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I officially hate holidays
Every year it's gotten worse and worse with my family insisting that we come to their house for every holiday and having no disregard for other plans we may have, the weather (my family is between 30 mins to over an hour away and don't care if it's icy or snowy) or sick kids.
My step-grandma is the worst. She has been so mean since Elsie was born. I was guilted into coming one year at Thanksgiving when Elsie was ill. Two years ago she hung up on me when I told her we would not be traveling in a blizzard for Christmas. This year she's taken to telling us and "expecting" us to be at Thanksgiving (this was written in our anniversary card, nice huh?). I've already not been calling her as often because of the phone call incident, dh was pissed because I was really hurt that she would want me to put my family in danger with the nasty weather conditions.
Dh doesn't want to leave his mom alone for the holiday's this year because it will the first without his dad around, which I completely understand. We've 99.9% of holidays gone to my family then his either the next day or later in the evening. His mom has always been so accomodating. How do I get my mom and grandma to understand that this year we need to be there for MIL? Can I even get them to understand?
Ugh, I hate holidays.
And you know what sucks even more? My sister is never expected to come to any of this crap, but if I don't go, it's the end of the world. Why is there such a double standard in my family?
Re: I officially hate holidays
Put your foot down and just do what is best for your family (that is, you, your husband, and your kids). This year, it seems that the best thing to do for your family is to support your husband in supporting his mom. You are right, the holidays are going to be very difficult for her.
I have learned this the hard way over the past several years, but I finally did it in the past month or so and I feel so much better. Don't let them make you feel guilty. Once you start taking charge and doing what you want to do, it will get easier.
Sorry
I feel the same way! My family is an hour away, and DH's is about 2 1/2 or so. In the last year or so I haven't been able to make many family functions on my side due to either working or the weather. We didn't make Christmas one year because we were snowed in our neighborhood, which evidently people don't think really happens. My family just quit inviting us, and I didn't find out until they posted something about getting together, and we didn't get an invite. I asked, and they said, "Seems like you have been too busy to come to anything lately, so we decided that you didn't want to be part of the family and weren't planning on inviting you.
I had to link them to our blog with pics of our neighborhood on Christmas day to get them to believe it, which I still don't think they did. I am too tired to fight about it anymore.
"Grandma, we will be spending the holidays with J's mother this year as it is the first without his father."
One sentence, no further explanation needed.
Sometimes you just have to let them be upset. I know it hurts and they can be mean about it, but they need to learn it's not all about them.
Honestly, if your family can't understand on their own why you would be with your MIL this year, then they're sort of beyond help. It's not your job to make them understand. Just inform them of how YOU will be spending the holidays and let them sort it out. If they get pissed, so what? You're doing what you know is right.
I'm so sorry they're treating you like this. What a load of crap. Don't let their behavior get you down, S. Enjoy the holidays with the people who treat you well!
I would tell them you will be spending the holiday with your MIL. The holidays will be rough for her and you really would like to be there to support her during this time and tell them that if she was in the same situation, you would want to be there for her during that time. If she can't accept it, so be it. Don't let others pressue you into anything. If they preach to you about being with family, tell them you are going to be with family...this year it will be with DHs family.
I would also decide as a family how you want to do holidays going forward. Now is the time to start new traditions with the big changes that occurred in your life. I know with S being born, we are changing how Christmas will be done and will be changing the other holidays a little as well.
With my dad passing and then dating/getting married, I have struggled emotionally over the years on how to handle family and holidays. I would feel we had to go to DHs family when deep down, I really just wanted to spend time with my family or I felt my family with getting jilted. And neither him nor his family put that pressure on me, I did. It still is hard for me because I didn't grow up going from house to house on holidays. We lived so far away from family that we just stayed home. Then every 2 years we would travel back to Cleveland and would shuttle from house to house visiting family. And the just relaxing at home as a family is what I miss the most.
Do what you want to do as a family. You and your husband need to be happy and not look back and regret not doing something. As my father always said, your first priority is your immediate family (ie. wife/husband and kids) then your extended family.
Keep it short, sweet and simple; I'd say exactly what Shannie said as well as add something to the extent of "Our doors are open all the other 364 days of the year." But, I'm mean like that.
H's family is very similar; we're expected to be at every.single.little.function but no one else is and they put holidays on some pedestal or something. I never understand why it's "sooooooooooo important" everyone gets together on Thanksgiving DAY or Christmas DAY when there are plenty of other days in the year. I get aggravated when we're expected to go 5 different locations in one day yet no one ever bothers to come to us - ever. That said, they are getting better at understanding we're just not going to be doing the running around anymore, especially now that we (I, mostly) want to enjoy our little, immediate family time. I mean, these kids aren't teenagers anymore; they're 30+. And you are, too, so just tell them how it's gonna be. They'll either CHOOSE to understand or they won't, but you can't keep accomodating everyone.
Hugs, Steph! (And sorry to add my vent in there.)
This exactly! We have the issue of last minute plans that we have to make way for. His parents are getting better as I have put my foot down and told them that if we have plans already then they are S. O.L.
You need to realize that you are in the right, they are in the wrong, but there is nothing you can do to make them see it that way. My ILs are the same way, and I just try to let it roll off my back. We didn't go to Thanksgiving last year with them, and we aren't going this year either. They won't budge on moving the day, even though none of them have anything else going on, and they all live in the same house. So, we go to my grandparents and enjoy the day knowing we don't have to split the day up, so we get to enjoy it more.
It's hard because it is personal, especially when it's family. But, just because they are family shouldn't give them the right to have control over you. Do what is best for you and DH, and to hell with the rest!
Have a few extra glasses of wine and enjoy your holiday without the stress of your family.