Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Baby pre or post home ownership?
My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married a little over 8 months now. We are currently awaiting SS approval. With that said, I REALLY want to start trying to have a baby. My husband on the other hand wants to wait until after we close on our home (at this rate.. if it ever happens). In his defense he wants to have the space and the perfect home for our future child. It seems that he wants to wait for the EXACT perfect time and to me, in reality there is never a perfect time for a baby. I really love kids and want one of my very own. My husband is more focused on getting our living situation perfect before we bring a child in our lives. My question is, how many of you ladies had babies before home ownership and why? if you had to do it again, would you wait until after you were a home owner?
Re: Baby pre or post home ownership?
I know lots of people who have not waiting to own a home prior to having a child.
There will never be an exact perfect time for you two to have a child.
Ditto PP. Although the perfect time is when you are BOTH ready to have a baby, not just one person. If your DH is telling you he isn't ready (for whatever reason) respect him on it and don't push. Give it some time and then you can sit down and talk it through on timing. Buying a house and having a baby all at the same time is a lot of stress for anyone.
We're in the same position as you. Ideally, we'd like to have a home before having children so we don't have to deal w/moving, renovating, etc. w/a child or pregnant me. But we're in a HCOL area, so our timelines will certainly be close.
Is there any other reason you would want to wait? Do you like DIYing reno projects and painting? (Things you probably can't do pregnant). Do you have sufficient savings? Like, if you move into your new home an discover it needs expensive repairs would that further delay your plans to TTC?
WISE advice!
If your husband is not on board, then you--as a couple--are not ready to have a baby (regardless of the house or any other situation).
My Valentine Bookends (2~13~13, 2~15~09)
The house that we are "under contract" for was built in 2007 and our inspector would say "in amazing condition". The only thing we would need to do is paint if we wanted to but it?s move-in ready.
The reason I'm afraid to wait I guess is because I was told by my OBGYN that it might be hard for me to get pregnant (really don't want to get into this). I'm afraid if I wait for the PERFECT time in the PERFECT home and things don't go as planned I will be devastated.
Also, what happens if the SS doesn?t go through? We are STILL back to square one?
I was told the same thing by not one but three doctors, including two reproductive endocrinologists. As you can see on my tickers, doctors don't know everything! We got pregnant in month 1 with the first and month 4 with the second. It ASTOUNDED my doctors who were already talking about performing a hysterectomy. If the short sale falls through you will start your search again. No biggie. This is not something you want to push your husband into. What if he starts resenting you for pushing him into something he wasn't ready for?? That is not a position you want to put your marriage and future children into. There are very few fertility conditions where by waiting a few months you are doomed.
My DH likes all his ducks in a row. He's very plan oriented.
That said, I'm ready to ttc now. He's not. I understand his reasoning (and although I don't necessarily see eye to eye... I can respect his desires to wait until a "closer to perfect" time (As there is no actual perfect...).
It is what it is. Its just our natures. I'm typically willing to 'jump' with confidence, where as DH has plans C, D, and E prepared if A and B don't work.
I'm not willing to pressure him into a decision as huge as adding human beings to our family. The right time will come... just be patient.
"The House We Built."
A journey of building the dream.
You can plan all you want and sometimes it still doesn't work out.
DH and I had a house before kids (it was actually one DH purchased and moved into just before we got engaged). While we were TTC, he got an amazing job offer that required us to move out of state. I found out the very next week that I was PG. So basically, even though we'd owned a home before TTC, and had planned to be there with kids, the reality was that we were living in a rented townhouse when DD was born.
And everything worked out just fine. We moved into a house when DD was 6 months old. While I'd originally been very pro-house before kids, having things not work out that way showed me that there's no such thing as perfect and a house (while nice, and something we absolutely wanted for our kids) definitely wasn't a necessity in the beginning.
That?s Great! I'm really happy that things worked out for you. I can only hope that things work out for me as they did for you. A friend of mine waited until she got married, bought a house and fully furnished/decorated to TTC. She made sure that all her ducks were in a row as well. Unfortunately, after being married for 3+ years she thought it was the ?perfect? TTC only to find out that she could not have kids. I saw her go from hormone therapy to IVF to plain old giving up. I just feel like the more you wait to have a baby the harder the chances might be to conceive (in my situation).
I agree that by me pushing my husband into having a baby before we are settled in a home might cause him to resent me. Wouldn?t it be the other way around if we wait for what he thinks is the ?perfect? time only to find out it?s too late?
It's sad to me that you are already indicating that you will resent your husband if things don't work in the baby department.
Here's the truth. You cannot plan how your TTC adventures are going to go...no matter how hard you try. There are 23 year olds who can't get pregnant and there are 50 year olds who snap their fingers and are knocked up. It's called life--and life in unpredictable.
What you can plan is to TTC only when both parents are 100% on board--which is not the case in your situation. Maybe your husband really does have the need to have his ducks in a row before TTC. Maybe he isn't ready to be a dad so the house is an excuse. You haven't even been married a year. Maybe marriage, a house and a baby is too much for him in such a short time.
My Valentine Bookends (2~13~13, 2~15~09)
I agree 100% with this. You are setting yourself up for major disappointment if you go into TTC like this. Just because a friend had trouble conceiving does not mean you will. You are barely married, enjoy the time being married and getting a house. Have fun decorating and painting, etc. RELAX. Maybe just relaxing and getting all your ducks in a row will help your DH settle his fears.
Is he getting the resentment vibe from you already and that is why he doesn't want to jump into TTC? I sure wouldn't want to have a baby with someone who I know will resent me if something goes wrong. A few months in the scheme of things is nothing and may be exactly what your DH needs to get on board. You have had a lot of changes in a short amount of time. Tackle one at a time as a couple.
I totally agree with you. However, I understand that life is unpredictable. All I'm saying is that there will never be "perfect time". Yes, we have only been married for 8 months but we have been together for 10years 4 of which we've lived together. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that this isn't a new relationship at all. My doctor indicated to me that because of my "situation" with TTC that it would be beneficial for me to start TTC asap. My husband and I have our degrees, our careers, and are financially stable. The only thing that we are kind of waiting on is our future home (which at this rate is going REALLY SLOW.. I did mention it was a SS right?!)
Maybe you are right, maybe he isn't ready to be a father and I would never want to put him in that type of perdicament. I just really want to be a mom 
For us we will be baby after buying. We closed at the beginning of April and are not TTC yet. I wouldn't want to TTC unless my husband was 100% on board with it because I know I will need a lot of support from him during pregnancy. I would hate to begin my pregnancy with him being cranky about how it began.
? ?????????! Z!
BFP #1 EDD 12/14/12, C/P 4/9
dx: DOR
Clomid + trigger + IUI #2
Everyone welcome.
I completely understand the baby fever, but it sounds like you are strong in your position and not really looking for any advice. In fact, I don't think this situation is about a house at all - you and your husband are just not on the same page right now. It could be the house, traveling (that's mine), budget, etc. My husband is also a big planner, and I would never want to move foward with TTC if he were not 1000% on board.
That being said, why not continue to look around at houses? I'm guessing you are not actually "in contract" on this SS, just waiting to hear back on the offer. There could be traditional or REO sales out there that would close in a month. You don't just have to sit around wondering if/when you'll ever hear back on the SS.
When we got married, H and I agreed we both wanted to be done with grad school before having kids. That way we would both have jobs, not be moving around every few years, etc. We were very satisfied with this decision.
Until we decided we wanted a baby. lol. Our plan to wait for the "perfect time" was just us not being ready. Please, please don't pressure or rush your husband into this. A child is a HUGE commitment, and while you may be ready, I'm sure you don't want your baby to have a reluctant or resentful daddy.
If you are having trouble with this, a marriage counselor might be able to help you sort out your feelings.Have you ever owned a home before? If not, you really don't know yet what your monthly budget will look like. It would be a much wiser decision to wait until you've actually bought and moved into a home and lived in it for a few months before adding another HUGE and expensive life-changing dynamic to your life/marriage.
We are still renting and will likely buy next summer. DS is 8.5 months. Yes, would it have been nice to buy a house then have a baby? Sure. But I was more concerned with my age and would I look back in regret if we waited and I couldn't get PG. We live in MA in a HCOL area with very stable jobs that we have no intention of leaving, so we will buy in a moderately HCOL town with great public schools. So we changed our plan of house then baby to baby then house.
Ask DH what his issues are around it. Is he worried he can't be a good provider for his family if you don't own a home? Is he just traditional and thinks that is the only way things can be done? You both need to be onboard, but he might be many men who think they have super swimmers and whenever they want a baby it will happen.
You know, there are so many people that will tell you you can't plan things, etc., but I think you should have a plan. Plan how you will work it if you get PG the first month and then 6 months of trying and then a year. We waited to TTC until I knew that I would be okay with his birth month and had enough time off saved at work (I took 12 weeks off). We got PG the first month we tried-and we weren't really even trying. That was the soonest I would have felt comfortable being PG. But what if it takes you a long time and you need to pay for fertility stuff (if you would consider that). Can you do that while you own a home or will the ocsts be too great.
I would have DS again in a heartbeat and continue renting. I was able to go part time and now we know what we can afford when we buy a home with me PT with a baby (free childcare for now) and DH working FT.
GL! Talk to your DH about it if its really important to you. You have every right to be reasonably worried about your fertility.
I agree with this especially if you have twins
However, we did own a home first and then realized we dont have enough room now that we have 2 kids.So we need to move. So there are plus and minuses to everything.
I am sure it will be hard to redo a new house, decorating, ect with our kids running around but we will figure out a way to do it. I think sometimes people don't realize how much extra space you do need for kids.
Idealistically, home before baby.
Real world. I think it's a wiser choice to have a baby first.
Even before that. You and your husband must be in complete agreement before having a baby
Why baby first? I don't think women realize the power of child rearing until it happens. Many women realize the miracle of life is to enjoy and cherish and very abruptly decide they want to be stay at home moms and to hell with finances or that they want certain things for their children at the sacrifice of their very own comfortable lifestyle.
Bringing another person into this world creates a pile of questions, concerns, and realities that your relationship will be challenged with.
Owning a home is not a right, it is a privilege these days and brings immense financial burden with it. A house should come secondary to the family situation as having children is a more important financial burden than home ownership.
Enjoy being married and do things when you are both in agreement. Don't make yourselves crazy. Life is amazing and while some things can be planned, most things worth doing aren't even planned at all : )