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Ugh -- I need MIL help
So, you probably remember awhile back that Jake's Mom and Step-dad were getting a divorce. To make a long story short, Jake's mom has been acting weird and distant since all of that started to go down (1.5 years ago). She never calls Jake, never calls to ask about Neena, the few times that she has been around us she was removed and barely hung out with Neena. Her behavior, quite frankly, pissed me off and hurt Jake's feelings. I'm not one to keep my mouth shut so for the past year I've been thisclose to confronting her but Jake didn't want me to so I just kept my mouth shut and my anger locked in. I will admit, on a few occasions, I opened my mouth and made snide comments about the situation in front of my SIL and Jake's aunt and uncle (not my smartest idea).
So, anyways, when I got home from work tonight Jake informed me that he talked to his mom and that he confronted her about all of the issues. He said she was pissed and pretty much told him straight up that she didn't like me and that she feels I'm the instigator and that she doesn't feel that she has done anything wrong and she can live her life the way she wants to. She told him that she need to hang up the phone before she said something bad to him and right after that she hung up the phone. Jake is obviously upset and I feel terrible about it all. I just want him to have a good relationship with her and I want her to be in Neena's life, but I honestly don't know if that will happen. I feel like we've hit the deep end with her and I don't know where to go from here. Any advice or insight is more than welcome. Thanks, girls.
ETA: I should add that the Libra in me is dying. I just want to make this all better.
Neena Mae. 1/7/10
"A baby nursing at a mother's breast is an undeniable affirmation of our rootedness in nature." - David Suzuki
Re: Ugh -- I need MIL help
Sounds like she's making you the scapegoat for her issues. She stops liking you and talking to her son right around the time she announces a divorce? If I had to guess, I'd say she wasn't happy with her life and is trying to find a different path for herself. Instead of making herself feel guilty about distancing herself from her son and granddaughter, she can blame you.
That is my armchair shrink version, anyways. I'm sorry you have to deal with that crap.
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Unfortunately, I don't have much advice other than maybe you should try to make it a point to talk to her one on one. I am NOT one for confrontation, but it sounds like in your situation, it may be best to just go yourself and see what's up.
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I second Tiff's suggestion for a one on one talk. I went through a similar stretch with my ILs over the summer. MIL admitted to DH that they didn't like me & thought I didn't like them, etc & it turned into a huge mess. The situation was killing DH & as much as I would have been okay with not seeing them, I didn't want to do that to Mads. The four of us eventually had to sit down and talk about everything, face to face, to figure things out. It was one of the most uncomfortable, awkward, stressful things that I've ever had to do, but in the end was worth it. I don't love them any more than I did before, but it did resolve some of the major underlying issues between us & things have gone more smoothly since.
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I don't know - I take a different view on it.
It doesn't sound to me as though you ARE cutting her out. It sounds like you don't love her, but you respect that she's Jake's Mom and Neena's Gma and that you WANT them to have a relationship but that she (MIL) has been the one to pull back.
I don't think you can make her want to have a relationship with Neena, you know? You can encourage, you can make Neena available but if she isn't taking the chance - what else can you do?
I see it with FIL. Maybe I'm bitter but FIL has all the chance(s) in the world to see Jane and develop a relationship with her and he doesn't. Didn't come to her Baptism, didn't come to her first birthday, etc. He chooses work over everything. I can't force him to care, you know? Jane got the shiitend of the stick as far as Grandfathers go (by contrast, my father's dying regret was that he wasn't going to meet and know all his grandkids....), and that sucks but, I can't fix it.
I agree with this.
If it were me, the situation would frustrate me, but I would do my best to be sugary sweet around the woman so I would KNOW that I'm in the right, and that I tried. You can't fix it....this is her problem, not yours.
But I am sorry you have to deal with this.
I agree with Megan here. You can't MAKE her want to call Jake and you can't MAKE her want to be involved with Neena.
Yeah, it sucks that she doesn't want to do those things, but that's her decision and someday down the road she'll likely regret it.
Maybe you could confront her about your issues in a diplomatic way, but when it was first mentioned I imagine a lot of finger pointing and blaming...that's not going to get you anywhere.
Sadly, you may have to just adjust your expectations of her for the time.
And what was she like before all this divorce stuff started? Did you guys have a good relationship then?
Thanks for all of the advice and input, ladies. My stomache has been in knots over the whole situation. I think I agree with Megan, Diane, and Jo. I know if I confronted her there would be lots of finger pointing (she already did that with Jake), plus she seems to be in a very selfish point of her life after the divorce. :-( As sad as it is, I think this is just the way it's going to be.
Jo, before the divorce we had a good relationship. We weren't BFFS but we got along really well and she called 1-2 per month and made several trips up to Iowa a year.
Neena Mae. 1/7/10
"A baby nursing at a mother's breast is an undeniable affirmation of our rootedness in nature." - David Suzuki