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Deleted Post? About SIL and partner's child?
I don' t know if the post was deleted or if my computer is messed up. I had a long response, which I thankfully saved.
I have to post and run because I need to go pick up my tot.
I re-framed the situation with my SIL and her FH in mind to see what I would do if I had this situation regardless of sexual orientation.
1.
Once FH is married to SIL (They live together and have a child) I would
not be comfortable with them calling him my brother. Nope. BIL yes,
but I'd just be happy with a normal FH first name. My husband (who is
SIL's actual brother) Would NOT be ok with being called FH's brother.
Why? because he is not actually FH's brother, and he didn't grow up with
this guy or has a relationship close enough to want to call himself
FH's brother.
So I agree you have a legitimate reason not to be comfortable with it.
2. Babysitting FH's child from previous relationship? Nope, neither my husband or I would be comfortable with it UNLESS we have had a long close relationship with all parties involved. Being responsible for another person's child isn't to be taken lightly. And to be frank I DO NOT LIKE having a child being pawned off on me to babysit that I do not have a relationship with. I am not a cold person I babysit TONS for my sister to go to work and the occasional outing but I draw the line when I feel taken advantage of or if there isn't a relationship outside of babysitting when it's within the family.
So I agree with you there.
3. Having SIL's FH's child 'pushed' on me. Well, if I just wanted a more distant relationship with them, then I wouldn't want a close relationship with the child. It doesn't make me a witch, but I would have to compromise if I did want to facilitate a more functional relationship for my husband's sake.
You have a right to not want to be close to the child. It doesn't make you a big ole' meanie, but just recognize that right or wrong it will ultimately affect the relationship with your SILs.
4. "It must be nice..." passive
aggressive crap from my SIL and her FH? Hmmmm....That would go on for
only so long in my presence before I told my DH he needed to deal with
it his way or I would do it. I am direct with people that do that sort
of thing. It tends to shut down the passive-aggressiveness in its
tracks or it ramps it up into drama, which in turn gives me the clear
choice of fleeing from such toxic crap. As for paying for stuff. Nope. I
would make clear to the waitress as soon as we sat down to eat that
checks were separate. And have no qualms with saying, "I don't have the
money in the budget to spend." when they ask for me to buy stuff.
You don't need to let crap like that slide. Be polite but point it out and shut it down or stay away from them.
5. SIL and her FH rubbing on each other or doing more than the occasion PDA while around us? Well, hahahahaha, honestly I would probably pretend not to notice it to a point and then I would stop being around them. If I wanted to watch alot of physical affection I could put in a really good romance movie on my tv. better plot anyway. My husband, would do his Jedi-disappearing act and probably bail on me in his rush to get the heck out of there. (I'm thinking of a hilarious episode of The Office where Jim tried to leave Pam at a dinner party :-o) If the PDA continued my husband would tell me he doesn't want to be around when his sister is getting too affectionate and he'll give me a signal when he's ready for us to go.
Your SILs are adults, they can act the way they want to. They can also accept the consequences of making people uncomfortable when they are around them. Being so self-involved isn't an excuse.
6. SIL's new step-daughter being uncomfortable with a new person making out with her parent? Yeah, I can see that with any child that has gone through a tearing of their family.
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about that unless you want to have a closer relationship with the child and be an example of a couple that doesn't mak on each other in public or try to mooch off others.
7. I don't have an issue with my SIL and her FH's lifestyle. Mainly because no one really would give it a label as a "lifestyle," but if their personalities made me uncomfortable I would just back away without feeling the least bit guilty.
So there you go. That is what I would do if I were in your shoes regardless of sexual orientation.
You have a right to feel as you do.
Address the things you need to address and make your choices on how you want to act. Make no apologies, but don't get drawn into drama.
Re: Deleted Post? About SIL and partner's child?
This. Shocking!
Well...I guess I just justified everything for her. :-
But in all honesty if my SIL and her FH acted like that in anyway, then my husband would be the first to distance himself from that sort of thing. He's not cold hearted at all but he knows his boundaries and doesn't respond to people that push them.
It's possible the Deleted Poster is homophobic, but really it sounds like the SILs just hugely differ in personality with a big dose of entitlement thrown in. They shouldn't be treated like special snowflakes because they are a part of a maligned group of people.
It's unfortunate that there isn't a sort of middle ground to be found but I see a couple of deal-breakers in trying to have a closer relationship with the inlaws (the entitlement, and rampant PDA). I don't know if the OP was exaggerating or not, I'm just giving my opinion on what was posted.