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Holiday Dilemma - long
I have no idea what to do about Christmas this year. Here is some backstory: I moved to MD in 2005. We have spent every.single Thanksgiving and Christmas with J's family in NJ. (My mom came to visit the first Christmas, and then was supposed to come the following Thanksgiving and then didn't. Long story short, it created a lot of hard feelings and although she promises to come out for every holiday, she always cancels beforehand.) Anyway.. I always told Justin as soon as we had a baby, it was very importnant for us to celebrate Christmas Eve/morning in our own house. I think it's important for Eli (and future children) to wake up in their beds knowing Santa came to their house. Plus I want to start some of our own (immediate) family traditions, instead of just going along with what ILs do. (I also know it would be Justin's parents throwing Christmas for my child(ren) instead of us (if that makes sense.)) (Plus how could we bring everything up there and pretend Santa brought it?)
So Justin agreed to this some time ago, and is still willing to go along with it even though he doesn't mind going up to NJ and spending the whole holiday up there. We agreed we would drive up Christmas day (3 hours) so we could see his grandparents as they probably wouldn't be able to make the trip down. We would also go over to his Aunt's house that evening and see the majority of the family. (J's mom usually hosts Christmas eve with her parents and FIL's brother and family.) We will also invite J's parents and sisters to come down and spend Christmas eve/morning at our house. (We will also invite my mom and her husband, but I don't know if they will come, but for different reasons.) If nobody comes, I know Justin will be upset that we stayed home.
So now the issue. We both know his mom is not going to take it well. Actually, I doubt his two sisters will take it well either. I feel like we/they have been lucky that we have been able to spend all of these holidays with them, and they should be understanding that it's time for us to start our own traditions. But I know that won't be what they are thinking. (Last Christmas they all mentioned at least once or twice how nice it will be having Eli up there next year on Christmas Eve. Oy.) I feel really guilty about hurting everyone's feelings, but I know it's important to at least plant the seed. So what should I do?
Should I put the guilt aside, talk to MIL about it and hope she understands and isn't too hurt? Should we bring it up and then "give in" this first year (since obv Eli won't remember it) and say we are definitely hosting next year? Should we bring it up now that we want to start next year? Ugh, I don't know what to do. So please decide for me. 
Re: Holiday Dilemma - long
geez, that WAS long!
ETA: And if you think I am being selfish, feel free to tell me; I won't be offended.
2012 Reading Challenge
hmm I think if it is really important to you then I think it might be good to tell them that next year you will definitely be hosting and give them your reasons.
here are my thoughts:
one of you should talk to her now about Christmas Eve/Christmas. I'd tell her you guys would like to celebrate at home with Eli and offer to have them over instead of you going to NJ. If you guys want to go to NJ the next day to see the rest of his family, I think this is a good plan.
Part of me says she'll just have to suck it up and deal with it - I think regardless of doing it this year or next, she still won't like it. Even if you agree to go this year and stay home next year, she may hope that you'll change your mind or something next year, so you might as well stick to your guns this year.
I know it won't be easy (I would be having this same dilemma if I was in your situation!), but I think it needs to be worked out! (and the sooner the better - she'll likely get over it, so you might as well rip the bandaid off now)!
We told people that as soon as we had kids Christmas would be happening at our house - we are lucky enough to have our families close by (mine are a hour and ricks are 2 mins.)
That being said I would stick to your guns, you have a family of your own now and no one should fault you for wanting to start your own traditions. Good luck and I hope your MIL understands.
Our plan is to tell her when she comes to visit the weekend after Halloween. We want to say something before Thanksgiving (as people are bound to say something about us coming for Christmas) and that way she can (hopefully) get over it by the holidays.
2012 Reading Challenge
this is a good plan. I should have clarified that by "now" I meant more like within the next few weeks!
I do not think you are being selfish at all. Sure Eli won't remember his 1st Christmas, but you will. And you'll have those memories and pictures forever of being in your house on your son's 1st Christmas.
I agree with Kara on this. If you give in this year and go there you're just postponing having to have the "talk" another year.
And honestly they need to accept that. To expect you to always be with them every single Christmas Eve/Day is nuts! You have another family and you need to establish your own little family.
We always said the same thing. Once we had children Christmas Morning will be in our own home. I feel the exact same way you do about them waking up in their own beds knowing Santa came. I also don't want to have to travel Christmas Day because I don't want them to open up all these great toys and gifts just to leave them for the day. I don't think it is fair.
Last year I know his family (mostly MIL) mentioned Christmas a couple of times, but even SIL told her that we had said all along once we have children we won't be going anywhere for Christmas morning. So it was nice to have her behind us. You definetly should stick to your guns now though. Giving in will just give them more ammo for the following years. Offer them alternatives (we always do the weekend before with my family and we still go Christmas Eve Day/evening to his family) and make them understand your reasons. You are not selfish at all. I mean, they must have changed some of their traditions when they had kids, right?
I would stick to your guns. Talk with your MIL and let her know how you feel. I think the family will be disappointed but they will get over it. Good luck with the conversation.
2012 Reading Challenge
Not that I'm going to say anything remarkably different from the others, but really you guys should stick to your guns. Sure she'll be upset, but hopefully she is understanding enough to get that you want your own traditions with your family.
I think the fact that you're still willing to go there on Christmas Day is a good compromise. I can't imagine going anywhere 3 hours away on a holiday, so more power to ya!
Anyway, really I just wanted to say I'm sorry you have to even deal with this. Holidays are nutty. We fight about it every other year, because I hate that we only spend Thanksgiving with my family every other year. We don't really do any other holidays with them as my family and I are Jewish. So we spend every Christmas with K's family. We've made an effort to get to VT at some point during Hannukah each year and now we host Passover annually - although my ILs all join us. I'm trying to get my parents to come down here for Christmas as they are always welcome and even though it is not their holiday, I think it would be nice to have them around. But I think they secretly enjoy skiing and having Chinese food with their other Jewish friends :-)
I hope you guys figure it out, and I also hope hubby is on board!! You for sure need a united front. And I would start with this year. That way, it's just always been this way since Eli made his arrival.
I'm 100% behind you. I got out of it this year b/c my MIL is coming to stay with us through the holidays, but as long as Cs grandpa is alive there's an expectation of going there for Christmas. Until last year when I went there, we'd never done Christmas together, and she's never been to my family's (granted, hers is much more fun).
We will be having Christmas at our house going forward, even if it means flying to StL at 8 am on Christmas morning in future years.
I am late on this but I agree:
-stick to your guns
-talk to MIL now (or soon).
-make sure J is on the same page (which I am sure he is) with you.
Bottom line-no one is going to like it but it has to be done. That is how traditions are started, by doing your own thing with your family.
I wonder if your MIL was in a similar situation when J was a baby. Maybe you can ask her and try to have her relate.
BTW-we are going through this situation. My SIL will more than likely be on bed rest at Christmas (she is considered high risk and her doc is requiring her to be on bed rest around 28 wks) and plus she wants to host in their new apartment. I will host for Thanksgiving. My MIL is not going to like on either end. My MIL believes everyone must come to her and that she is the center of attention. DH and SIL will be talking to their mom about this soon.
Thanks, ladies. J is definitely supportive and said he would stand by whatever I want to do. The problem is, he is also a big people-pleaser and I know it will get hard once he realizes how unhappy this could make everyone.
SIL (the one who is my age) can potentially be a pain through all of this. If she doesn't like it, she will push MIL to not come/talk us into coming up there and give J a hard time (who is a big softie). It also doesn't help that FIL is super allergic to Perry and can't stay in our house longer than one night.
Oh well. You are all right. I need to stick to my guns and realize that although it will be uncomfortable and hard to have the conversation this year, everyone will forget about it and it will just be the way we do things from now on. I may need another pep talk right before we talk to her!
2012 Reading Challenge
We will give you all the encouragement you need! You can do it!
I totally agree with Kara and Claire. You are not being unreasonable at all. This is something that is important to you and you are working to try to accommodate them as well.
Definitely talk to them sooner rather than later and stress how important it is to you. The first year might be hard, but once everyone gets used to it, it will be fine.
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Honestly, I would do what you want to do for your family (i.e. DH, you, and Eli) and by doing that you shouldn't have to listen to any crap from others. You are STILL going to see them over the holidays, but if you want Christmas Eve to be at your house for your kids, that's where it should be. I hate hearing stories like this where you are trying to be your own family and relatives end up being overbearing and taking your family time away from you or making you feel guilty for wanting to start your own traditions. Especially, when they'll still get a chance to enjoy the holiday with their nephew/grandson, etc. and are able to see him. It's selfish of them. You are NOT selfish for wanting to have your own traditions with your children and family. Just remember your feelings in this situation one day when Eli has a family of his own and wants to start his own traditions. K?