I love a good "you don't know me post"

Last weekend my BIL and SIL and niece drove over to another city not too far from ours to see my FIL and the rest of the family, more BILs, and SIL. Everyone came, they took a bunch of pictures downtown which they posted on Facebook, and had a big family dinner with everyone - and they didnt invite us. My husband and I and our son were the only ones not there. I'm irritated by this. Of course I have not said anything. But I do think it was my brother in law who organized it and he's been jealous of any attention that we get, and I think that he purposely did not invite us.

What set me off is....

We have everyone over every year for 5 years running for Thanksgiving. This year, my FIL is bringing his new girlfriend and she is bringing her 2 kids. There will be 13 ppl total. Today the girlfriend emails me and says that her and my FIL are planning to come down to our house right before Thanksgiving to" close in our open porch on the back of the house and rent tables and chairs for everyone for the meal".

UMMMM....I have been holding Thanksgiving for 5 years now - I think this is increadibly rude of her and him to assume this is OK without at least ASKING! I am a freaking adult, hosting everyone. I had already planned on seating some ppl in the livingroom and some in the dinning room.

Also, now I am pissed and psycotically thinking that everyone planned this last weekend while we werent at the "family gathering". I need new inlaws. My family is in Michigan and wouldnt try to pull any of this crap.

Sorry / Rant Over. I think its PMS.

adoranora:

Today the girlfriend emails me and says that her and my FIL are planning to come down to our house right before Thanksgiving to" close in our open porch on the back of the house and rent tables and chairs for everyone for the meal".

HOWEVER, maybe this is time to open up talk about Thanksgiving. You say that you were going to seat some in the LR (and what would they eat on exactly?) and some in the DR. Yes, perhaps this was discussed last weekend and the consensus is that they would all like to sit together. But, as Thanksgiving seems to be "yours", they feel they can't speak up and/or no one else can offer to host it.

Regarding the family dinner, did you actually TALK to anyone about this? "Hey, the dinner looked like it was fun! We would've loved to have attended, you should've called us!" People aren't mind-readers. They may have thought you were busy or something. Politely let them know that you would be interested in a family dinner next time everyone is in town together, or offer to host/organize it yourself.

If BIL is truly not inviting you out of "jealousy," so what? It's really sad that a grown man would act that way, but even sadder that you are hung up on it. Laugh it off and let it go, and make plans with the rest of the family for another time if you want to see them so badly. If BIL is really going this to get your goat (which somehow I doubt), you're falling right into his trap by getting pissed over it. But don't go around making assumptions that he's "just jealous" of you, because frankly it makes you come across as self-absorbed.

Regarding FIL and his girlfriend, I'm not quite following the story here. Is your problem that FIL invited the girlfriend and her children to Thanksgiving without asking you? If that's the case ... if you don't have enough room, your husband needs to call FIL and say that there isn't room for that many people. But if the only issue here is that they invited themselves over and you would've invited them otherwise, then just let it go.

Or is the issue that she said you should host people on your porch rather than in the house? If so, it seems like you're taking this WAY too personally. Just say, "Great idea, but we usually host people indoors and it works better for us that way, so I think we're all set. Thank you for offering to rent chairs for us, though! The porch will be available all day, so maybe we can sit out there for coffee and pie after dinner."

I get the vibe that you're really overreacting here.

Yeah, you dont know my brother in law, you dont know my life, but thanks for all the assumptions you just made about me random internet person! Its called ranting.

They know we're interested in hanging out. I had invited everyone over the week prior and neither the FIL nor my SIL could make it, so one would think that they would have thought to invite us...my brother in law is the self absorbed one in the fam. He is the younger brother and everyone in the family bends over backwards to give him special attention because if he doesnt get it he throws a fit. After 10 yrs of being with my H I am used to it, but it does irritate me from time to time.

My problem with the FIL's girlfriend is that who, when invited to come to your house for the first time at thanksgiving, tells you that they are going to come over the week beforehand and close in your porch and rent tables and chairs when you're the one hosting the event!? Its wierd. Its rude. If you don't think so - then you're wierd and rude too.

Yeah, maybe they do feel that way - but I think asking would be better than just deciding that they're going to come down and take over my house. My H is going to call his dad tonight and say "what now, what?" and just ask what the heck they are thinking. I actually dont mind the help with planning, I guess I am just a stickler for manners.

adoranora:

Yeah, you dont know my brother in law, you dont know my life, but thanks for all the assumptions you just made about me random internet person! Its called ranting.

To your issue- yes, I think we ALL agree that your FIL and his GF just deciding to close in your porch w/o talking to you is rude. I don't think anyone is going to disagree.

But I think you and your DH need to approach this from a questioning standpoint instead of a defensive one.

I'm asking this as a genuine question, and I push you to be really, really honest w/ yourself - if someone from his family called you up and said "Hey, w/ the group up to 13 people, we feel your house is too small to accomodate everyone. ___ would like to host Thanksgiving this year" - what would your reaction be?

Would you be relieved and say "Oh, that's great. yeah, it would be a tight fit!", or would you be pissed and incensed that your home, while small, isn't deemed good enough?

I'm not defending how FIL and his GF handled this. At ALL. But there is something to your posts and your reactions here that make me feel that you're very defensive and reactionary and that his family might actually be a little "afraid" of you and don't know the best way to say "we want to all be able to eat together.".

So.... you have a choice. Stand on your soapbox of "manners" and don't back down and be angry and pissy w/ them, or step down and try to look at the bigger picture and ask your DH to TALK to his family about Thanksgiving and figure out if there is concern about you all hosting it. And see if something can be done that makes everyone happy.

adoranora:

Yeah, you dont know my brother in law, you dont know my life, but thanks for all the assumptions you just made about me random internet person! Its called ranting.

Um, duh?

Don't put info out here if you don't want someone to comment on it.

They know we're interested in hanging out. I had invited everyone over the week prior and neither the FIL nor my SIL could make it, so one would think that they would have thought to invite us...my brother in law is the self absorbed one in the fam. He is the younger brother and everyone in the family bends over backwards to give him special attention because if he doesnt get it he throws a fit. After 10 yrs of being with my H I am used to it, but it does irritate me from time to time.

Who did the inviting, BIL and SIL, or your parents-in-law?

As far as BIL "throwing a fit," then you just ignore him. By getting pissed off at him, he's getting exactly the attention that he wants.

My problem with the FIL's girlfriend is that who, when invited to come to your house for the first time at thanksgiving, tells you that they are going to come over the week beforehand and close in your porch and rent tables and chairs when you're the one hosting the event!? Its wierd. Its rude. If you don't think so - then you're wierd and rude too.

Um, so then you say, "Sorry but we won't be able to accommodate you before Thanksgiving. And we're all set for chairs, thanks! Come on Thanksgiving Day and bring your appetite and we'll have a great time." End of story.

It sounds like she may have just been trying to be helpful, especially if you are planning to seat people in two separate rooms for dinner. Maybe she just wanted to offer another solution so that everyone could sit together. If you don't like the idea of everyone sitting on the porch, that's fine, but you seem mighty offended by the suggestion.

I don't really find it "weird" (not wired) and "rude" if that was her intention. Did she say it in a nasty way or something? It sounds like she was just proposing an alternate solution. In which case you simply say "no thanks." I get why you don't appreciate someone else trying to make the plan, but you REALLY seem reluctant to give up control here. It's not like she's going to force her way into your house, hold a gun to your head and make you put the chairs out there. Chill out.

adoranora:

We have everyone over every year for 5 years running for Thanksgiving. This year, my FIL is bringing his new girlfriend and she is bringing her 2 kids. There will be 13 ppl total. Today the girlfriend emails me and says that her and my FIL are planning to come down to our house right before Thanksgiving to" close in our open porch on the back of the house and rent tables and chairs for everyone for the meal".

UMMMM....I have been holding Thanksgiving for 5 years now - I think this is increadibly rude of her and him to assume this is OK without at least ASKING! I am a freaking adult, hosting everyone. I had already planned on seating some ppl in the livingroom and some in the dinning room.

 

You have complete control over this situation. Your house, your say in what happens. I don't understand why you just don't say something like, "Thanks for the offer, but it won't be necessary as I've got it covered." and be done w/ it.

adoranora:

Yeah, you dont know my brother in law, you dont know my life, but thanks for all the assumptions you just made about me random internet person! Its called ranting.

 

 

Dear God woman, she was just trying to help you and give you something to think about. What is wrong with you ?

stw_77:

adoranora:

Yeah, you dont know my brother in law, you dont know my life, but thanks for all the assumptions you just made about me random internet person! Its called ranting.

 

 

 

Dear God woman, she was just trying to help you and give you something to think about. What is wrong with you ?

 

Instead of IRRrrr-i-Tated, it should say DRRrrr-a-Matic

I am chilled out, it was just a rant, thats why I went online instead of calling them up and expressing irritation - instead I ranted. I didnt think that a million strangers would try to analyze my situtation and tell me I was being controlling by thinking this was rude of her, and being sad about not being invited to an event with the rest of the family. Thanks for the advice.