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The Father In Law
My husband and I have been together for almost 7 years now and were married this past May and my life is kind of like Everbody loves Raymond, tbut this time it's my father in law. Into the first couple years of being together my father in law wasn't really an issue and didn't really bother me until we moved into an apartment together 3 years ago. I never realized really how much involved my husband and his dad were together.
Whether it was him stopping over everyday or calling. Any decison my husband made, his dad was right there behind them helping him or even making the decison for him. Nothing was ever brought to me, especially since alot if it involved my life also.
When we got engaged is when it really started to bother me, I felt like I was left out. It got to he point to where I told my husband "you're marrying me, not your father", and things have got to change. He felt that I was making him choose between me and his dad, which wasn't the case at all, I just wanted him to let me in on some decisons.
After being in an apartment for over a year, we got the chance to start looking into buying my husbands grandma's house. That's when it got worse. Whether it was meetings at the bank or any other appts., I was never involved. Never. After that, things kind of came to a halt because we had to do some remodeling before the bank would let us purchase the house, so we moved in.
Recently after all the remodeling and now were married, we started the process of the house purchase again. But this time I made sure I was involved, which kind of put me on the bend w/ my FIL. because my husband told his dad that him and I were going to handle the house ourselves and his dad got really upset..This occured because I told my husband that it's me and him in this relationship and we are married and adults now, and we make decison together as husband and wife.
Now my father in law doesnt even acknowlege me when he does come around. What should I do, I dont want to make enemies, I just want my husband and I to be able to live as husband and wife.
Re: The Father In Law
your husband needs to grow some balls and set some boundaries
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
If I am reading you correctly, your husband and you are now on the same page and are operating at the same speed when it comes to financial decisions?
Then the problem is not with your husband unless he (or you) presented things in a needlessly confrontational way (or it was taken, needlessly, as confrontational by the FIL).
Have you ever approached your father in law about the boundary issue in general? I think I would start there in a "it's nothing personal" against him way, or judging on perhaps how he ran his own households (maybe the mother left that sort of thing up to him) but that you & DH are more secure and more bonded with things openly communicated and decided within the family. Of course that does not mean that you won't go to him for the POV of experience and wisdom, but it does free your decisions to be your decisions in the end. I think maybe a little ego massaging and if needed some bandaging of how it may have been handled (and it may have been handled absolutely fine! but left him hurt) would do the trick.
Why would your husband let his father treat you so rudely when he visits?
And it's your FIL who is making enemies. He's manipulated his son to cut you out of joint finacial decisions and is now being a bully to break your spirit. This man doesn't respect you or your marriage. How do you think you should treat him?
THIS!
You own the house now?
No one is allowed in my house if they can't even be polite to me. Tell your H that he needs to get his dad to shape up, or he is not allowed on your property. Honestly, this conversation shouldn't be happening, b/c your H should have set his dad straight LONG AGO that he needs to treat you with respect.
DD (see below... stupid computer.)
Also THIS, and from personal experience, I'd like to advise that FIL is going to continue to try to wedge his way into your marriage. Because you had to resort to threats to get your husband to 'allow' you to be involved ("it's him or me"), I would recommend couples counseling. Based on what you described, I have little faith your husbund is going to develop on his own the boundaries with his father that your marriage needs.
It sounds like your H manned up and finally told your dad that he's not involved in your marriage. So the important part is done.
Why are you worried about pleasing a man who's going to hold a grudge against you for living a normal married life with your husband? I can sympathize with you on this part. The important thing to remember is this - your FIL is *choosing* to be mad over this situation. He mistakenly thought that you meant nothing and he meant everything in your marriage, and now he's pouting because your H told him that he was wrong. This is not your fault, and it's not your responsibility to make him happy. If there is an "enemy" situation here, it's because your FIL is acting like a child. The only way to make him happy would be to completely back down and let him take control over your marriage and your life ... why would you want to do that? Stand your ground and realize that you are not responsible for someone else's emotions.
All you can do now is take the high road. Be polite when you have to be around him, and don't give him a legitimate reason to dislike you. Family and friends who are worth a damn will recognize that he's being an _asshole, and anyone who thinks differently isn't worth your time. If he ignores you, just be pleasant but don't go out of your way for him. If he's disrespectful to you, your H needs to tell him, "Be respectful to my wife or you won't see either of us again," and then he needs to follow through with that promise. If you're visiting and FIL is disrespectful to you again, your H needs to just get up with you, walk out the door and not contact his dad again until his dad knocks off the crap.
O.k., sure, your DH finally stood up to his dad. Good for him. BUT - it took him SEVEN years to do so, and he only did it because you're now married? And only because YOU pushed him to it?
I still think this is a bit of a DH problem - I have a feeling he isn't standing up to his dad w/ as much convinction as he probably should be so therefore his dad knows this is YOU "behind" it more than it is his sons choice. I think he needs to be telling his dad that he can't come around if he isn't going to be civil to you. I think he needs to start doing more to really show his dad that this is about what HE wants - not what you're making him do.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10