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Husbands & Porn
Hey all, I could really use some advice right now. I've been married for a year and a half and last night my husband told me he looks at porn and wishes we were having sex more often. I have to keep a fertility chart thing (to track my menstrual cycles) so I pretty much know exactly how much sex we have - it's every two or three days, consistently. So, when he told me last night, not only was it hurtful, but confusing as well. He said that the need to have sex is biological and that some way or another (masturbation, I'm assuming he meant), he has to be stimulated, it has to 'come out.' All along, I've been thinking we were doing fine in the sex area of our relationship. It doesn't last for hours or anything (sometimes all we have time for is a quickie, but I think that's fun too). He explained that it just seems like something we do, just to do, but don't really enjoy it. I like having sex a lot and I tell him all the time.
But back to the porn thing. He tells me I'm hot/beautiful/sexy/desirable all the time. The problem is, the girls in porn are perfect - perfect body's (I explained to him that a woman's relationship with her body is very important and fragile - something we think about often 'how do I look right now') So this is a dilema because now I just fee like crap (my body is fine, I'm 5'7 and 130 lbs)
I really don't know what is normal. If this is normal, I can try to get past it and know that porn is a normal part of marriage. We waited to have sex until were were married and only had one other sex partner before marriage so we take it pretty seriously. One other interesting thing: when were were engaged, my husband was traveling internationally for work and he went to a strip club with a bunch of the businessmen. It turned into an all night event and ended up with a naked stripper on him, giving him a lapdance, him groping her etc). He told me when he got back because he felt so terrible and I thanked him for being honest with me (something a lot of husbands might not do). Just like last night, he told me because he wants to be open with me. But on the other hand, now I feel like: A) I can never measure up to a naked porn star's body 
we're not having enough sex even though I thought everything was fine C) he's not happy D) maybe he's addicted to sex E) I don't really want to be close to him right now al all because I feel like a walking bruise, emotionally.
I appreciate your honest here in telling me to either deal with it and suck it up, or go seek help. I don't know what kind of support he needs from me right now. And I also don't know how to get past it, knowing that he has this habit and just forget about what he must be imagining in bed. The "real thing" has gotta be quite dull compared to two-hour porn star sex. Thank you!
Re: Husbands & Porn
Hey there, I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible about all of this. I know it's a hard situation and feels really confusing. I think the answer to your question is threefold.
1: If your husband is saying he needs and wants more sex from you, you should try to oblige, or at least come to a closer compromise. You thought things were good, but now that you know they aren't as good for him as you presumed, he is giving you the chance to work on this. You should be really happy that he is communicating openly about wanting more sex. A lot of husbands I know keep that to themselves and don't feel comfortable telling their wives. Ask him how much sex he ideally wants each week. If you can do it, go for it. If his number seems too high, ask for a compromise and work to do more than now, but let him know you can't provide as much as he wants. Also try to be spontaneous, he will love that.
2: A lot of women in porn are actually really ugly. I don't know what you look like, but if he is complimenting you like that, I read that to mean that he finds YOU more attractive and would much rather have sex with you than with his hand and a fantasy. Any guy I have ever met has said the real thing is way better than masturbation, so be confident that when you have sex you are giving him something he isn't getting otherwise. He can't touch porn stars, or feel them loving him... that is all for you alone. I think if he gets more of you like he asked for, he'll be less interested in them.
3: You two need to decide together what the parameters for porn are in your marriage. My husband and I have mutually agreed that we will not have porn in our marriage, even if he is on a business trip and needs to masturbate. We have other people we know who agree that it is okay on business trips but not when the wife is available, etc. Talking this out and coming to an agreement you are both comfortable with will make you feel secure in yourself, your relationship, and be able to trust your husband. If he is open enough to tell you about the porn and the past stripper, etc... I feel quite confident he will be comfortable discussing boundaries.
Hope this is somewhat helpful! You shouldn't have to get comfortable with something you hate, but talking out both sides and trying to meet him half way will go a long way to making you both happier!
Did he look at porn before you were married? Did you know?
Are you having sex to get pregnant?
You have a warped sense of reality when it comes to women in porn...some of them are pretty gross looking.
Your H got a lap dance at a strip club and your are proud because he told you and a lot of H's wouldnt tell? Guess what??? A lot of H's wouldnt have gotten a lap dance!!!!
No one can tell you how to feel regarding porn...obviously it bothers you. Some women are fine with it and others are not. No one can tell you how to feel.
You should NEVER just DEAL with anything that bothers you!!! NEVER!
You are worried about supporting him??? Can't you see something wrong with that staement?
Have you ever actually watched porn from start to finish?
They are literally all the same thing over and over again.
I am also willing to bet that there is another one of these Christian marriage dynamics involved in this scenario. Am I right?
He watches porn.
You can either accept it and get over it and move on --- or you can let this eat you up. Your choice.
Why don't you suggest watching it together? I'm sure it will have a positive effect on him as well as you.
and no way are they PERFECT.... we actually make jokes about some of them and skip alot!
Have you ever actually watched porn from start to finish?
They are literally all the same thing over and over again.
I am also willing to bet that there is another one of these Christian marriage dynamics involved in this scenario. Am I right?
He watches porn.
You can either accept it and get over it and move on --- or you can let this eat you up. Your choice.
That is the part I worry about, "...just to do, but don't really enjoy it"??. If he is saying he doesn't enjoy sex with you, there is a problem. The porn part, no biggie in my opinion.
I am sorry you are feeling so bad. The way you are feeling is normal so don't make the situation worse by beating yourself up over it!
It is hard for me to understand your point of view because it is so different from my own, but I respect different views on sexuality and I empathize with your insecurities! I have felt insecure many times about an aray of different things; sexual, physical and everything else.
I can assure you that when your husband looks at porn he is not comparing the women to you and it doesn't diminish his attraction to you. I am going to make some assumptions about you and if I am wrong, tell me. It sounds as if you are both young and not very experienced with sex. Our sexual journey continues, changes, and grows with age and with our husbands. Along those journeys we have our bumps and you two will get passed this. But, it has to start with you!
I don't want to tell you to just deal with it or suck it up, because as I said before, your feelings are normal, but maybe not totally justified. Your husband is different from you, his sexuality is different, his whole experience is different from yours and that is precious, you should love him for everything that makes him, him. Especially because it sounds like he really cares and takes care of you. He is being honest with you and showing so much vulnerability is a true mark of how much you mean to him. You have to except him. He does want more sex. He does watch porn.
Despite your insecurities your man MARRIED YOU! He sleeps with only you! You are so special to him and get him going like no porn ever could. That is true. I am sure of it! You are still newlyweds, you are still learning so much about each other! ESPECIALLY SEXUALLY! Own that! And then work with it! If he wants more sex, give him more sex, I am sure you want to be THE source of pleasure for him, so be that! You shouldn't feel like it is a blow to you that he is seeking more sex. It doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong, you are not a bad wife and you are not a bad lover! You are his lover and he wants more of your loving! And, because he came to you with this so honestly you know that when you seek something more or something different from him that you have the right to ask for it, honestly! You two are partners, you are not characters in a fairy-tale, you are just people that came together and decided to make a life together. You owe it to listen and express yourselves honestly to each other!
What I would do if I were you is I would look at some eroticism on your own, don't tell him, keep it to yourself! You don't have to scan youporn.com for BDSM fetish porn, but something sensual and subtle that can arouse you and show you that finding arousal outside of your husband is natural, and can enhance the sexuality that you share! Thus coming to understand where your husband comes from when he has said things about his biology. I would suggest both the film and book L'amant (The Lover). Here is a link to the IMDB.com page:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101316/
Also Original Sin, and Unfaithful are both very sensuous and artistic films. If you are daring, 9 and 1/2 Weeks is another favorite of mine.
I think, also, if you were honest with yourself, you have already found arousal outside of your husband. Fantasy, dreams, a celebrity crush. Because it is true that we are complicated machines and we need to express ourselves sexually. Something inside of us makes us want to have sex, it is instinctual, and it doesn't follow the rules of monogamy, we make the choice to be monogamous. And that choice is what makes a relationship precious. Not some imaginary soul mate fairy tale, but finding someone you respect and enjoy enough to spend your life with!
I don't think he is addicted to sex. A preoccupation with sex, maybe, but that is as normal as not often being preoccupied with sex.
The only way you will get past this is to come to clean to him with your feelings. Sit and think on your feelings and then build your self confidence and your own sexual identity by yourself and with the help of your husband! Try not to snoop too much through the computer because it will only make you more jealous!
And trust me... Live sex is SOOOOOOOO much more satisfying that watching porn and masturbating.
Regarding your insecurities regarding your body and the women in porn being perfect... No, just no!
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker
September 2013 Moms Siggy Challenge: The Thing I Miss Most Since Being Pregnant
Replacing the water cooler! And other heavy lifting
Batman was supposed to be a symbol of hope and bring justice. Not spark violence.
Thanks for this email CiGiDancer. We had an awesome talk about it and and I'm not taking things so personally anymore. It ended well too
And yes, you're right that we were totally inexperienced before. I've been trying over this first year to be more sexually available/spontaneous (answering the door in just an apron, sneaking naked photo-shoot pictures (that I set up around the house!) into his suitcase so he finds them while he's away) Things like that, he explained, have been such a blessing to him--that he understands that doesn't happen all the time but that he appreciates these reminders that I too, think about sex and desire him. We agree on what "more sex" means. He's an amazing man, that was never up for question. I just think it's really REALLY hit me this week how differently wired we are. I am going to try to be totally open, sexually with him. Why not right?
Good! I am so happy to hear you guys are working through this! You have plastered a smile on my face! Just remember this is a long journey, nothing gets patched up so quickly, it is an on going process! Good luck with everything and happy romping! Hehe!!
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker
Please, please, please don't blame yourself for his porn addiction. I say addiction because if he's watching on a regular basis, it's addicting and now he's just trying to justify his behavior by putting the blame on you instead of owning up.
I can understand that you are feeling hurt and maybe a little insecure but please realize this is a battle in him, not caused by you. As his wife you will carry a lot of pain and sense of betrayal but there are some great first steps I got from a website called everymansbattle.com
Check it out and seek some outside help so you don't consume yourself with the disease of bitterness and rage. And definately don't fall into the habit of exhausting yourself to catch him doing something wrong because then you'll create trust and insecurity issues that will wedge a gap between you both.
If he cares about your relationship, he will be willing to seek help with you or maybe alone but don't ignore this and hope it goes away.
I hope goes well. Don't take this personal and just try and love him through this.
Wow, what conviction! You think regularity equals addiction? You know nothing about this man! You just have the words of a heart broken, vulnerable, young wife asking for help! Why are you scaring her more?
Furthermore, how emasculating to ask a man of twenty something today to seek help because he masturbates to porn regularly! So many men of that generation masturbate to porn regularly, so to call it all an addiction is not only inflammatory, it is also false. Regularity does not equal addiction, and porn is not intrinsically addictive. You don't know that he needs to seek help and there is no reason to assume he does.
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker
I drink on a regular basis but I'm not addicted. I smoke crack on a regular basis but I'm not addicted. I masterbate on a regular basis but I'm not addicted. See how it all sounds really stupid?
If you are craving it, think about it and want to do it all the time it's addiction. Maybe Gigi is feeling some conviction of her own and doesn't want to believe it's wrong so she uses a lot of big words to make herself seem wise but in fact she's just as jaded as most of our culture. Please Gigi, tell me how it's "emasculating"? Don't worry about most of the women in the porn idustry that it demeans.
Of course I expect Gigi to say that porn stars don't find it demeaning or some other nonsense but reality is, most of them have major issues physically, mentally, and emotionally. Sounds like the product of something really great doesn't it? So let's just encourage it by telling everyone to keep that disgusting industry going.
I realize I'm late in offering input, but I figured I would briefly describe my own marriage as it relates to Nae's concerns. Who knows... maybe it will speak to someone!
My husband struggled with pornography periodically throughout our dating relationship (approximately 4 years). I say struggled because that's how he described it. It's something that he feels (for many reasons) is not good for him, whether in a relationship or not. For us, especially in our marriage, physical intimacy is cherished as something that is only shared with your partner--not alone and not with others.
Honestly, for both of us, this has definitely not been limiting as some might think/assume. In fact, it's been just the opposite. Knowing that we both guard our eyes and hearts against the visual onslaught of sexuality has brought us closer physically and mentally. It's a "turn on" in itself to know that my husband's eyes are only for me, and the same is true for him. He has even said that he feels like a much stronger man when he wins over the temptations and challenges that other men happily (or unhappily) indulge in.
And I really don't feel like either of us knows our bodies any less because of our choices. In fact, I feel more comfortable and confident because I'm not having to fake being okay with something that actually makes me uncomfortable. And he's not having to pretend or lie to himself or to me.
Also, it just makes sense to me (logically). I have read that, in general, women see the world in terms of love and men see the world in terms of respect. Him keeping his eyes and body only for me speaks true and deep love and committment to me, while me doing the same thing communicates to him that I respect him and am committed to him above all others.
It seems to not make much sense, however, to force yourself to partake in something that makes you feel bad or uncomfortable just to numb yourself to it or to try to be a better wife. There's a difference between compromise and submission.
My comment may get picked apart or argued, but no big deal! To each her own. I just wanted to share that it's ok to not be interested in pornography (and even to be against it!), and that my husband and I are much happier without it. The times that my husband and I have been the most intimate and fulfilled are the times that he's winning the battle. And vice versa.
Good luck in figuring out what's best for you and your relationship!
P.S. "Normal" is relative. If something makes you uncomfortable in your marriage, don't do it or put up with it, regardless of how many other people think it's normal.
I will be in the minority here, and I am fine with that. I have been with my husband for 15 years and married for over 7. We have a wonderful marriage and are great life partners, so I feel that I know a bit of what I speak.
All men do not watch porn.
Porn is not a healthy part of anyone's life.
Porn ruins those who use it and exploits those who are in it. Even "legit" stars. See http://thepinkcross.org/ for more info on that.
Porn fuels the evil of human trafficking. 1 out of 5 porn images is of a child. There is often no way to know if you are watching a minor and if that person is a "willing" participant. And even if that person is "willing", the stories surrounding their involvement are often heartbreaking (again, see The Pink Cross info above).
These are the facts.
It is one of the biggest lies going that all men watch porn and that all women should just go along with it. That is not part of a healthy, well-balanced marriage. Period. And the fact that the divorce rate is at least 50% should tell you that you need to be very careful where and from whom you get advice. Quite a lot of what is on these boards and on the internet in general equates to nothing more than the blind leading the blind.
Find a couple that has been married for a long time and shares your values - seek guidance from them and not from random internet strangers.
Good luck to you.
We lost our first daughter, Hannah Grace on May 4, 2011 at 20 weeks. She was buried on May 14 during a beautiful service at my home church. We are grateful that if she could not be here with us, that she is healed and whole with the Lord. We look forward to the day when we will get to meet her. We love her so much.
I don't think a husband looking at porn is a problem so long as it doesn't interfere with your regular sex life or your relationship. There's nothing inherently wrong with porn, especially in moderation. If he's spending so much time watching porn that he's losing interest in sex with you or skipping work or social engagements, then that's clearly a problem.
I'm more worried about his bull**** "it's biological and the stuff has to come out" argument. This is a common excuse from a sex addict. (Not saying your husband's a sex addict, but I am saying that this argument is total bull.) There is no human biological need to have sex every day, or every other day, or even ever at all. Men don't HAVE to masturbate all the time if they're not having sex - many of them choose to because it feels nice. But many people have sex once a year and are totally fine with that and don't masturbate. There's no inherent biological need to have a lot of sex, masturbate frequently, or watch porn.
So maybe he just can't admit that he likes porn and thinks the biological thing sounds better. Misguided, but harmless. But if he starts pressuring you into doing things you don't want to do, then this becomes a significant alarm bell.
Hey Ladies,
So, my wife had me read this post, and I have to say that I think some of your responses are a little off-base from the male perspective. When I first read this, I thought, "he doesn't want more sex...he wants more exciting sex!"
I suspect that, given that they are trying to get pregnant, he may feel like the sex they're having is less about her wanting him than about getting pregnant. Men want to feel like you're dying for us to make love to you. We need to feel desired, irresistable.
It's about excitement...and porn is exciting for lot of reasons: different girls, different positions, different settings, and all the while, women who are definitely in to it (or, at least are pretending to be!)
So, there you go...my theory is that he doesn't necessarily want more sex, just different, uninhibited, passionate sex. He needs to be turned on.
Rik
I wonder if there is more to this situation?
As previously stated, stop beating yourself up and worrying yourself into an emotional dither. A husband should be boffing or only be wanting to boff his wife.You husband is making some mistakes.
Are you involved with church and a realistic and non judgmental clergy?
It sound as though the only birth control is a calendar, thermometer and mucus inspection. Is it possible DH is worried about pregnancy and really can't enjoy sex and an orgasm with you?
Depending on the man and his age. He maybe desiring/wanting, feeling horny 5 to 10 times a week. With an erection and wanting an orgasm.
Is there any way you can have you husband orgasm with you daily with a condom, oral or anal. To keep his pent up desires satisfied and not worry about children before you two are ready.
There are times I'm either away working, have a headache, my period or tired and fall asleep before my husband gets to bed. DH on those days has a stash of glamour shots of myself. Ranging from mild to wild before I had children. DH takes a few minutes in the bathroom with them and he's satisfied for a day or two.