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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Getting my daughter off to school in the morning-Advice needed
My daughter is 4 years old and she goes to pre-K 3 days a week. Every morning that she has to go to school is a constant struggle with my daughter. She doesn?t want to get up and when I finally get her up the getting dressed fiasco begins. I?ve tried the following and she still fights me on everything: --Earlier bedtime--- result: no change --Picking out an outfit the night before---result: she doesn?t want to wear it in the morning --Picking out three outfits for her to choose from the night before?result: she doesn?t want to wear any of them the following morning --Picking out three outfits in the morning for her to choose from---result: she won?t wear any of them --Asking her what color she would like to wear that day and choosing outfits with that color?she?ll choose one and then 5 minutes later decides she doesn?t want to wear it and takes it off --Picking out an outfit and telling her that?s it?that?s what she is wearing?result: turns into an even worse struggle and I don?t want to physically force the outfit on her?. I?ve tried giving her time outs for any tantrums she pulls but I don?t have time for that in the morning. I don?t want to have to get up even earlier just so that I have more time to deal with tantrums?.it just makes the issue worse because she just changes her mind more often. Any advice or ideas would be appreciated.
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Re: Getting my daughter off to school in the morning-Advice needed
What does she do the other days of the week? Does she sleep later, or is she still getting up at the same time?
Consistency is key. Monday through Friday, she needs to be getting up at the same time and getting dressed.
Give her 5 minutes in the morning to pick out what she wants to wear - talk it up like it's a big deal because she's a big girl who can pick out her own clothes. But after 5 minutes, you pick out her clothes and that's what she's wearing. If she throws a fit, she gets disciplined..........you'll need to make time to put her in the corner or what have you.
DS will be 4 next week. TV is a real treat for him, so our deal is that he is allowed to watch cartoons only after he is dressed and ready, and then he can watch them until I am ready to go as well. Any fits result in the TV being turned off immediately. If he oversleeps and misses his chance to watch TV, too bad. If he still throws a fit after the TV is turned off, he begins losing toys. But I'll tell you - we haven't had to take any toys away in a LONG time.......he knows the drill now.
I agree with this. N would stall when I tried to get her in the tub. It would get to be so late that she had to go straight to bed after her bath. Finally I told her that if she wants to play after her bath, she has to get in the tub when I tell her. Walla! Problem solved.
I agree with Maybride. You need to have the same routine every morning, even if she isn't going to school. Get up, get dressed, breakfast, every morning.
It's hard for little kids to wake up early if they normally sleep later. That's setting yourself up for failure.
You can also try a reward chart. Every morning she gets ready on time without a tantrum, she gets a sticker. When she gets x-number stickers, she gets a reward.
Ditto Maybride.
You're giving her too much power and she's playing you. She gets a finite amount of choices and a short time to decide. If she doesn't, you do.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Is the problem that she doesn't want to get out of bed or she doesn't want to go to school?
Does she have to get up significantly earlier these 3 days than she does the other 4 days of the week?
Does she wake up quickly? Or does she need a gradual process to wake up? Some children need more time to sit with juice or milk before jumping into the morning routine.
Or is she throwing tantrums because she doesn't want to go do the pre-K? Is she feeling mad or sad with anything going on there?
I have the same issue with my 5 y/o daughter sometimes and I agree with everyone above.
You definitely give her too much power. Pick out the outfit the night before so you are not struggling with that in the morning.
Reward system is great. If she gets ready on time let her watch cartoons until it is time to leave
I wake my daughter up 30 minutes before I really want her up. She goes to bed early enough the night before, she's just not a morning person. This way she is bright eyed by the time she needs to get ready
I would start withholding all fun things. Driving along, on the way home, she wants to stop somewhere? "No, I'm sorry. They don't allow little girls who throw tantrums in that store/to buy barbie dolls/to have ice cream". "No, they don't want children who throw tantrums at that party." "No, only little girls who can get themselves ready in the morning without screaming get to have XYZ". If she says "I can do better" or "I'll stop" say "that's not what I've seen. Show me better, and I'll reconsider". (words to that effect). Do not reward PROMISES from her of good behavior, only reward good behavior, and only after you've seen it consistently.
This should be random and frequent. Her behavior is not acceptable, and if she can't change it, she should lose those things she really wants.
I like natural consequences.
Would it be so bad if she went to school in her pajamas? Yes, YOU would feel bad, but as long as it's something school appropriate (covers her behind, not flimsy) tell her she has a choice - - putting on her clothes - NOW, or going in her pj's. (Now this might seem like a reward, but if you've every read Ramona, pj's are not so great after a full day at school). You might check with the school and pick something that can work as a school outfit (ie: shirt and leggings, not a nightgown).
Also, being late is not an option, so if she doesn't get dressed in time, she has whatever she likes for breakfast in the car. If she likes cereal, she doesn't get milk b/c that spills, so it's dry cereal. If it's frozen waffles, no syrup or butter and she eats it from the bowl.
Ditto no television until she is dressed and ready.
So, when you try one of these methods and she says, "NO -- I don't WANT to wear that green outfit anymore! I changed my mind!" What do you do?
If you allow her to negotiate with you at that point, if you allow her to wear anything other than that outfit, you're sending the message that she's in charge and that she can continue to get away with this nonsense. I'm guessing that's what you do.
Here's what you should do/say instead:
DD: NO -- I don't WANT to wear that green outfit anymore! I changed my mind!"
YOU: Well, I'm sorry you've changed your mind, but that outfit was your choice, big girl. I'll set the timer for 5 minutes. If you're dressed when the timer goes off, you can have/do __________________ (insert name of treat or privilege here). If you're not dressed I will have to help you get dressed like a baby.
Then leave the room and set the timer. Ignore her, even if she comes out of the bedroom and tries to provoke you. Don't respond to anything she does. If she's not dressed when the timer goes off, you'll have to get her dressed, and she doesn't get the treat or privilege. Be prepared to physically force her into her clothes. Do it as quickly and calmly as you can. She'll be upset, she'll struggle against you, and she'll probably scream and cry. Stay calm. Remind her that this was her choice, and that if she doesn't like being dressed like a baby, she can make a different choice tomorrow. This can be hard, but you'll only have to do this once or twice before she gets the message and chooses to dress herself, I promise.
Then, once she's dressed, don't hold the incident against her. She's dressed, which is what you want. Plaster a smile on your face, and in your best fresh-morning voice, say, "OK, now that you're dressed, let's have some breakfast!"
Do this exact routine for 5 days, and if she's still giving you problems, re-post on the "School Aged Children" board on The Bump, and I'll tell you what to do next.
Is it possible that she's being bothered by one of the kids? or does not like the teacher due to whatever reason?
If that's not the problem, try the good ole fashioned bribe system: give her something neat at the end of each week or each day when she doesn't fuss over what she wears, etc.
Try cheapie coloring books and crayons, things you can find for cheap.:)
I hate this every time I read it. You don't have to start from a place of nothing to reward good behavior.
Throwing tantrums does not merit sucking all the joy out of life. Have a tantrum, something goes away, not everything goes away. The consequence is immediate to the tantrum, not 4 hours or 2 days later.
lol I didn't use it for every discipline, hindsight. And yes, throwing a screaming raging fit at age four over getting dressed and eating breakfast is worth withdrawing all the fun of life till it stops. And it'll stop, pretty quick. A four year old knows precisely what she's doing.
Tell her that if she keeps arguing with you about the clothing issues the monsters that live under her bed will eat her in the middle of the night.
Bwahahahaaaaaaaaaa
lol
Let her pick out one outfit the night before and STICK WITH IT. Assuming your DD's school year just started in September, you've already gone through 5 methods of getting dressed. I'm guessing that this is actually making it worse.
I take he clothing downstairs at bedtime and she puts it on after breakfast. The fact that the clothes are downstairs makes the other clothes in her closet less tempting. However I do let her wear just about anything to school, even if it doesn't match as long as it is seasonally appropriate (want to wear shorts in winter? Sure, you just have to wear leggings underneath them). I have physically held her still and dressed her before - like pp said, just do it calmly, quickly and matter-of-fact. It's not pretty and no one wants to do it all the time, but some mornings are going to be bad.
For the last few years, DD went to school 3 days a week. This year for pre-k it's a 5 day program. OMG. I can not believe how much easier it is when it's every day. There's no question of is it a school day or a mommy day - it's just a thousand times easier. Just something to consider if 5 days is an option for you. If not, then definitely do the same morning routine all week even on at-home days.
I don't know if this would help while she's still throwing tantrums, but I just made DD a check list of things to do in the morning to get ready. She really likes going through a list and being able to check things off (got your shoes? "CHECK!" she yells) Anyway, I drew little pictures with the words so she can understand it - eat breakfast, go potty, wash hands and face, get dressed and shoes on, get hair fixed. She feels big for knowing what to do next and having a list of her own and I nag less.
Also, how early is she having to get up? Is time really tight? DD doesn't need to leave the house until 8:30. She wakes up at 6:30 on her own so there's time for cuddling, a cup of milk and a tv show before we start the morning routine. If she sleeps in until 7 we only have 1.5hr to get ready and those mornings can be rough unless she's feeling extremely cooperative. I think 1.5hr is the bare minimum time we need to get ready on a daily basis.
disclaimer.. I have not read any other replies!
I pick my battles in the morning. I have a bunch of ready to go meals made for these mornings. big batch of scrambled eggs/sausage/bacon whatever and microwave in a wrap with a bit of cheese, waffles with nutella, pancakes made in big batches and frozen. Basically, things that can be ate on the go. Even cereal in a baggie with a sippie of milk. Make a big batch of muffins on Sunday, let her help.
Clothes. More than once, I have dressed my kid while they slept, if he/she doesn't like it, if there is time, I may change something, Normally though, I have 2 outfits picked, 2 things completely different. Dd gets to choose. One or the other no other options unless she asks for something specific and it's weather appropriate.
My kids are horrible in the morning but little things make it easier. I've even had them brush their teeth in the car because they ate their breakfast on the way to school. They love it! For those mornings, I bring the training toothpaste and use very little so if they don't spit it's not too big a deal.
LOL thanks for the laugh!!! I might have to keep this in mind in a few years.
But I'm terrible like that.
You are way more nice than I would be. You've taken given choices to the whole other end of the spectrum. There is a difference between giving choices and allowing the child to exercise independence in thought and having a responsibility in making a decision ... and the illusion of that. You have illusion.
On a poster board or whatever crafty thing you want to use ... you should write up step by step what has to happen in the morning. Keep the steps clear and concise.
The evening before, you have a conversation with your child. Both of you should be calm and you should make sure there are no distractions for her so that you have her full attention (no tv or toys). Ask her if she likes having tantrums in the morning. Tell her you don't like it either. Tell her that from now on you will be following a morning routine. Explain to her what the consequence is if the routine is not followed (only you know what is a good and fair consequence).
You will select two outfits for her to select from in the morning. If she is not able to select her outfit in a specific time frame from those two outfits then you will select for her.
It is fine to give children choices/options but you have to make sure the boundary lines are still clear. Consequences. Consistency. You've created a monster in terms of having choices/options. It will take some time to change that. Expect that you will be doling out this consequence probably for the first couple of days. You will probably have to select her outfit and there will probably be a fit and then you will implement the consequence that you explained to her (whatever that is).
She will be on board soon ;-) But you have to be consistent and follow through. You can't change the rules every day and let her dictate what occurs next.