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MIL problem--advice needed
OK, so in all the time Steve and I have been together, I've never had a problem with his mother (he does). When we got married, she said she would never want to be a meddling MIL. Cool. Until last night.
This is the email I get:
After careful thought and a few shed tears, we have come to a decision. Since everyone else's family is more important and your father and I don't count for sh!t, we will not be celebrating birthdays, Thanksgiving or Christmas with anyone anymore. Instead Dad and I will try to get away or do something special by ourselves instead! Have a fun time at Thanksgiving with your new families.
WTF?? I hate passive-aggressive people. This pisses me off so much. I feel like she included me in the email because I'm "part of the problem."
Cake and coffee for you, it's early.
Re: MIL problem--advice needed
There are 2 ways of going about this:
1) Pander- tell her that his family is still important to you and explain your holiday planning/ visiting situation.
2) Tell them to enjoy their special time together and say you'll miss them at holidays and that they're more than welcome at your celebration if they change their mind.
I would go with #2, but understand that with some people, #1 is really a better tactic because they're looking for reassurance of their role in your lives.
Stand up for something you believe in.
That's the thing. I know she's fishing for the "Oh, we're so sorry, we'll do this and that," but her relationship with her children is so damaged, they may be totally fine with not seeing them.
I don't even know if Steve saw the email yet; he worked last night and is now sleeping. He's gonna be pissed.
Let me add also: She does not/can't cook. They go out to dinner for birthdays, Christmas and Thanksgiving. So yeah, I would rather be at home with a home-cooked meal, than in a packed restaurant where I will most likely have an anxiety attack and not be able to eat.
I think Mary's #2 is definitely the best option, but since it is your husband's mother, I think it is up to him on how to respond. Either way, that sucks though, sorry you have to deal with it. Maybe in the end, this will be better/easier for you guys!
I agree with kass....since it's your H's mom, I'd let him deal with it. Then you can't be "the bad guy", no matter what happens.
I mean obviously, I think you two should talk about it and what you both think the best response would be, but in the end I think he should be the only one responding to her email.
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I think this is the part that would bother me the most too. I have little enough patience for crybaby passive aggressive pity-inducing stuff like this anyway, but to feel like me and my family have been insulted would push me over the edge. Sorry you have to deal with this.
I'm sorry she said that to you all; it's always sad to me when kids have to act more mature than their parents, no matter how old the kids/parents are.
My IL's don't tell us the plans for holidays until 3 days before, even when we ask what the plan is far in advance; then my MIL gets upset when we've made other plans. We've never done Thanksgiving with them; it's always been Jay and I hosting or last year's exception where we went to our best friend's gathering because they were announcing to their families their pregnancy and they wanted us there for it. We got hell for it until Christmas. MIL asked Jay if we'd be there for Thanksgiving this year since no one more important had come up and he told her we'd be in FL with my Dad and then on our Disney vacation. She cried for half an hour about how unfair it is and Jay told her that Thanksgiving is not her holiday and that is that.
Sorry just went on a little rant there! Moral of the story, his mom = his problem to resolve. Talk it over and let him respond to his mother.
Thank you everyone for the advice. I've been seething all morning.
So Steve woke up and saw his email. He kind of snickered a bit, shook his head and said "well, if that's how she wants it, fine." He knows this game--he grew up with it. I told him how upset and angry I was, and he agreed I should be. I don't know if I can ever have a functional relationship with her now, since I know she feels this way. So I guess I have 2 less for Christmas dinner now, since I was going to invite them for our first holiday in our new place.
Oh, and he's not responding to the email. He said he can't think of anything to say to her.
I think this is good choice and she'll only have herself to be upset with when they don't have the memory of sharing a family in your new home. Maybe you can send them to Thanksgiving with my MIL so they won't feel so abandoned by their children with their other families!
updated 10.03.12