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Holiday Drams: Already!
So it's October, and we are off and running!
My ILs are extremely difficult and frankly, downright mean. I know that they don't care for me because I "took away" their baby. But you'll have to take my word for it....I have kept my mouth shut and smile, smile, smile. I know they blame me for my husband being less available to them, but I encourage him to spend time with them and I stay out of it. My husband is a sweet guy, and a good son and brother.
Last year, my ILs went on a big trip over Christmas without my H. Didn't invite him at all, even though we made it clear to them that we planned to spend Christmas with them. They also secretly invited his estranged best friend and his family (who has really done some crappy things to my H) to their house for Thanksgiving when we were visiting my family. All this added up to my H, for the first time in his life, telling them how upset he was and how much their behavior hurt him.
This year we are again spending Thanksgiving with my family and will be available to them for Christmas. However, we simply cannot leave town because of work and other issues. They are beginning to concoct a plan to go away for Christmas weekend...even though my H has told them that if they choose to do it that way, we can't come. And they have yet again planned a trip for just after Christmas that they haven't invited him to attend.
I have told my H that I am here from him, and whatever he wants to do for Christmas, I will do. But my heart breaks for him! Any advice or suggestions? I personally don't care to be around mean people like this, but I know he does 
UGH!
Re: Holiday Drams: Already!
It's time to start your own traditions --- have Christmas at your home; maybe invite neighbors, friends and coworkers and such who haven't got anywhere to spend the holiday.
It's also high time that you and he speak up about the treatment you say he has gotten: stand up for your rights, the both of you.
He and they have got to realize that your H and you are THE FAMILY --- that's what happens once you marry; you and he form a whole new family unit.
Also, i would perhaps suggest counseling for your DH. I think he may need some help learning how to deal w/ 2 people who you expect to care for him instead of trying to hurt him....
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It really sucks that they don't seem to care about him. Was this always the case when he was growing up, or did they only distance themselves from him once you guys got married?
Either way, I think it's important for him to remember that he DOES have people who love him unconditionally and that want to do things with him. He also needs to remember that just because these people are his relatives, it doesn't mean that he needs to spend time with them or even be friends with them. Sometimes family members don't get along ... it happens.
I can sympathize with you. It's heartbreaking to watch someone you love feel like their family just doesn't give a shiit about them. It's even more heartbreaking to watch them put a lot of effort into trying to "earn" their love. Your H needs to come to terms with the fact that he shouldn't have to jump through hoops to make his family like him. He should live his life how he sees fit, as long as he's not hurting anyone, and they can either be nice to him and share in his happiness, or they can stay out of his life and miss out on a lot of good things. Your H shouldn't have to make sacrifices or follow their every command in order to earn their love. That's not how being in a family works.
Ditto PP who said that a counselor might help.
Just keep doing what you're doing. Support your husband, and have his back when he stands up to him. Sounds like he doesn't need any help standing up to them, but it's hard when he's hurt by their behavior.
Eventually, they'll realize the consequences of their actions, which is a strained relationship with their "baby."
Some of these things sound really mean, and you need to distance yourself from toxic people. However, on the other hand....
Just because YOU cannot travel after Christmas, are you expecting his family to not make a trip? That is a really good time for some people to get away (work not busy, people have vacation, etc).
And why are you so concerned if they invited someone H didn't like to their home, when it was clear that you would not be there? If the bff's entire family was invited, they must have a relationship with the family, not just the friend.
I'm also curious why your family always "gets" Thanksgiving, when your ILS tend to go away for Christmas and it doesn't work for you to see them.
Remember, you can't control their actions. You can only control your own reactions.
So, stop expecting to spend Christmas with them on YOUR terms. Seems simple enough, and I'm honestly not seeing how these people are such horrible monsters for wanting to do things their way now.
You say that they're mean to you because you took their "baby"............but I see a couple who have raised their children and are now doing things their way; they don't have to do the "traditional" Christmas anymore, they can jump on a plane and go on vacation at Christmas if they want to! And honestly, more power to them.
If anyone here is mourning the fact that's he's not their "baby" anymore, it seems to be your husband. I'd be interested to know just what his parents do to make you think that they hate you and somehow want their grown son to be their baby again.
This. If his family is in town for Thanksgiving, seems like you could switch every other year so you could spend a holiday with his family.
1) why does your husband expect to be invited on his parent's holiday? Do you invite them on your holidays?
2) When you made it clear to them that you would spend christmas with them, did you tell them you were visiting with them (very rude IMO) or did you ask if it would suit them for you to visit and if they had other plans?
3) Why is it your business who they invite to their home when you are not visiting?
4) You simply cannot leave town and so they have to visit you? or they aren't allowed to leave town to do their own thing?
Your DHs parents are adults who are entitled to live their own life. Sure it's a nice idea to imagine that our parents will never change and will always be available to us to provide the traditions that suit us, but at the same time in no way expect us to alter our lives to fit in with their plans and schedules, but that's just plain selfish.
I didn't actually read anything that made me think your in-laws were horrible but rather adults living their own life, which is what you and your DH should be doing.