spent. Like you, I would be completely offended that he was lying about it. It's one thing to struggle with finances, but that's where open communication comes into play.
You say this has been happening for years? Has he always lied to you about it, or did he eventually fess up?
I told him that I'd like to start looking after things myself so I know what's going on. He always says things are good, but then something always "goes wrong" and we end up paying twice as much as normal cuz he "forgot" to pay or they didn't take out the payment or something. I always tell him that I'd rather know from him than find out from looking at a bank account. Sometimes he'll tell me before I find out about it, but I tend to find out about these things by either looking at our account (which I do a few times a week) or by getting a past due notice or cancellation notice in the mail. I just don't know how to turn this around without totally taking away his bank card.
I agree with pp.
Do you have the ability to have automatic payments that are taken from your checking or savings? That way you do not have to constantly remind him to pay. Of course you will have to be mindful enough $$ is in the account to pay it.
I would at least work on a budget together. Find out how much your bills as well as much you spend on groceries, entertainment, etc. are and how much $$ you bring in. Also, negotiate some of your bills (phone, cable, cell phone) See if you can work out payment plans too.
Thanks ladies! I think I really just need to take charge of things. I hate always worrying.
Amy, he said he was going to set up the automatic payments now that he gets paid on a "regular" schedule (the every 2nd Friday thing was hard to make work for that). Good idea to check about payment plans though.
This is definitely a problem that can be fixed if the two of you are willing to work together. I think the bigger problem is that he wasn't up front and honest with you about it.
First, I would take over the banking immediately.
Money is such a huge issue in marriages and it's a factor in so many divorces. But I think the underlying factor is trust. It doesn't sound like you can trust him to pay the bills and trust him to be honest with you about your finances.
I personally can't imagine not having a 100% grasp on our financial situation. I handle all the payments (I'm an accountant, after all). BUT, Pat has full access to our spreadsheets on google docs and we often have conversations about 'where we stand' or what's coming up next for us etc.
Make him talk to you about things. Ask him questions about weird charges. Let him know your concerns about it being a bigger issue problem.
We're here for you!
Planning bio My DIY blog The Maine Bio
2012 Reading Challenge
Oh Kendra, I am sorry to hear all this.
Ditto to what the other ladies have said. Work out payment plans, make a few "good faith" payments if needed. Set up the automatic payment plans where you can, but keep an eye on your accounts to make sure there is money in there to keep paying down those bills.
Work out a monthly budget and revise as you are paying down bills.
When you can, add to a savings account. Don't link this account to a checking for now, make it hard to immediately access the money (ie having a debit card to it).
Talk to a finacial planner / advisor if you think it will help you get organized.
If you are worried about DH still spending he money out of your account look into direct deposit into 2 accounts, one that your bills automatically get paid out of and one for your weekly / bi weekly / monthly "allowance." Only give yourselves checking / debit cards to that "allowance" account.
Hmmm, I'm not quite sure what to say.
On one hand, I was made fully aware that my dad did stuff like this for years, before it finally escalated to our house going into foreclosure and him lying about our checkbook getting stolen, etc... which isn't necessarily excusable by the fact that my dad has serious bipolar issues, but he was sick. However, my parents did in fact divorce because of 25 years of financial instability (and irresponsibility but that is not the point). My mom "managed" the checkbook, but my dad started "working from home" and "paying the bills" was part of his responsibility. Basically he lied about all sorts of things.
On the other hand, what do you think you can do to come out of this. The big thing here is trust. And that he wasn't willing to talk to you about it. Did/do you have regular "state of the family" finance meetings? Do you plan your budget/spending allowances together?
DH and I have a unique student loan debt situation, we work on a semi-tight budget to not overspend, to budget for home repairs/improvements, auto deposit to our savings acct, max out retirement, etc...basically, what I tell him, he'll do. But I'm also completely open to him about when we're running low on funds, or when we have a surplus and he has full access to all of our accounts and their passwords. And we have a monthly "meeting" to update on cc balances/ loan balances/mortgage balances, savings situation, etc...
I know that my history in knowing what my dad did to help destroy my parents marriage has made me very anxious about finances, but if for whatever reason DH was in charge and I found out he lied to me about these same things, I wouldn't be ok with that.
The way I keep track of my bills is to set them all up for payment through my bank. This doesn't have to be done but I like it this way. I get reminders, it tells me when I last paid, etc. I pay the bills twice a month, half the 1st paycheck and the other half the 2nd paycheck. It makes it easy to remember to pay bills if I do it the day I am expecting the money. I schedule the payments to either come out that day or a day or so from then. I also have some automatic payments coming out so I never have to worry about those.
For your situation I think having automatic payments, for utilities especially, will be a huge help. Also, having a schedule of when and what to pay is what you need. Right now your DH is not being truthful and is deceiving you. In my opinion you need to take control of the finances. As long as you are on time with payments there will be no need for you to speak to any of these companies after all past due balances have been settled. It sounds like the reason your DH speaks to these companies is because there's delinquent payments.
CRAFTY ME
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This. There is no way I would have let this issue go on for several years. A late payment history would ruin BOTH of your credit scores and can make it even harder (if not impossible) to buy a home now that the mortgage guidelines are much stricter, unless you nip it in the bud immediately. Does he realize that when you buy a house your credit scores are checked and late payments WILL show up on it and lower your score and you would find out about it anyway?!
Honestly, it doesn't sound like he is very good at managing money and you really shouldn't have to have any contact with the utility companies on a monthly basis if payments are sent on time unless you want to cancel or change your account. I would try to get on a budget plan with your utilities (I know power and gas companies in our state allow you to estimate your bill over the course of the year and you pay the same amount each month vs higher amounts in winter or summer depending on your type of heat) as soon as possible. You may have to wait until the past due balances are paid current, but this could be key since you are on a tight budget.
I'd also recommend you both take a financial planning class together, so that you both hear what you should be doing and can work as a unified front together to balance that check book each month. Since this has been going on for a few years, I think that while he might let what you say go in one ear and out the other, he might actually listen to a neutral third party.
As for the lying to you? I think you should take his debit card away and give him a cash allowance to help him learn to budget himself and his "extras" better. If he doesn't have enough money = no toys for him. Yup, it sounds childish, but he's made it obvious that he is still spending money when you don't have money to spend and hiding it from you just makes the problem ten times worse. After you meet with the Financial advisor and get caught up on your past due bills, let him have it back on a trial basis and monitor your bank account daily and then weekly and then monthly until you can trust him again.
You said 'my bank account'. Do you have joint accounts? If you don't, do you have access to each other's? This may or may not matter...but more of a way to see what he's spending etc.
One thing that made Pat and I feel a lot more like a married couple was when we combined all of our finances. I know this doesn't work for everyone, but it definitely does us.
Planning bio My DIY blog The Maine Bio
2012 Reading Challenge
I agree with everything Jaime said.
In our house, DH (who has a better head for math/money) handles our accounts. But I have complete access.
All of our utilities, car payment, mortgage, cable, my student loan ... all come out automatically. We don't even have to worry about paying them.
We have a budget for fun, food, gas, etc and we stick to it. We have a certain amount that we also take out in cash and put at the house for whatever we need (starbucks, dinners out, DH's haircuts and other misc stuff). Now that I am receiving regular commissions from Thirty One, that money goes into a different account. I have been using that for maternity clothes and the rest I transfer to our savings.
A+S | Met 8/24/06 | Married 9/27/08
Started TTC 12/2008 | dx PCOS 5/2009
6 failed clomid/femara/TI cycles, 1 failed clomid/ovidrel/IUI cycle
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? 2/13/12 - We proudly welcomed our daughter, Hadley Teresa! ?
? Lots of Luck to all of 3T/IF ?
I agree w/ PPs. You need to be more active in the money and sit down and set up a plan. I would also be sure to put anything you can on autopay.
What concerns me more here is the implication this is an ongoing issue. Have you considered counseling?