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In-Law Problems
I just got married a few months ago and before that my husband and I were together for almost 4 years. I've tried to connect with his mom and his sister the best way I can but it doesn't seem to be working. We have an age gap of 9 years and I feel like his mom and sister treat me like a child sometimes.
One time when my husband was sick his mom called me and said, "I don't have to tell you to make him chicken noodle soup do I?" I nearly lost it! Instead I just bit my tounge and said of course I've been taking very good care of him. It just seems that no matter how old he gets, his mom will never let go of the fact that he's a grown man and has a family of his own now. How do I deal with this? I can only bit my tounge for so long.
His sister and I have had our share of arguments. We've gotten better but I still feel that she's nice to my face and hates me behind my back. What can I do to try and make these realtionships better?
I try and have family events once or twice a year with both of our families but that doesn't seem to help either.
Please give me advice!
Thanks 
Re: In-Law Problems
So, stop trying so hard. You don't have to be best buddies with his mother and sister - they aren't the ones that chose to date and marry you, you know. Be cordial, be polite, and that's it. Stop worrying about trying to be BFFs with your SIL - why are you even arguing with her?
I'm sure that his mother realizes that he is as grown man..........but you need to STOP assuming that they are being patronizing, and stop taking what they say so personally. Her comment about the soup was stupid, but yours was even more stupid.........he's a grown man, remember? I sure as hell don't try to explain how good I take care of my husband to his mother. If she bothers you this much, then let her husband do the majority of the talking to her.
Forcing your families together isn't going to magically make things better either. I personally have no desire to go hang out with my sister's inlaws........she married them, not me. I don't particulary dislike them, but I don't particularly like them either and would not choose to spend my day with them. Keep having events where you invite both families, but do it because you want to and not because you think that it will magically make your inlaws like you better.
I don't know exactly how old you are, but I'm trying to imagine my sister being married to someone 9 years younger than she is. And honestly, it would be very hard for me to not think of them differently, because to me 9 years at what I'm assuming your/your husband's age to be is a lot. You must have known that this could be an issue when you married him, you need to harden yourself up a bit. His mother and sister might not approve completely. But again, they aren't the ones that married you.....stop letting them bother you and stop trying so hard to prove yourself.
This. You can't force relationships. It sounds like they're cordial to you, so be cordial back.
I am actually 14 years younger than my H, but I am 100x more mature than his sisters, so I never had your problem! I also married H when I was older (30+), so maybe I just had more confidence.
Plus, his stepmom wasn't exactly the "mothering" type. She tried to give me parenting tips when dd was born, and it was all I could do to keep from laughing in her face - - the kids she raised are f'ed up.
Anyway, it doesn't matter if your SIL likes you or not. She is doing all that is required - - being nice to you in person. Just because you married her brother doesn't mean that you need to be besties or even like each other. Ditto your MIL.
I agree that her phone call as completely condescending. Just accept that that is the way your MIL is. If you don't like it, then don't answer her calls. Let them go to voicemail and answer her back after your H is better. You can always say "I don't like to be distracted with phone calls when I am taking care of H!" (LOL!).
And don't force your family and his to be one big happy group. If you really don't enjoy his family, invite your family and have a good time.
You do NOT have to be close to his family. In fact, if you don't get along, maybe a little distance and not trying as hard will be a better option. Surround yourself with couples / friends / family that you and H both have fun with and enjoy.
They clearly do not want to be buddies with you (and frankly I don't get why you would WANT to be friends with a condescending MIL and a biitchy SIL), so stop pining over something that isn't there. Be polite to them when you see them and let that be it. If SIL likes to fight with you, then ignore her.
In situations like that, if she calls, just say, "Hi MIL! Nice to hear from you. Husband is in the garage, let me get him for you. Hang on!" and then pass him the phone. Or, "Hi MIL! Husband isn't available right now, do you want me to tell him to call you back?/Try him on his cell. Talk to you soon!" Don't engage with them.
If they really ARE saying nasty or condescending things to you, then they probably just want a reaction. Change the subject, ignore them or laugh it off.
I don't get why the soup thing was such a big deal. You could've laughed it off and said, "He knows where the soup is" or something like that.
How does your MH deal with them?
Stop trying so hard. I used to be in your shoes. I try to "figure out" my IL's and took their every move/comment personally. Stop. They are different from how you are and how you treat people - that's where the conflict lies.
Let your DH do the majority of the contact w/them and only see/speak to them on a needed basis such as holidays. Be cordial and "light" when you see them, never give them the opportunity for conflict.
It's a shame that you were brought together over a common person that you both love, BUT that doesn't mean that you have to all be best friends.
I'm w/ maybride and mbc.
And to the chicken soup comment.... I'd actually bet you that was probably said w/a bit of humor about it. But for some reason, YOU see it as an attack on your "wifely-hood". Why does it have to be a competition?
When my DS is an adult, I really PRAY that I''ll treat him as the adult he is. but here is a newsflash for you - once you are a mother, you are ALWAYS a mother. I could be 110 and DS could be 72, and he will always be "my little boy".
I don't want to be an annoying mother or MIL, but I will never ever ever ever stop caring about my son and will never stop worrying about him when he is sick, or what have you.
why there are so many women out there who see this as a threat, it's beyond me. I LOVE my son and will always have a VERY vested interest in his life and his health.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
THIS, a million times this.
Why on earth are so many women who post about hating their MIL so threatened by them? Good Lord, I certainly have no interest in replacing that particular role in my husband's life. I don't want to be his mother, so there's no competition to be had.
IF my MIL ever made some weird comment about me "knowing" to make him chicken noodle soup when he was sick, I'd laugh and tell her that we're stocked up on Campbells.
I totally agree with all of this.. and have to say, sometimes it's nice to have someone who can look out for your husband if life is really hectic and yet he really needs it. When my H and I lived close to his parents, when he got sick he'd head over to his parents to be nursed while I went to work and stuff, or sometimes his mom would stop over with some soup and a DVD or something. I never had to miss work or go in late, and I knew if he took a turn for the worse (he had some bad health problems for a while) his mom was there to get his stubborn ass into the hospital. I'm not a failure of a wife because I don't take over the "job" his mom likes to do.
Not everything has to be a competition, so don't take it personally OP.
I totally agree. My MIL does this kind of thing all the time with her three sons. The youngest is 31. All are professionals with advanced degrees and children of their own. But she'll still call to ask if they've had their flu vaccines and caution them about identity fraud. I generally find it to be an endearing quality, because she demonstrates how much she loves them and thinks about them. And you know what? I don't know everything, so maybe there will be a time she alerts me to something useful that I don't know. Has nothing to do with how good a wife I am, but she's been alive twice as long as I have, and knowledge comes with experience.
I tried to get close to my in-laws because I thought that would make my husband happy, but we're just too different. My husband could care less. His attitude is that as long as I am respectful and can spend time with them on holidays/birthdays and a couple of random times a year he's fine with it. We have a cordial, respectful relationship, but we'll never be close, and that's okay. His mom makes comments all the times, especially when one of us is sick, about what we should be doing, how she does things, etc., and I just thank her for the advice and hang up.
If you just got married a few months ago, just like it's an adjustment for you and your H to your new relationship, I'm sure it's an adjustment for his mom, even if you guys were living together beforehand. My parents had trouble adjusting at first when I went away to college, and again when I got married. Give it some time and have some patience, and I'm sure soon enough you all will develop a routine and a better idea of how your relationship will be from now on. And when your MIL calls and reminds you to make him some soup, just remember that it's her showing that she worries about him and you'll probably do the same if you have kids.
I struggle with my ILs often. We are very very different. They didn't like me when they first met me. A lot of the issues for us, however, is religion for us. But other issues is that I'm the youngest in my family with a sister who has been married for six years and has two kids. He is the oldest in his family with his youngest brother still in high school. So his parents are still parents. Parents will always be parents, but they still try to parent my H. It drives me crazy. My H is a officer in the Marine Corps and yet when we go and visit they scold him like he's six all over again. It completely drives me crazy. And I used to take everything they said very personally and like it was an attack.
But I have been learning to keep my mouth shut and just deal with the weekend that we have to spend with them then more on. I don't talk to them outside of when we are in person because it makes life less stressful for me. My H handles his family. He listens to what I'm saying and tries to understand and tries to help me see that they aren't always attacking me, but when they are, he stands up for me.
Basically, I married my H and I also got his family. I don't want to make things more difficult and uncomfortable so I try to be polite and just deal with it as it comes. Most of the time it's just about and biting your tongue. You don't want to attack his family to him because that will sometimes cause a wedge for your relationship.
To be honest now matter how old your husband gets he is always going to be her child and mothers never stop worrying about their children. My MIL used to drive me nuts because she always babied my husband and tried to do that with me. I realized that this was never going to change and that it really wasn't hurting me just annoying. You should try to just get over it. Now when she is babying us I will accept any help she can give if it will lighten my load and if its just annoying I politely tell her its under control but if we need any help she'll be the first person we call. I'm sure the soup comment was not meant to offend you. She was more than likely just worried about her son.
I'm with everyone else though on trying to make the in-laws like you. Why do you care? You didn't marry them and their opinion doesn't matter. My SIL does not like me and never has. I really don't know why. From what I can see she doesn't like a lot of people and that is just how she is. I could care less if she likes me. All that matters is that she is polite when I'm around and does not do anything to disrespect me. You should stop trying so hard. You do not need these people to be your friend or approve of you. They only have to be respectful and polite. If they aren't then it is YH job to fix it.