Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Family rant. Possibly flameful material?
I'm posting this from my blog, so there may be some weird formatting issues. Family drama. My mom doesn't seem to understand that I don't want contact with my sister. At all. She wants all of us--sister included--to go to dinner on Friday for my birthday. I do not want to go with them. But I feel like I have to, you know? I mean, they're doing it for my birthday, and bringing gifts and everything. So they're trying to do something nice for me. But Mom insists my sister come, even though I told her I didn't want her there. So what do I do? Do I say no and make everyone feel bad, or do I suck it up for the night? I guess I suck it up. I do feel like my family has a hidden agenda, but maybe that's not fair. Maybe they're worse in my head than they actually are in reality. It's not fair of me to treat them like I do, right? That's not what DH and my therapist say, so maybe...I don't know. Ugh. And I'm insanely jealous of my sister because her boyfriend (who is a huge sucker) is taking her to Washington to meet his parents, and I really want to go to the northwest, so I am jealous. And it burns me to be jealous of her, because she's not really worth being jealous over. And Brandon and I may go to PAX next year, so I'd get to go to Washington anyway. But still. I don't know. I'm being irrational. My sister hasn't done anything particularly dramatic and stupid lately. Mom and Dad swear she's changed. Maybe she actually has? That's not how Borderline Personality Disorder works...right? Is that something people can grow out of?
Uuuugh, I hate thinking about my family.
Uuuugh, I hate thinking about my family.
Re: Family rant. Possibly flameful material?
If it's your birthday celebration, shouldn't it consist only of people you want to be there? Shouldn't mom and dad get to pick the guest list on their birthdays?
I'd say no thanks to the birthday dinner.
Your birthday celebration should only include people you want to celebrate with.
I guess I don't know much back story, I'm assuming your sister's BPD has caused issues between the two of you. Is she getting treatment?
Your birthday party shouldn't be the time to try and mend this fence.
I think I've posted a little back story about her, but not a lot. My sister has basically treated me like shitt for most of our lives. She has Borderline Personality Disorder, but she refuses any help (therapy, etc) and says everything is everyone else's fault. She makes a billion horrible decisions, such as getting married to her HS sweetheart two months after they got back together [after a two year break] because she wanted a baby, then sleeping with his best friend three years later because she has two miscarriages and thus decided that she couldn't have a baby with her husband. Then she lived in a horrible little trailer park with the new guy and had a baby and he was a deadbeat and blah blah blah, her life decisions are none of my business. Except, you know, she pulls me into them.
I don't even know where to start. She told me I was stupid and ugly for the first ten years of my life, and then she tried to kill herself when I was 10, and my family put the blame on me because she had an eating disorder and I jokingly called her fat once (before I knew about the ED). Then they expected me to carry the family through the tragedy. That was when she got the BPD diagnosis, as well as a bipolar diagnosis. She was on meds until she was 18, at which point she stopped them because my parents couldn't legally make her take them anymore. At one point during those years, she came after me with a pizza cutter because I said that the pizza didn't look thoroughly cooked. She also tried to run my mother over with a car.
When she was with the ex-husband as a teenager, the best friend she eventually slept with came over at some point. He was a little older than them. They were 16 and he was 20. I was 12. Best friend hit on me constantly, called me jailbait and trying to get my sister to let us date. Sister tried to set us up. I hid in my bedroom any time he came over.
When they got together after the cheating, I reminded her of this, and she said it never happened. I refused to allow him in my house because of this (and DH did as well, because of that and also because he doesn't condone cheating of any sort and already hated my sister anyway), and that caused a big stink with both my sister and my parents. My mom went so far as to call me and yell at me, telling me that they were my family, and I shouldn't listen to my DH. I told her that DH was my family now, not them, and even if he was the only one who didn't want the guy in the house, I would stand by HIM, not THEM. So she hung up on me.
I kept in contact with the ex-husband because he and I had always been close. I had known him for 7 or 8 years at that point, and he had always treated me well. My sister took issue with this, as well, and screamed at me at her boyfriend's daughter's (boyfriend has three kids by three different women at this point--well, two and one on the way at the time) birthday party and started crying, upsetting the little girl. I left and sat in the car (as I had ridden with my parents). I still have contact with the ex. We consider one another siblings, and I am close with his new wife and their children as well.
So after that, I didn't have any contact with my sister for several months, until she and scummy broke up and she moved in with my parents. She had scummy guy's baby, and my parents began raising her. I ended up having contact with her again, in part because I had to see her when I visited my parents and in part because I wanted to be in my niece's life. At one point, she told me that I should have kids and then give them to our parents to raise, like she did. Great mom.
So...I don't know. There's more, probably. Every time I was around her for many years, if I so much as looked at her, or said the wrong thing (even if I had no idea it was wrong), it turned into a screaming, crying debacle, and my parents would side with her and tell me that I shouldn't upset her.
My parents enable the fvck out of her. She's 27 and still lives with them (well, no, now she lives in a trailer they bought and put on their land). They constantly give her money. They've given her thousands of dollars for loans. I don't bother telling them to stop anymore because it also turns into a fight, and they hang up with me or tell me to leave. So I shut up to keep the peace.
Don't even get me started on my parents' marital problems and how they sucked me into that. Or get me started, if you want more drama.
ETA: stw, I know the jealousy makes no sense, really. Washington is probably where I want to go more than anywhere. I feel like I deserve to go there more than she does because I've worked for what I have, and she just keeps getting shitt handed to her. And that's stupid and petty, and I know that.
Either you say "no" and make everyone feel bad, or you say "Yes" and YOU feel bad - on YOUR birthday! I think everyone else can feel bad on your day.
Your sister may have changed, but she has not proven that to you yet. (I'm assuming that the bad blood is not b/c she is going to Washington before you do, and has a more significant reason!). EDIT: I posted before I read your backstory!
I would tell your mom "I"m sorry, but I really don't want to a celebration that includes sister. If that means we can't meet up, I understand."
I would "suck it up" for your mom or dad, but not for your birthday (EDIT: Knowing your history, I'm not sure I would "suck it up" for your parents, either! That they want you to hook up with the sister who came after you with a weapon and that they blamed you for her suicide shows your family is toxic and dysfunctional). Mom will keep on inviting your sister to your events as long as you demonstrate by your actions that it's ok. When you start saying no (politely, nicely, calmly), and are willing to forego a "day with gifts and dinner" in order to have a peaceful evening, they will catch on.
I called my mom and told her that she and my father were welcome to take me to dinner on Friday, but that I would not be going if my sister came. She tried to protest, and I told her that it was my birthday and I wasn't going to spend time with someone I don't want to be around.
Her response:
"Well, that's okay. She and Brooklynn (my niece. Great name!) can come up later and give you your present."
I told her that no, they couldn't. Because I don't want to see my sister. At all. That I will communicate with her if I have to when I am at my parents' house, but I will not see her otherwise. My mom then said, "Well, we already told her about the dinner." I told her to tell her that she wasn't invited, or that I was busy, or whatever she wanted to tell her, because I don't care as long as she doesn't come.
So now they don't want to come to the dinner, and Mom said she and Brooklynn wanted to come on Thursday (which is my actual birthday; I'm going out with DH and my best friend that night), and I reminded her that I was busy. So she's going to talk to Dad, or something, and they're going to maybe see me sometime, or whatever. And she tried to guilt me with my sister having purchased a gift for me, but I told her that I didn't care about the gift and she didn't have to give it to me.
This is the biggest issue my therapist and I work on. I know I need to get away from my family entirely, but I feel like I can't because I want to see Brooklynn grow up, for one, and I know I'd feel a lot of guilt if I cut them off.
I agree with you not cutting them off. I've noticed that people who have a reactive distance from their families react even more strongly to them when they're not around than they do when they are around, and that ends up reinforcing the status quo instead of changing it. What you need is to get to a point where you've pulled back emotionally, and you can't do that just by not seeing or talking to them (I do think it's smart to have any sort of distance, even a reactive one, to people who are dangerous).
Have you ever read Harriet Lerner's "dance" books, like The Dance of Anger and The Dance of Intimacy? They're not how-to self-help books, but they will get you thinking about how to truly change your own situation.
It's your party and you invite whomever you want to or you don't go.
If it was your mama's birthday, I'd say suck it up and go and excuse yourself as soon as it is reasonably polite to do so. But it's your birthday. Piss on all of them.
Click me, click me!
Me too, especially given your follow up.
I think you did a really great job setting and enforcing boundries! Keep it up!
Good.
stick to your guns!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I wouldn't go to dinner. You can celebrate your birthday your way, with the people that don't stress you out. You deserve a special day, and no drama.
Stick to your guns. Watch out that Brooklynn doesn't automatically mean Mommy. I have this feeling that your mom will try to sneak your sister in that way. If sister shows up then don't go!
God, I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
She was actually going to try this when I was in the psych hospital and they were coming to pick me up (I was two hours away. DH and my parents were coming to get me). I told DH that if they showed up with my sister that he had to tell them to go home and pick me up on his own, and I told them the same over the phone. Luckily, they listened.
If they show up with my sister, they go home. End of story.
Thanks.
It means a lot. You are all so supportive, and it helps a ton. Having people there makes it so much easier, and knowing that other people think I'm doing the right thing really makes me feel a lot better.
You should treat yourself! (((hugs)))
No.