Cleaning & Organizing
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Does husband and housework mix?
Can someone give me some suggestions on how to get your husband to help out with the housework (Dusting, moping, laundry, dishes, BATHROOMS). My husband grew up in a household where the women did the 'girly chores' and men did the 'manly' chores (mowing grass, shoveling snow) etc. I can not get my husband to do any 'girly' chores and all we do is argue when it comes time to do those chores. It doesn't help that the MIL still thinks and says that it is my job to keep the house clean (but that is whole another issue!)
Re: Does husband and housework mix?
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The way our household runs doesn't work for everyone and it may not work for us in a year but for right now I do most of the housework and cooking. This is because my husband works an hour from home-I work 3 miles from home.
In the hour it takes my husband to get home I can do the daily cleaning and start dinner. Otherwise I could sit on my butt and wait for my husband to get home so he could do it. It just makes sense for us to do it this way.
Now, my husband does a lot of outside and maintenance things (i.e. snow removal, mowing, changing air filters, etc). If I ask him to help me with a chore if I get home late or something he does it with no questions asked.
Just sit down and have a conversation with your husband. Explain to him what you need help with and go from there.
This.
My only advice is when he says he'll do something let him. It may not be in your time or how you'd do it but it will get done. Something that means the dishes take an extra day to get done. Don't nag on the chore.
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I don't think there are any "tricks" it's just a matter of having an adult conversation.
We split pretty much all the chores. Summer time I always pass the vaccuum while he cuts the grass ( our grass needs to be cut weekly and takes over 3 hours to do). Winter time, he usually takes over the vaccuuming while I do other chores.
I generally get dinner ready and do most of the dishes before he gets home from work and whatever dishes are left after dinner he helps with those. As for laundry, the only thing he does randomly if I ask for help is switch the load to the dryer or fold the laundry. All the other chorse are split or we both do them to get it done quicker.
What's your issue with his division of labor? Be specific. Would you prefer to mow grass but aren't 'allowed' and feel shunted to the kitchen? Do you feel like you have more work in his division scheme? How much more? When?
Try something visual to begin your adult discussion. Print-off a weekly calandar (for 1 entire year) and pick two highlighter colors. Us the highlighter to mark-off the hours you spend each day doing your "girly" chores and use a different color to mark-off the hours he does his "boyish" chores. Maybe do a third where you both do chores together (if any).
Step-back and look at it. Men tend to be visual, so this can be effective at starting the conversation.
If nothing changes, hire a house cleaner. If it's "your job" to keep the house clean then its your call to bring-in staff.
You want suggestions on how to get somebody to change the way you admit they've always been? The way you knew he was when you were dating? The way you knew he was when you agreed to marry him? The way you knew he was when you stood at the altar and said "I do?"
My H works and I don't, so I do almost all of the housework. But if I need or want help with something, all I have to do is ask. He doesn't look around and think "That garbage really needs to go out," but if I ask him to he'll get to it.
So yeah. I'm seconding (or thirding or nthing) the suggestion to sit down and talk about it. Maybe explain that you're not his mother, and that you aren't willing to do all of the day-to-day tasks (because that's a lot of where the gender division is; men do the occasional tasks, like yardwork or maintenance and women do the stuff that needs to be done every day).
I've assigned a few regular chores to my husband (for instance, taking out the trash, changing the litter box) that he is responsible for (only he does these chores). Often, I have to remind him to do them, but when I bring it to his attention gets to it.
My suggestion to you is to ask your husband if he'll be responsible for regularly maintaining certain things. That way, he expects to have to do them. And anytime he does his chores always tell him thank you and how much it means to you that he helps you out. It'll make him feel good about doing chores if he knows that he gets recognition for doing them.
Does MIL work outside the home? Do you?
If you stay home, then I wouldn't really have a big problem with traditional division of labor.
If you work outside the home (a non-traditional role) then he needs to take on some non-traditional roles as well.
That said, my DH does not "clean". He tidies. He organizes. He will do dishes and laundry. If the floor is really bad he'll sweep or vacuum, but that's very rare. He doesn't do bathrooms. When he cleans up after dinner, he gets food put away, dishes in dishwasher and pans in the sink - I don't think it has ever occured to him to wipe down the counters. But I'm ok with this. The laundry and dishes are the things I hate and I refuse to be solely responsible for them. He probably does more laundry and dishes than I do.
This is basically what my husband does.
Figure out what he wants to/likes to do. Figure out what you want to/like to do. There will most certainly be things that neither of you like to do. Split those chores or rotate who does them. Put a calendar up on the fridge with a list of chores (daily, weekly, monthly). My husband knows that we do laundry on Wednesday and Saturday, and we do cat litter Wednesday, Saturday and Monday. Whoever gets home first will start, or will say, "after dinner, I'll do x if you do y." H knows our routine. He'll ask what needs to be done for the bathroom to be clean - because it has to get cleaned every week. I'm better at spotting things like when the floor needs to be swept or when the furniture needs to be dusted. He needs to get into a routine and you need to figure out what needs to be done and how often to get the house the way you both like it.
If all else fails, divorce him and marry someone without such antiquated views of gender roles.
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Talk about what each are willing to do - agree to the amount of time you are both willing to spend cleaning - work together as a team, not against each other.
If all else fails, hire a cleaning lady!!!
I'm going to take the unpopular opinion and say leave the man alone. If you want something clean, clean it yourself. Otherwise, you should have married someone who wants things as clean as you do.
I do the majority of the cleaning while DH does the outdoor chores. He'll also empty the dishwasher and does clean up after himself.
He came from a big family with a Mom who had no desire to have a clean house - just not a priority. I come from a family where my Mom bordered on OCD. The reality is he will never clean something to my standards and it's pointless to harp on him about it.
If he does some chores - which it sounds like he does the heavy lifting ones - I'd call it square. The fact that his mom thinks one way is probably a reflection of her generation and quite frankly, it's a little silly for you to concern yourself with it or think she will change. Sounds like he grew up in a very typical household.
I was rasied in a family where women do the housework. DH was raised where the chores are 50/50.
If I want his help I ask and he'll do it, but I usually do it. He is VERY appreciative of how I keep our home, and doesn't take it for granted, so honestly it doesn't bother me at all.
i am a lurker on this board but... I dont ever want to shovel or mow the lawn and do the "manly chores" .. so i think it is a fair trade... I do the girly chores and I dont have to pressure wash the deck or clean out gutters. I think it is a fair trade.
i know this will get some nasty comments but i just wanted to say there is nothing wrong with that trade off in my house.