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Sometimes I wonder if I'm too cynical to be a parent.
One of the girls from my local (HI) bump board posted this on facebook today, and it left me wondering (seriously) what constitutes being a good parent and if this is it... I think I'm in a lot of trouble.
I had seriously huge knee jerk reactions in several places:
#3 - Seriously? You'll do better than your parents? I wonder how many generations of parents have said that line. 
#7 - Yes, positive reinforcement is good. No, it is not a guarantee of good behaviour.
#9 - "You can't control your children, and they won't do everything you say, but you can take comfort in the fact that they will eventually do everything you do." Uhm... I take it the writer hasn't parented a teen yet.
But on top of that, I find it fascinating/horrifying that the idea that if your child turns out to be a criminal, it's ultimately your fault. I've seen many good parents with troubled kids, and vice versa. We judge parents by their kids (I know I usually do), but that's not entirely fair, you know? Ultimately, kids make their choices, and you hope that you've given them the right tools to deal with those choices. They have the right not to pick up those tools and use them.
#4 - Finally: am I the only person out there who doesn't think it's bad to show your kids that you're upset? That, in the world, your actions cause an emotional reaction in others - and that you're ultimately responsible for that. Just imagine if all those teens who were bullying each other really understood what emotions those actions were causing.
So... right. Any thoughts? Someone want to talk me into buying what I'm reading?
Re: Sometimes I wonder if I'm too cynical to be a parent.
Hmm. Well, I didn't read the article as an instruction guide to being a perfect parent; the overall impression it left me with is, "Yes, parenting is hard, and no, you're not perfect, but stay positive and it'll turn out OK."
There are times when the sole driving force that gets you through the day is the hope that things will be better. Like, every night I go to bed crossing my fingers that Darian will sleep for at least 5 hours. I've read and tried lots of tips and techniques; maybe I'm doing it right, maybe not... but even if I do everything exactly right by the book, there's never any guarantee that the night will go well. And then he wakes up every 2 hours and I'm groggy all night and exhausted in the morning. Still, the next night, I go to bed and hope again for >5 hours of sleep. I don't know if that's the best example but anyway.
(V says "That's the definition of insanity." Parenting can be pretty self-delusional. LOL.)
I imagine that that kind of hope is what keeps parents of, say, drug addicts, going.
Regarding the specific points...
#3 - there is more INFORMATION available now and information is also much more accessible, but I don't think that automatically means that we are generally better parents than past generations. I think it's both easier and harder to be a parent these days. There are a lot more rules (guidelines) but also a lot more help.
#4 - I don't think it's bad to show your kids that you're upset, but I wouldn't want to say or do something out of line in the heat of the moment, especially when they're really young and absorbing and processing everything at face value. The lesson that you're describing is a great one and I'm sure there will be a time for it.
#7 & #9 - Like I said, I don't think there are any guarantees, but as a parent, you just have to keep hoping. It's never too late to start doing better. I think (hope) that that's all the author is trying to say.
So, I do get that as a teacher, you've had a lot of opportunity to develop your views on parenting, and I don't disagree with you that some of the points are maybe oversimplified. But to be honest it doesn't even matter anymore when you're just in survival mode. I don't think you're too cynical to be a parent, nor do I think you need to believe the entire article. Your perspective now will probably help you make certain parenting choices in the future. But realize that some of the cynicism might fly out the door and sometimes you might just need to force yourself to believe that everything will be OK no matter what's going wrong at that moment.
Baby #2: Surprise BFP 9.19.12, EDD 5.24.13, natural m/c 10.19.13 at 9w
Baby #2: Surprise BFP 9.19.12, EDD 5.24.13, natural m/c 10.19.13 at 9w
I find #3 offensive, also if you are saying that what she did in #9 then you are going to be as bad of a parent as your parents, because kids do everything their parents do. In regards to #7 you can't rescue your child from everything, sometimes they need to know what they did was wrong. Do you need to ridicule them? No. You learn a lot from natural consequences, be supportive and talk to your child about what happened.
I also think that I am 'cynical' when it comes to parenting. I deal with the kids that have had bad parents, and that is part of the reason that they are the way they are. I don't think it is being 'cynical' though I think of it as having a more realistic view of parenting. You know what can go wrong and you know what teens can be like, and they are not human some days.
I get that, I really do. It's how I get through teaching math class.
Survival is important.
Back in uni (the year I did post Japan/pre-teacher's college), I took a course on Canadian Women's history and we did a ton of work around the history science of mothering. Just think of all those high school and university classes women used to take! Maybe that's what's making me extra-cynical. The rules have changed in the past 150 years, but the way they deliver the advice is fundamentally the same (follow these easy steps and your child will turn out to be perfect). It's likely that in a generation, the rules we're supposed to follow will be deemed archaic and the cause of us screwing up our kids too.
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