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He has no sex drive.
I've seen similar posts, but this is just my tale. I'm not married, but we're definitely planning on it...but there is this issue.
We've been together for about a year and a half, and have always wanted to get married. He's told me he's shooting for a little after the two-year mark to propose, and that's the perfect plan for me. (I'll be twenty-one by then, and who doesn't want to enjoy a glass of champagne at her wedding? 
)
For the first six months of our relationship, I was in school a thousand miles away. I came home to him fairly frequently, and we had great, amazing sex when I was home and great, amazing phone/Skype/text sex when I was at school. And a lot of it. As in, several times a week, and that was just how I liked it.
Since I've been back home (November 2010), it's dwindled. My father bought us a fantastic home and we moved in April of this year. The sex is down to about once or twice a month, and most of the time he comes within a couple of minutes or he can't come at all and he loses it. I'm lucky that I can orgasm just as fast, but then of course if we only make love for three minutes after three weeks, I end up feeling pretty crappy. Not to mention, sometimes this concept of not being wanted comes up in my head and I can't get it out. The fact is, is that I look at him and I still completely desire and want him, and that he doesn't really hurts.
So it's almost a year since this popped up. (Pun intended, for kicks ) We do talk about it. In fact, I bring it up fairly routinely (as I don't want it to become one of those "things" a couple never talks about). He's kind of danced around facing it. At first, he was on a medication for sleep that hurt his libido, and he went off of it pretty quickly. He kept telling me that it would change, that he was working on it. At one point he told me it's just how he is, he didn't see the point of having sex a lot, and that he thought he'd always been like this. And now, he's to the point where he's thinking about it a lot, he admits there was a change, and it does tear him up that he thinks he can't please me, but he's not really doing anything. He doesn't trust doctors and he wouldn't want to be pumped up with medication or hormones, and he hates the idea of talking to a therapist.
I'm not sure what to do. I love and adore him and would do almost anything for him. We really work otherwise; he's caring and responsible and, I know, loves me more than anything. He makes me smile and happy otherwise, and every single day I am so thankful for our relationship. Not only that, he's been through so much with me, holding my hand throughout anything I've had to deal with (and that's a lot). It can make me feel like a bad person, just because he's been so supportive every single time I've had an issue, and there's this one thing that I just can't seem to get past.
I don't want to pull an ultimatum. I don't even want to break up or anything. I don't want to be with anyone else. But this is a big deal, no matter how you look at it, and we've come up with nothing on how to conquer it. This worries me as we move further and further in our relationship. So....help?
Re: He has no sex drive.
I think the thing you need to ask yourself is: will you be happy for the rest of your life, with the way things are right now? Because he's pretty much letting you know that this is how he is. If he's not making a sincere effort to fix something that he KNOWS hurts you, he's telling you that in his mind, it's not important enough to fix. YOU are not important enough for him to try to fix this problem.
I understand that he's awesome in many other ways. But you know this can be a huge issue between married couples. And hell, you're not even *engaged* yet; it's way too soon to be having this problem.
You don't want to give him an ultimatum, that's fine. But be honest with yourself. His refusal to fix this problem is unlikely to be isolated to just sex. He hates the idea of therapy? That's a huge red flag right there. Think long and hard about whether or not you want to live like this for 40+ years.
He is showing and telling you who he is. Believe him.
Good luck to you.
~ The Nestie formally known as MrsBrittany ~
A million times this. Key questions to think about: Can you live this way the rest of your life and not resent him, especially the not resenting part? You have to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you, and if it is, there is nothing wrong with that! Truly, lack of sex or bad sex would be a dealbreaker for me, especially if my partner was unwilling to work at the issue. There are many couples who live a satisfying life with mismatched drives because both people are willing to work at making sure the other person's needs are met. Yours doesn't seem willing to make that effort
I think a bigger red flag is the fact that he knows this bothers you and is doing nothing to change it. Trust me, getting married and having a pretty princess day is not going to magically make this problem go away. How old is your bf? 21 is so young to get married, what is the rush? My husband and I got together at 21, but in no way were we ready to get married and we dated for 4 years before we got married. If it is right now, it will be right a year, 2 years, or 5 years from now. Live your life a little first, get your own place, live abroad, do something fun. I definitely would not even set a date for a wedding until this issue was resolved. I don't know what else to tell you because you seem so reluctant to make waves about this issue. All I can say is good luck.
The possibilities of what could be at hand here:
The relationship has come and gone; it is over
He's got a psychological issue
He has a physical issue (a doc needs to run tests to rule out problems with the plumbing, thyroid problems, cardiac problems, low testosterone level)
Passion -- and sex -- waxes and wanes. it is also normal for sex to diminish once you get out of the "infatuation" stage.
But for sex to end or grind to a near halt? Not normal.
What to do:
Get down to the root of the problem NOW. He needs to see a doc first and foremostly for a complete physical and find out if there's an organic reason for his problem -- it very well could be he's still very sexually inexperienced and there is also a psychological issue invloved.
he hates docs and doesn't want to go because he doesn't trust 'em?
Well, his overall health may be depending upon it!
If I were you, I would make his visiting a doc a MUST --- or the relationship is over.
I would tell him exactly that: that the relationship's continuance is contingent upon his seeing a doctor asap. And if he won't go, YOU go, right out the door.
If the relationship is over and he doesn't want to get married --- could be a possibility -- and if that is the case, he needs to man up and be honest with you. And if that is the case, cut your losses and go.
Is sex important to you?
Then you'd better get this issue resolved. it won't go away and marriage won't magically cure the issue.
It could also very well be that his impotence problems and his retarded ejaculation issues may be his way of saying "I do not want to get married."
First and foremostly you need to talk to him -- at lenght -- about every issue you described in your post.
He owes it to you to do something about it -- this means seeing a doc and this means seeing a sex therapist if nothing physical is the issue.
As for this:
At one point he told me it's just how he is, he didn't see the point of having sex a lot, and that he thought he'd always been like this. And now, he's to the point where he's thinking about it a lot, he admits there was a change, and it does tear him up that he thinks he can't please me, but he's not really doing anything.
It could mean "This is me the way I am right now and that's your future."
Not acceptable to you and sex is very important to you?
Move on.
And that he will not work on this with you shows me that he's not listening to you and he has no accord for how you feel.
Neither one of these indicators is positive.
Think about what I said --- talk first, at length, and he needs to see a doc. GL.
Sorry about the situation your in. Sounds like some pretty good advice in here.
Congrats on the new house.....!
I should have mentioned in my post: I've been there. I had similar problems with my husband, and it took over a year for him to actually get off his ass and talk to a doctor about it. He ended up needing the little blue pill, which worked most of the time.
But to be honest, the damage was mostly done. I was bitter and resentful, and he showed me through his inaction that our sex life wasn't very important to him. I pulled away from him in many ways, and we are now divorced.
I am now with a man who satisfies me in every way, and when a problem does come up, he's willing to talk about it and work on it with me.
~ The Nestie formally known as MrsBrittany ~
To me, that translates out to "you are not important to me."
Your H was supposed to meet you at least halfway to satisfy you. He didn't make the effort.
This is excellent advice.
Your dad was wrong for buying the both of you a house. It's like "Marriage comes next so here is a house....stol lot!"
This is putting further pressure on you and he to marry.
Huh? How in tarnation are you and he going to make payments on your own, for utilities at the very least? You still have to pay property taxes -- or is grand ole dad going to foot the bill for that, too?
Perhaps if he is already saying "this is how I am and this is how it is going to be" you can say goodbye right here. If sex is important to you, find a guy who feels the same way.
It is essential that you and he be on the same page with everything -- and that includes how you take care of your health. That he won't see a doc is disturbing; he's got an issue now and will not go; better to be a wise man and face the music; it's to his benefit and for his healthy.
And suppose he has another issue int he future and won't go? You're already having a battle royale now; what about later if something else happens? I don't think the squeeze is worth the juice on this one; you need a guy who is proactive about every aspect of his health.
It's not going to get better. It's going to get worse. If you can't live with this- move on.
This sounds harsh but I speak from experience. I've been having this fight for 2.5 years and it has yet to get better. My parents have been having this fight for 25 years and it hasn't gotten better. I would suggest moving on and finding someone with a similar libido, or staying with bf and buying a vibrator.
Considering you have a rocky relationship --- and yes you do have a rocky relationship because there is a problem and he will NOT do his part to fix it, so hence you are complaining, he is promising and zero is happening. So yeah, a rock y relationship --- why in the world did you agree to marry this guy???
WHy did you agree to marry him? Do you think the problem will go away by itself?
Engaged to him? No --- give back the ring and you tell him that the engagment will be back on WHEN he actively makes tracks to fix the problem you 2 are having in the bedroom.
Deadline to fix it and stay on track and if he won't follow thorough or he back pedals, you say goodbye. Simple as that.
If sex is important to you, find a guy who feels the same way about sex. Simple as that.
The problem I see here, that only one person has mentioned, is that you have effectively emasculated your boyfriend by having daddy buy you a house. From your post, he lost his desire once you got home from school. That tells me something too.
Is he from a different background where you work for what you want and only buy what you can afford? Men are the providers, and by having daddy provide hearth and home for both of you, you have taken away your boyfriends sense of purpose. He wants to protect you and provide for you, but what is his role when daddy is still doing that? He sees it as daddy saying here is a house, little boy, since you aren't capable of providing for my daughter. it isn't *his* house..it's your house, and your fathers house, and he just lives there. That would make any guy I know feel terrible about himself. He feels like he hasn't done a good job at life since he can't afford the mortgage. Does daddy pay all your bills? I have a feeling boyfriend hates that. He might see you as spoiled and princess-y. It has only been a year (the 6 months you were away at school don't count) and you are both still so young, now that you are home and with him all the time he might be seeing a side of you he didn't know was there and doesnt like...or he might simply be ready to move on and doesn't know how to tell you since he is living under your fathers roof (even though your father doesn't live there, it is still his roof).
He might also feel like the relationship moved too fast and now he's feeling the weight of your marriage expectations. To be living together after only 6 months (again, the 6 months at school don't count) when you are 20 years old is a *big* deal! Did you ask your boyfriend how he felt before you let daddy give you a house? I think his pride is hurt, his sense of masculinity is hurt, he's seeing you in a completely different light, and he doesn't desire you anymore, as harsh as that sounds. Maybe he's afraid you will keep asking for more and more, instead of being happy with what the two of you can provide together. Men don't like it when a female feels entitled to a certain lifestyle, especially when she isn't providing it for herself. he is probably afraid you will expect more from him financially than he is capable of giving. It really builds character and a certain appreciation when you pay all your own bills, even if all you can afford is a tiny little apartment in not the best part of town. Maybe he had fun playing house for awhile, moving in with you let him move out of his parents house, but now he's over it and wants to make own way. The fact that he doesn't want to fix the problem is speaking loud and clear. It's not normal for a 20 year old guy to not want a lot of sex.
I think it's a combo of only having dated for 6 months long distance before pushing the relationship into hyperdrive (I think he had fun sexting and getting to do his own thing while you were at school, and objects to the realities, expectations, responsibilities, and pressures of a real relationship now that you are home) and having your father buy you a house and moving in together when you had only been home for 6 months....He's flipping out. Think about it..your relationship was mostly centered around sex when you were at school for 6 months..and now you are home he isn't interested. Sounds like he is done with the relationship.
I wanted to respond because I am in a similar situation. I think all of the advice you've received so far has been really good and you should take it very seriously. However, I just wanted to provide another opinion to consider. My husband and I have been married a little over a year now, and were together about four years before we got married. We had a similar background--he graduated college a year before I did so we did the long-distance thing during my senior year. Our relationship included lots of sex when we saw each other during that year, but we saw each other infrequently. When we got an apartment together, I noticed his sex drive was much lower than mine, but I wouldn't necessarily say his had decreased because like I said, we didn't see each other too often that year. (We dated for half a year while we were both in college, but didn't have any sex then as I was not yet ready.)
Anyway, this was a concern for me, but it has worked out fine. Although we still don't have sex as often as I'd like, when ever we do, he is very eager to make me happy and the sex is very good. Also, I will admit that I masturbate more often now and I'm okay with that, too. Another thing that might help: try and initiate it yourself more often if you don't. I never used to do this--I thought that he should be the one coming on to me all the time and I didn't feel wanted/attractive if it didn't go that way. I don't know if you have the same feelings, but once I got over that, it was huge. If I put in the effort to get him interested in sex (which is NOT talking about how we should do it because we haven't in a while
he will almost always get into it too. I decided to marry him even though our sex-drives don't quite match because he is absolutely wonderful in so many other way that matter more to me. And although I wouldn't mind having more sex, I am satisfied with things as they are now. However, like previous posters have said, you should think hard about how important it is to you and if you think you'll eventually resent it. Finally, I think I am going to talk with husband sometime about some of the other things people have mentioned on here--I never asked him to see a doctor because I've never known anyone else with a similar issue and didn't know there might be a simple medical solution. So thanks for that advice, everyone. Perhaps sharing some of their experiences with your bf will make him less anxious about seeing a dr? Knowing that other people have the same issue and have actually been helped? Best of luck to you with your decision, I hope that things work out for the best, whichever way you decide that is.
Out of curiousity, what was the sleep medication for? Like Ambien because he has a hard time falling asleep? Has he ever had a sleep study? Does he act like he's depressed or have anxiety, any other issues?
Well, you said your father bought you two a house? How do you think he feels about living in a house that his girlfriend's father had to buy? If he's anything like most guys, he hates the fact that it's not his house and that he didn't buy it himself for you.
I would attribute his lack of sex drive to feeling like he is not a good provider. No grown man wants to live under someone else's roof, and when men feel incompetent they have zero sex drive. Not that you want to give up your house but I would bet that's what is going on.
Talk to him about it. Don't let him out of the conversation until he gives you a real answer. I'm betting it's the house but who knows, talk to him. Do not marry him at this point unless you are ok with it being like this forever.