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Holiday Drama ALREADY! Vent
DH's Aunt sent out an email asking what we were doing for Thanksgiving, and what time would work for us to go over for Thanksgiving-she sent this email a week ago. My family lives here too, so we rotate holidays. We canot eat at 3 then hurry and leave to go somewhere else at 5. We tried that for the first few years we were married, but always made one side or the other mad. We got sick of rushing around and doing half the day with one side/half with the other. One side would always accuse us of being late, and the first house we would go to would try to keeo us/wouldn't have dinner on time (DH side says they eat at 2, but wouldn't even have dinner started and we would eat at 4.) Then go my side at 5. His aunt said we were "late" because we didn't spend ALL DAY with them-she knows full well my side is here and we were with them-this was 3 Xmas ago. She told us we had to do the dishes bc we were late. Last Xmas, my mom got mad at me bc we were with my DH side and I told her that I had made it clear that we were rotating 2 years prior. She thought it was a good idea until we didn't spend Xmas with them.
Today, I told my mom just in general conversation that we would be with them at Thanksgiving. She said, hmm...ok...are you with DH family at Christmas? "Yes, we rotate every year." She said that plenty of people eat two Thanksgivings; trying to get me to change my mind about rotating.
DH and I have told my side and his for the last 3 years that we rotate holidays. Every year, his side tries to get us over to their house. Last year, they swore they would eat at 1 (we didn't go but turns out they ate at 3).
Just a vent.
Anyone else have a similar problem?
Re: Holiday Drama ALREADY! Vent
I could have WRITTEN your post. To add to your "dishes," experience - - when we would leave to go to my family's house, dh's family would accuse us of leaving before the dishes were done / food put away so we could get out of helping out!!!
You are doing the right thing by just rotating and not giving in to their demands. If they say "we'll eat at 1 pm this year," tell them it doesn't matter what time they eat, b/c you will be at your family's home this year.
As for your mom, let her know that if you were to see two sides at Thanksgiving, then you and dh would reward yourselves by spending a quiet Christmas at home - without either family.
Just let everyone know that your plans are not up for discussion. Repeat as necessary. Sooner or later, it may get through their thick skulls.
Just shut down discussion of it.
"We've already made our decision and it's not open for discussion." Don't argue, don't reason, don't plead. Send the aunt an email back with, "We'll be spending Thanksgiving with my family this year, but we'll be spending all of Christmas with you. We'll see you then!" and then leave it at that. Whenever your mother starts in on getting you to come by for Christmas, as soon as you can just repeat calmly that the decision has been made, you will be there for Thanksgiving but not Christmas and next year it will be their year for Christmas.
My maternal family has always rotated holidays this way-my whole life. ILs hate this. They think that they should get every holiday (not just Christmas/Thanksgiving but also Easter, July 4th etc) because I have siblings and DH is an only child. We planned on alternating, just as my family does-but then ILs went off the deep end, so we don't spend any holidays with them.
Stick to it and just end all conversation about it.
LOL! What do you mean "already"? We settle holiday plans in August.
How about hosting every third year? Or every year if they all get along? (benefit: cook decides when dinner is served, so timing won't be as much of an issue)
No way on earth would I go to two places on a holiday and try to take part in the main event at both. Not gonna happen. Stick to your guns. They will get used to it... eventually.
Tell both sides that you two are spending the holiday at home, just the two of you, because he's the only one who gives a damn whether you enjoy the holiday and doesn't treat you like a toy he's entitled to spend a holiday playing with, and vice verse. I've had to do this with our families as well (we went back to spending holidays with one family or the other, or both, or neither, after they stopped acting like lunatics).
Stick to your guns or go nowhere. It's not worth all the drama.
If you wanted to arrange a compromise, you could tell the off year year family that you would be happy to join them for dinner on Friday or Saturday, but you have plans on Thursday.
Personally, would go with option A.
Similar? We could be twins.
I am OOT from my family (both sides). A few years ago, my mother was WORKING for Thanksgiving, but insisted that we come (because it was their "turn" - since we only came the weekend before the year before) so we went for T-day. Then she FREAKED-OUT that we dared to travel Friday after T-day saying "Fine, you are spending Thanksgiving with your in-laws". WTH? So I changed travel plans for a week later to avoid all implications that ILs were getting any T-day time.
Then, she immediately said that we NEEDED to come back next year ... when she was off for Thanksgiving .... since it was so important to her.
Jesus lady if we NEED to be there when you are working and NEED to be there when you are not, do you get ... at all ... that my husband has a family????
The answer is - NO.
Guess what I did?
Stay home. And I will always stay home as an option. Maybe I'll visit. But only when I WANT TO and it is VERY convenient.
As a result, she has completely mellowed. It's like she eats Xanax. Thank goodness I grew a backbone.
And to add:
Agreed. Holiday plans have already been discussed and booked. For a while.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
Yes, but we were firm about it and after a few years they just accepted it. I still get the "I'm going to miss you at holiday X!" at least once a year though.
I'm actually really looking forward to this holiday season. From now on I have an excuse to stay home for Christmas if I want to.
Thank you all SO MUCH. I struggle with this. We have stuck to our guns the lest 2-3 holidays, but it still comes up. I hate it.
Meanwhile, my mom knows I am pizzed, so she is all over my facebook, kissing my arse and "liking" all my latest statuses.
Plenty of people rotate, she's right. Some do it successfully, some don't, some are happy to do it (and have families that are happy, too) and some build resentment.
That's neither here nor there. But, I promise, trying to please everyone is going to wear not only on you, but on your spouse and eventually on your kids (BTDT).
There are a few suggestions you could try. First, your Aunt-in-law asked what time would be best for you. Actually tell her what time would be best for you. If your folks do lunch then give Aunt-in-law a dinner time. If your parents do a late lunch (3?) then ask them to do a normal lunch hour so that you can attend both. Another option would be to tell Aunt-in-law that you'll skip the meal, but will be there for pie around X o'clock and will bring dessert wine or something as a treat for her. **Edited to add: rereading, I think I'm now seeing that this was a rotation of holidays not necessarily who would be first seen on a given holiday and - am I right in rereading that this year accordign to your rotation you would have skipped Thanksgiving with Aunt-in-law altogether? If so, then that's what you respond with: "Aunt-in-law, Just a reminder that odd years are scheduled for my family during Thanksgiving time so you won't have to consider us at all for timing. Hope you have a fantastic feast and we look forward to seeing you for Christmas!"
Another option would be to stop rotating. Assign written in stone unless dying or new birth comes along type holidays. You and your DH know which relative assigns the most personal weight to a holiday. I was lucky, my ILs traditional day was Christmas Eve while my parents wanted dibs on every single Christmas. My mother also wanted Thanksgiving - which I couldn't stand having two big holidays (always family drama) under her control, so I insisted that that one was mine (actually it started out as a protest, I did it with my little family and friends, and extended relatives weren't invited for a couple of years - yeah it was a little "mark my territory-ish" but it worked). You could do something like that...Aunt has Thanksgiving every year, Mom has Christmas and you pull Christmas Eve (or some other holiday or event) at your home for both sides of the family.
Another thing to perhaps "remind" all parties of.... what happened when THEY first got married? They were probably in your exact same shoes. two families to spend their time between. How did THEY feel about being pulled in different directions?
But somewhere along the way, they stopped, didn't they? Well... you're stopping!
Now, of course, they may pull the "it wasn't until we had kdis that we stopped", to which all you would need to say is "That's a decisioni you made at that time> WE are making the decision to stop now."
But really, my ultimate point would be "you went through this once your self. I would hope you could be more understandign and supportive as we deal with it ourselves.".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Stick to your guns!
Somehow, I think she's going to hear "we went to Grandma Smith's house UNTIL THE YEAR SHE DIED!!!"
Thank you all again for the advice.
The MAIN issue with NOT rotating and "setting times" is just that-DH side does not respect time, and accuses us of being "late" if we are not there ALL FING day. My side tries to GT us into staying until we absolutely have to leave, and then if they are "second" my mom GRILLS me on "ooohhh how was it at your in-laws?"
It just won't work.....so we are rotating. Doing two holidays each Thanksgiving/Christmas just didn't work.
And yes, if we said" what was it like for you?" DH side (especially) would say, "oh we were always together!" However, they have alot less people in their family (it's just MIL and her sister).
Then invite everyone to your home so everyone has equal time since you don't think altering anything else would help. Then no one is left out, or feels their Christmas/Thanksgiving is paltry.
Flat out tell these crybabies that you have two families to share the holidays with. Whoever got to spend Thursday with you last year gets to spend Friday with you this year. Plain and simple.