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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
What do you think of traditional "courting"?
My sister told me she is going to do this with her kids. What do you think?
Courting in this way: Courtship takes the position that the two people have no physical contact at all (no touching, no hand-holding, no kissing) until marriage. Many in a courtship relationship will not spend any time together unless family members, preferably parents, are present at all times. In addition, courting couples state up front that their intentions are to see if the other person is a suitable potential marriage partner. Courtship advocates claim that courtship allows for the two people to truly get to know each other in a more platonic setting without the pressures of physical intimacy or emotions clouding their view.
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TTC #2 for a million years: SA normal, CD 23 bloodwork shows nothing amiss, ovulation detected. Next step: ? maybe CD3 bloodwork to check eggs? All out of pocket, so limited IF tests/treatments.
Re: What do you think of traditional "courting"?
I mean, I think it's pretty hard to force kids to do something like that, especially since they know there are alternatives (as opposed to maybe 200 years ago where this was the norm). And we can all guess how much that will make them want to do something completely the opposite.
In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with dating that doesn't involve sex until marriage, for example. However, there is a huge difference when the parents are saying "this is how it will be" versus two people both holding a belief for whatever reason and agreeing mutually upon that. I think that latter is healthier obviously. Parents don't often give their kids enough credit - they understand a lot and are capable of making smart, well-informed choices. Yes, teens are hormonal and things my cloud their judgement, but I think if you've given them a solid foundation to respect themselves and people around them, they'll come out ok.
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ETA: And even if one chooses pre-marital abstinence, that is significantly less severe than not being to hold hands, kiss goodnight or have a private conversation. I don't think it allows people to be adults, and would lead to marriage at a very young age (which i don't think is beneficial to personal development, and rarely seems to lead to successful marriages).
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I pretty much agree with all PP's.
I don't think Courting is something for your sister to decide. The Courting process is something she can tell her children about when they are "dating age" (whatever that may be), but it should be her children's choice if that is something they want to participate in. No one should be forced to Courting standards if they do not want to participate.
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I actually know a couple who courted. They knew each other for several years prior to deciding that they wanted to spend time getting to know each other on a deeper level. They spent 12 weeks courting, got engaged and married 12 weeks later. The 12 weeks before they got engaged were spent having conversations about anything and everything. How they felt about things, view points on issues etc. Seems to be working out well for them. The reason for courtship is so that you get to know what/how the person thinks and reacts.
Each to their own.
My parents while they didn't push as hard for the no kissing etc. It was discussed that our relationship remain pure. Personally I don't think the no kissing is a crazy thing, because once you start kissing the other person it brings on a whole world of different emotions. For myself if I could do it over I wouldn't have kissed John until we were much more sure of our relationship.
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I guess I just meant that if I had a girl I'd probably be much more protective and concerned about what might happen on dates.
TTC #2 for a million years: SA normal, CD 23 bloodwork shows nothing amiss, ovulation detected. Next step: ? maybe CD3 bloodwork to check eggs? All out of pocket, so limited IF tests/treatments.
It's so weird to think about when my future kid will be dating... i mean, what the world will be like and what dating will look like/mean to society... so weird.
Best sound ever: baby's heartbeat! (Heard @ 10w1d)
Um.
I think she is going to find that kids spend a lot of time "hanging out at the park" during their teenage years.
I know people who made the no-sex-until-marriage pledge and stuck with it, but no physical contact at all ... they'd be missing out on half the point of high school.
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I don't think that no physical contact is necessary to have deep and meaningful conversations and to get to know each other before marriage. In addition, as PP said, physical contact is an IMPORTANT part of marriage, and compatibility in that department is important as well. Sex can break a marriage (and I don't mean infidelity, but completely different drives, tastes and kinks, etc).
I think this idea is unrealistic and likely to lead to big trouble down the line. As Legalbrit said, I think it's much more important and realistic to instill good morals and respect for relationships and communication skills than NO TOUCHING! (sorry, had an Arrested Development flashback) Because your sister is going to either home school the kids until they get married (or skip college or whatever) or hang out with them every moment in HS so that they can't hold hands. I foresee staying at school late to "work on a project", sneaking out at night, and getting married at 18 just so one can touch a non-family member!
this.
it's unrealistic in "this day and age"....it might've been reasonable 20-30 years ago...but not "these days" unless she lives in a highly conservative area where there is a heavy concentration of others that feel the same way and will all be practicing this rule with little to no outside media.
for some reason i feel like this was discussed sometime on this board before.......or maybe not. i have some uber religious neighbors, so it could've been discussed with them......either way, NMS.
also, when i was on TK, there was a girl who had never kissed her FI (or anyone), and he the same. their first kiss was at their wedding, which i thought was sweet, but unrealistic.
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Best sound ever: baby's heartbeat! (Heard @ 10w1d)
My H and I both come from families where courtship is considered a good idea. My parents tried to push it on me. It caused a lot of resentment when I was a teenager. I had a boyfriend, and we dated, and kissed, and hung out alone, despite a lot of resistance from my parents, mostly my mom. Then, my mom ended up resenting me horribly, because I was "rebellious" and didn't live up to her ideal. I think she still harbors some of that to this day.
By the time I met H, I was out of the house and I think my mom had given up trying to have any control over the matter. We didn't court. We had a pretty normal relationship. We didn't abstain, but we were pretty much certain we'd spend the rest of our lives together at that point. I'd like to think we turned out ok. H's brother and his wife didn't do anything beyond hold hands until their wedding, and I guess they turned out ok too... but they do have six children lol.
Ditto to a lot of the PPs - it's not a parent's decision. It's a parent's responsibility to instill good values and raise a child to respect themselves enough to make good decisions. There comes a point when your children are too old to be micromanaged, and fighting that will only put a strain on the relationship.
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In my family and faith we believe in courtship. But not as strict as the initial poster explained it. For example, chaperons were always recommended but if we wanted to be alone together in the other room or if we wanted to go to the movies alone or out to dinner that was fine. Things looked down on would be driving around at night alone or being in a house alone. Those things can too easily lead to sex and since we were waiting till marriage it was better to avoid tempting situations. It is because of my faith that I believe it to be right, and my parents instilled that in me. BUT that was my choice, if I had told them that I didn't want any part in it, they wouldn't have pushed me. I was thankful for their guidance and direction though.
DH and I did date alone and there was definitely kissing but nothing as far as sex. But we did talk about sex. We talked about everything. So it wasn't like we were jumping in to the unknown when we were married.