Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Friend says she wants to leave H, but I doubt she ever will
On the surface of things, it's a story many would envy:
- she married him at 19 - that was 13 years ago - and he took her away from a bleak place that was Russia in the 90s and brought her to the exciting US of A. He works in finance; he paid for her college (vocal performance); they have a great big house; they travel to exotic places and have expensive hobbies, such as sailing, diving, and flying planes. They even love each other in their own way.
The not-so-enviable part of their relationship: he shows nothing but contempt for her career, belittles her singing, and demands that she be at home with him all the nights and weekends (umm, guess when most of rehearsals and shows take place). All he would have her do is have a baby and stay at home; all she ever wants to do is sing opera on stage. Every time we girls hang out, she complains about his lack of respect for what is, to her, the entire life. In fact, if all she says is true, it very much qualifies as emotional abuse.
She has said many times that she is ready to leave him and that she experiences enormous relief when she thinks her decision is final; next thing you know, she and H are gone sailing to French Polynesia. The saddest thing, to me, is that she'll probably never leave. She is completely dependent on him financially - her name is not even on any bank accounts; she is not that big a star to support herself through opera singing; she doesn't like teaching, and she is afraid she'll have to wait tables or whatever. Much as she'd love to have her freedom and her dream career, maybe she realizes that she may not ever have the kind of life she is enjoying (?) now.
It's tough. I listen to her and sympathize, but the only advice I want to offer is to lawyer up and leave not empty-handed. But I don't know if this is what she really needs. Thoughts appreciated.
Re: Friend says she wants to leave H, but I doubt she ever will
It honestly doesn't sound like your friend is all that confused or in need of your advice. It sounds like she knows exactly what she's doing.
When she mentions leaving, just say, "You know, if you ever decide to take that step, I'll be there for you to help you out with [a place to stay, referrals to support professionals, a shoulder to cry on, whatever you can offer]." And just leave it at that.
But if she's all-complaining-no-action, well who needs friends like that, really? Like I said, she's a grown woman and she seems to know what she's doing.