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ugh, I need advice ladies! long
This little beach trip was really awful and I'm struggling so much with my feelings and can't really talk to DH about it. I'm going to skype with a girlfriend later but I would love some advice from you girls if you have anything to offer.
Basically, we spent 4 days tip-toeing around FIL, who is (no need sugar coat it) dying. He is on dialysis and oxygen and cannot walk more than 5-6 steps on his own. He doesn't eat much and what he does, he usually throws up later. He sleeps about 18 hours a day and is a pretty miserable wretch for the other 6.
Now, I REALLY REALLY REALLY am struggling with my feelings about this whole thing because, at the end of the day, he is DH's dad and once upon a time, things were good between them. But if you remember back a while, it turns out that he's been molesting my SIL for years (the SIL who spent 10 years as a drug addict, likely related). She finally came forward and he admitted everything. Of course, because he is "sick", MIL spent a few months not speaking to him (just being his nurse) but now is trying to keep him happy so that the end of his life isn't awful. That's fine-it's her decision. But as a result, we are all forced into awkward family time with someone that I really hate to be around, for obvious reasons.
On top of the above, he just a Scrooge. Nothing ever satisfies him, nothing is cooked right, nothing is done right, nothing SIL does with the kids is right, you name it. So, the 6ish hours he is awake, he is incredibly difficult to be with. He tried to eat in a restaurant with us once but refused to eat his food ("the restaurant didn't have any respect for eggs") and wouldn't leave a tip, so I went back and put money on the table. He only says about 50 words a day and they are always negative. He saves up all his oxygen for them, it seems.
But, on a terribly sad note, he made it very clear that this is getting to be the end. We saw some old friends of his and he said his "goodbyes". I do not think he will leave the house anymore except to go to the doctor. MIL is freaking out. DH is upset. Etc etc. I am really struggling. The trip was really miserable but I could never share that with any of them. I just smiled and nodded and tried to be as pleasant as possible. I listened when DH told me about his dad's goodbye to his friend. I comforted MIL when she expressed her fears about what's going to happen, etc etc. But I can't help but feel like I'm pretending the whole time. For all I know, he still has a year in him, or he'll end up inhospice soon, or maybe it will just be a few weeks.
He has been this miserable as long as I've known him (or difficult,I guess) so this is not really new news.. though I'm sure escalated as his health declines. But I am struggling with how to support DH through the upcoming death of his father and struggling to continue to be as gracious as I can be. I have never said a mean word to my in laws and obviously don't plan to start now, but any more time with him this weekend and I'm not sure what I would've done. It is really awful.
Any words of advice? Tips for helping DH? Can someone please consume all the wine/beer/liquor that I needed over the weekend for me??
Sorry so rambling. I am just such an emotional scattered mess after this trip.
Re: ugh, I need advice ladies! long
The situation with my FIL was different because we had a really good relationship, but as for supporting your DH, just be there for him. I was there to listen when my H wanted to talk, but tried to act normal when it was clear that's what he needed from me. Having lost a parent myself, I know that sometimes all you want is for people to act normally around you and not treat you like a poor thing who just lost someone. When it got close to the end, I called all of H's friends for him to let them know about the wake/funeral, so that he didn't have to call people himself. I know that part doesn't really apply to you, though.
I'm sorry you had such an awful time. I know how emotionally exhausting it can be to be around when someone is dying and saying his/her goodbyes, never mind dealing with everything else involved in your situation.
Don't be sorry to ramble. I can completely understand why you have such mixed feelings.
I separated and bolded the above because I feel the first sentence is the most important. At the end of the day, no matter what he has done or how he acts, your DH only gets one father. And no matter how your father-in-law acts, he's raised a son who, obviously, is very good and lovable otherwise you wouldn't be with him. Your DH is probably struggling with the same mixed feelings you are...in fact, I don't see how he couldn't be. You're doing the right thing by just being there for him. Hence why I highlighted the next part...you're doing the right thing. As frustrating as it may be to put your feelings aside right now (YOU MOLESTED YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOU ACT LIKE A JERK!!!!!!), I don't see how you'd have any other choice and maintain harmony. If you didn't care about maintaining the peace and helping your H, things would be different, but that's just not how you are.
No words of advice, but you and your DH and your ILs are in my thoughts and prayers. I can't imagine how tough it would be to be angry at someone you love all while watching them die.
I have so much to say about this but really it all boils down to two things:
1. He is DHs father
2. He is dying.
No, dying doens't get you a free pass but, having seen my Dad go through it, I can tell you that there are stages. Just like stages of grief that one goes through. My Dad would do things like call me at work to tell me some of his last wishes, or turn a light-hearted visit into a meaning of life conversation. I protested and protested "Dad, stop, you don't have to do this". Finally I realized.....we did. We did because HE did. I was so uncomfortable and sad and I had to just pretend it was normal to talk to my Dad about accepting death.
Now, on top of that, you have an already difficult person struggling with a very difficult sickness (dialysis suuuuuuuuucks, as I'm sure you know). My guess is he is going to be grumpy until the end and there is very little you can do about it. One thought - sounds like Dad has no interest in things like eating out and instead it's about Mom wanting things to be "normal". Not that you can change her but I wonder if she stopped pushing to do things "for him" - - that are really things he doesn't want - if things would be better. Order in, sit on the couch, listen to him *** and moan. It'll be over soon.
Now, onto DH. Not only do you have him dealing with them impending death of his father, which is hard enough, but you have the whopper of a revelation about F/SIL. It seems that DH and his Dad won't have enough time to really reconcile what happened (not make up, but just process what happened) and that's really sad. I think DH is going to have a lot of 'closure' issues there. He may really benefit from counseling now or after his Dad is gone.
So, in conclusion (this is a book, yes?) I think you do grin and bear it. You don't go out of your way, you just are as polite as you can and know it will be over soon. I know you're a very faith based person so maybe thinking of it that way will help. FIL is miserable now both physically with his illness and mentally/emotionally with the burden of knowing the disgraceful things he did to his daughter - maybe all you can do is forgive?
I think this is where most of my frustration stems from, but I didn't know it until you said it. By her "forcing" us to continue to try to do family things, it is like she is trying to create family memories that maybe will replace the bad taste we all have in our mouth... but instead, they are making it worse. It is really unpleasant to be in the same room, let alone, eating at the same table with him and SIL. He is constantly critical of her and she does her best to maintain some kind of relationship with grandpa and the kids, but it is awful. He has been this way to her forever, which is why she ran off and got into drugs. It is so uncomfortable to watch, especially since he has never said a critical word to DH. It's like everyone is trying so hard to create happy moments, when in reality, there is nothing happy and instead it is forced and uncomfortable. DH doesn't know what to do-he is such a peacemaker and he doesn't want to upset his mom, but even he was fed up with this trip.
I "came to peace" with the whole thing awhile back and forgave him, but that doesn't mean I want a relationship with him, KWIM? I will forever be thankful for who he was to DH, but I guess I just don't want to be around for the rest of this crap, but I know I need to be, for DH's sake.
Thanks so far girls-it seriously helps.
What a mess. I'm so sorry you are dealing with that. It cannot be easy to be in the same room as some horrible jerk who chose to molest his own child, let alone to be kind to that person.
I think everyone has mentioned that it's important to remember that you're being supportive to your DH and his mom, because this is incredibly hard for them. You're doing a great job despite the awful circumstances, and you should be proud of your grace and strength. Your DH will thank you for it when it is over. And thankfully, the weekend is done and you can pull away from the situation momentarily (I hope.)
I know that you have mentioned on here before that you are a spiritual person, so maybe consider what you are meant to gain from this situation. That's what I do during particularly tough times, and although it doesn't always make things easier, it makes me feel like I'm not going through these types of situations in vain, because I always feel there is a lesson or some type of development for me involved.
It also sounds like you are being the strength for everyone in this situation. Your DH, your MIL who forces normalcy on the way abnormal situation, etc. Keep talking to us and IRL friends because you need to have support, too.