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The anatomy of my failing marriage...(Long)
Some background..H and I have been married for almost 4 years but been together for almost 6. We have one AMAZING lil boy. We have spent most of our relationship fighting about sex and intimacy. When we first got together I never felt that ?spark? but because my past choices of men was pretty crappy I thought that maybe this was the way love was suppose to be..Like it would grow and blossom over time. 9 months into our relationship he took a job that would require him to travel and I was calling it quits but? I was hit head on by a drunk driver and he stepped up to help me when my family wouldn?t. He asked for a different position with the company and possible risked his job to stay near me. While I was in the hospital we fought very often. The details are really unimportant now but mostly it was because he didn?t like male nurses assisting me with going to the bathroom or showers. He called me names and because of my medicated stupor and very dependent situation I just kind of let it happen. I would cry and beg him to stop but to no avail..After 2 months in the hospital I was sent home in a wheel chair and he took me to his place to continue to heal. We fought all the time. He would threaten to put me out, in my wheel chair and one time let my dog loose in the neighborhood. One time I rolled myself into the bedroom to get away from him and curled up in a ball with my fingers buried in my ears to try to drown out the screaming and cursing coming from him. For some reason he decided that we should get married. I don?t know why and never will but he got me a ring and asked me to marry him on Christmas morning. I said yes and I have regretted it ever since. The following day he wanted to set a date and I wanted to wait 2 years till I was walking and I wanted to do premarital counseling. He packed my things and rolled me into the cold until I reconsidered.
Yes, like a dumb ass I married this guy. We spent the year of our engagement fighting about him not wanting to have sex and all the abuse I had endured/ allowed to happen. I was finally starting to find my inner strength again and he was not happy about it.
We got married in Jamaica and spent 1 week with our family and 2 weeks for our honeymoon. He would barely touch me. I cried myself to sleep many of the days that we were there. I will never forget those lonely nights that we were supposed to be spending together. We had sex one time after I cried and begged. It was awful. Once we returned home the fighting picked right back up and we spent 8 months not having sex. I cried, begged, bought sexy lingerie and cried some more. He blamed the whole thing on me..I had emotional issues, my idea of marriage was wrong whatever..
We began to go to counseling.. I drew a lot of strength from our secessions and I started going to deal with my issues and the PTSD that resulted from my near death accident. For some reason, when things started to get better I decided with the constant input of my controlling husband that we were ready to have a child. The year I was pregnant was worse than the first year of our marriage. We fought all the time. I was belittled and talked down to and then the cursing and name calling began. I went in to labor 12 weeks early and I will never know if it was the stress or some other factor but my son was born very early. I dove into motherhood with a new found strength to do what was right for my child which was to be there for him to teach him how NOT to be like his father.
We dove back in to counseling once my son was a year old. The cursing and name calling stopped and now being a few years older my perspective has changed quite a bit. I realized that among all the fighting the real issue was a lack of connection, intimacy, trust and honestly sex.
Nothing really changed in the year of counseling that we attended except that I gained clarity and learned about healthy interaction and he stopped cursing at me. We still had no sex and when we did it was completely unsatisfying for me. He treated me like a hooker. He would bend me over pump for 2 minutes and take a shower. On any other level of intimacy I wouldn?t consider him an acquaintance let alone a friend.
He has anger issues to add to this whole mess and a flat out refusal to express any other emotion..happy, sad, empathy are not expressed by him ever.
Tomorrow we have another secession in therapy scheduled. He knew the topic that we were going to discuss was our sexual relationship and intimacy. He asked me today to refresh his memory about what we were going to discuss. I told him. He decided to try to get me to change the topic of discussion and tell me that I was ?inventing? some issue that was not there. That many couples don?t have fulfilling sexual relationships and that he felt ?sorry for me? that I placed so much importance on it. Then he began telling me that I haven?t tried to keep this relationship together. He then told me to go sleep with someone else and that all I ever wanted was to have two babies by the same father (WTF).If you noticed my ticker we decided/I decided to have another baby. That is how good things had been going for us in spite of a crappy sex life. He kept trying to twist my words around and make me the ?bad guy? Thank God for therapy because I have learned how to not get on someone else?s emotional rollercoaster. He then said he was not going to therapy because all I do is tear him down and he is not letting me have power over him?Um?yeah..
Once he came home with our son he sat on the couch and ignored my precious little boy and stared blankly at the TV. This is typical for him..he will ignore me for days but play video games and watch TV. As a mom it made my blood boil. It also, made me want to put my son in a situation where he can see healthy interaction and not this dysfunctional mess that it our life. This is not the first time I have wanted to leave. I have left 3 separate times. The last was when he picked up our 8mths old son and said ?your mommy is a stupid biitch..she is a dumb ***?
As I was washing my face tonight he came in and said that he would go to therapy if we didn?t talk about ?that? topic..Ummm..no. Then he said he would go but he was no longer going to plan a future with me. Again?Ummm..no. I tried one more time to explain to him that while sex and intimacy was not on his priority list that it was on mine and if he cared for me he should respect the things I care about. Not, ridicule or belittle me for feeling or viewing things a certain way. Well, he started all over again and said ?That?s it?you can?t have any power over me..I quit..I am done..I am not going to therapy?
I am tired of trying, tried of the fighting. I know this whole thing comes off like I am some defenseless person but I am not. Part of the reason we fight so bad is because I know myself worth, I know what I deserve and I will not allow myself to be so beaten down, as I was after my accident. He says that I have an overly inflated ego..He says that I am not a good person..He says that I am not worth it..I say I am..
Tomorrow, I will go to therapy. Tomorrow I will FINALLY send in the paper work for legal aid..Tomorrow I make a decision that will save my son from becoming his father..tomorrow I start taking it one day at a time?just like when I started to learn to walk again. Tomorrow I stop saying I am worth it and I prove it..
I have tried to be a good wife but sometimes I think you have to admit that it just wont work..I am an AMAZING mother and my son deserves me to be happy and I do too...
thanks for listen if you made it this far...
Re: The anatomy of my failing marriage...(Long)
Good for you.
Marriage should NOT be this difficult. I'm very sorry you've been living like this. It is absolutely unacceptable. I think its high time that you stick a fork in this relationship and move on. Do it for you, your son, & your sanity.
We are always here if you need to talk.
I am so sorry that you have endured such abuse for the past few years. Please come back and read this post if you ever have moments of doubt.
Also, please remember that things were never "good" with him. You say yourself that you did not match on any level of intimacy enough to even survive as mere acquaintances. I am glad you are getting out.
Thank you ladies very very much! I have been feeling this way for a long time. I have voiced it in thearpy many times but I am tired of hearing my own voice.
I wonder if it is divine intervention but my BFF just broke up with her BF and needs a roomie..
Make a pregnancy ticker
Sorry, I can't get past the part where you were fighting constantly (at his onslaught it sounds like... male nurses?? really??) and you kept going.
If you don't like the bed you're sleeping in, well who picked out the mattress? And the sheets? And the headboard? And the... well, you get the idea.
Find out in therapy how you managed to make such a crap decision for yourself, but above all free yourself from your own PAST bad judgment to do better for yourself anohter day in the future.
You should have been in individual counseling this whole time.
You would have left a lot sooner.
Im glad you are leaving now, and hope you follow through with all of this. PLEASE get yourself your own counselor and start going ASAP.
Everything Fuss said.
You need to get out of this situation now. For your sake, for the sake of your son, and good grief for the sake of that potential baby in your ticker.
You are worth it, always remember that!
Jesus. What a nightmare.
Leave his ass in a hurry and as somebody here would say, Run Screaming.
Not healthy for you or your son -- you know this. The sooner you are gone the better off you and your kiddo will be.
After you've taken care of the following, an attorney and file:
Copies of everything: finances, anything else pertinent.
Protect your assets -- make sure he can't get your money or anything else valuable you own.
Get your financial ducks in general in a row
Document everything he has said or done; make a copy of this thread, also, and store 'em in a safe place, like a bank safety deposit box.
Lets see..I have contacted legal aid and I have also contacted the woman?s crises center in my area. I have an appointment with them so they can help me get out without rocking the boat.
Our finances are completely separate so that is not a problem. I am working on saving more money then I already have and starting to make copies of things like the deed to the house and car paper work..
again, thank you ladies
Make a pregnancy ticker
OP, I almost cried reading about how abusive and completely cruel your H has been to you. Like the other ladies said, thank goodness you are getting out of this situation now.
One thing, you've mentioned that you've left before and come back- make this the last time you leave. Please be firm in your decision- you know you are doing the right thing. I would suggest printing out your post for yourself. On the days that the divorce process is difficult, read what you wrote, and realize how much better your life will be without this azzhole in your life, and remember the reasons (your own self worth, your children) that ditching this guy is the best thing you can do.
Good luck with everything.