Family Matters
EML2011
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
ILs causing issues with H and I
We just got married in june 2011 and lets just say I don't get along very well with the IL. This past month has been a very stressful one. My H had some very serious health issues and has been in and out of the hospital. I expected his parents to be around more with his health issues, but now that he's doing better I need a break! They are planning on visiting this weekend and my H and I keep having the same argument. Everytime they come to visit I clean the entire house myself (oh and did I mention that we are also in the middle of renovating our kitchen by ourselves). He doesn't understand why I don't want them to visit and keeps accusing me of "hating his family". I don't know how to explain to him that I really just want some distance and some time to relax. I've made a couple suggestions about limiting the time with his parents, but it always turns into an argument. Please help!
Me: Endo, PCOS & septated uterus (removed)
DH: perfect
4/11 lap to remove endo
6/11 start ttc
4/12 - 10/12 6 cycles of clomid no O
11/12 hysteroscopy to repair uterus
1/13- 2/13 2 cycles of femera no O
3/13 HSG- partial left tube blockage but uterus "repaired"
4/13 first month of injectibles Follistim - cancelled due to overstim
5/13 natural cycle due to cysts
Re: ILs causing issues with H and I
He's got to be on the same song sheet as you when it comes to this. As a pp pointed out, you have an H problem, not an IL problem.
I'm pretty sure this didn't happen after you got married; willing to bet it was always like this.
Just b/c his parents are visiting doesn't mean you have to play hostess 24/7.
Put your H in charge of one or two meals during the visit.
Make plans to be away from the house 1-2 hours at a time. Just "allow them to have some time together" and go see a movie with a friend, or just go to the library and read some books, or hang out at the mall.
Tell your H that you expect to work late on the nights before his parents arrive, so he needs to clean the house by himself. If they comment on the house, tell them that you were working late during the week and "I guess you really didn't teach H to clean for company."
Are the health issues over? If so he is capable of cleaning and entertaining his parents. You do not have to play hostess the entire time they are there. Your DH playing the you hate my family card is not helpful. He really is the problem and not the ILs, but considering he had a serious health issue I don't know if he was like this before or it brought on this need to see his family so often.
Put them to work helping with the renovations.
I think this is actually more of a you problem than an H or an IL problem, honestly. You say you don't know how to tell him you want some time to relax and distance...and you complain about having to clean the house by yourself. Either the issue is you feel you are being graded by your housework and don't want them or you want down time without extended family (or down time without anyone, and that would include your husband)...and however you are handling it is leaving him with the impression that you hate the parents...which may or may not be true (you say you don't get along...is some of that built up resentment or not enough down time and are directing those intensities towards them?).
Be straight as it doesn't sound as if you've tried this yet. Tell him that you need a weekend without visitors. Or tell him that you are going to take off for a weekend by yourself while his parents are over. Or just don't do all the cleaning before they come over so that you are more relaxed...they've lived in real houses before and know things can get backed up or aren't picture perfect...and then while they are there try to figure out (talk it out) what makes you/ILs uncomfortable around one another.
hold on, am I hearing you right, you wanted them around to help you while he was sick but not just to visit. You can't just have them around when you need them.
You guys need to come to a compromise about prepping the house and hosting
i think it's more of a communication issue. if you and DH cannot have a conversation without him accusing you of not liking his family (is that true by the way?) and you both getting into an argument then you both have bad communication skills.
i also see it as a DH issue. if he wants his parents to visit-fine-he cleans half of the house adn takes care of them while they're there.
I just wanted to give all of you an update. ILs came for the weekend and it all went pretty smooth (but was still exhausting!). After they left we had a long conversation about scheduling time with his parents and I explained why I had been so overwhelmed and needed a break! It was definetly a miscommunication on both of our parts.
To answer some of your questions, yes we normally split the housework, but his health issues have limited what he can and can't do. I do not hate his family, but we all have had a very stressful month and it definetly strained my relationship with his family. I'm working on trying not to hold a grudge, but I think it will take me some time to get over it!
I'm not sure how many of you have had to deal with very serious health issues, but I can tell you that it's not easy. I almost lost him after being married for only 3 months, so yes, I may have let him off too easy, but I don't really think it's a good time to be pointing fingers and figuring out who's to blame.
Thank you for all of your advice! We have both agreed to work on our communication (especially when it comes to the ILs).
I say you should put your H to work. It is his family and he should be expected to help you out. Actually in any case, your H should help you out and not leave all the household chores on you anyway.
My husband tends to accuse me of 'hating his family' from time to time, only because I'm hesitate about spending every second together with them. After explaining that holidays are shared now and they have to understand that. And that we live in a small apartment and can't housed his whole family when they come to visit. He gets it and understands. He knows I don't really hate his family, but I like us time. We were married in June 2011 as well and sometimes all I want is just the two of us being newlyweds. He should understand that. And he should start helping around the house more.