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vent... long and hard to understand but i'm sad.
and this is oversharing.. i usually wouldn't put this all over anywhere but i need advice..
so when i was 11 my mom decided she couldn't take care of me anymore. i'm happy that she decided when i was still young. and that is one of the few things i'm thankful that she's done for me.
the same thing happened to my dad's brother's (myuncle) daughter, her mom decided to stop taking care of her too so my uncle has taken care of her for ever.
Me and my dad are straight and to the point, blunt. that is how we are. people are kinda intimidated... my uncle and cousin are really quiet. my uncle lives in the same town with my cousin as my gma.
My gma used to be like a mom to me and my cousin but when i was like 15, she stopped being how she was to me, nice and caring. She continued to treat my cousin the same way.. babied her.
So anyway, my gma started giving her gifts after our family gtg.. the next day my gma would give her a ton of gifts, she would tell my cousin to not tell me about anything she bought for her and keep everything a secret. me and my cousin are super close. so of course she isn't gonna lie to me. she never told me anything maliciously and mostly i'd be like, omg, where did you get that! and she'd tell me gma got it for her.
my cousin always said she wanted to be just like me, she's said that a few times and my gma told her "no you don't, sara has an attitude..." this is when i'm like 13, of course i have an attitude. but i'm a good person! (she's said other mean stuff but i try not to relive all of it, including talking about how lazy my husband is. which is NOT true at all.)
anyway, my cousin is preg. my gma constantly talks shiitt to my cousin and digs at everyone while looking like she is the sweetest person alive. so finally, she said something about my cousin's mothering potential, and my cousin was so hurt, that i told my grandma she's gotta stop. she's done it to me forever and i won't let her do it to me and my cousin and now my cousin's daughter.
SO, this happened a while ago, my gma said she appreciates me telling her, she never wanted to hurt us, and i thought we solved everything. i knew she was hurt but we have been for years.
My uncle text my cousin and says" are you gonna help gma figure out her new computer this weekend? she probably won't ask you because she doesn't want to get yelled at by sarack. gma is devastated and sarack included you in it all."
so i text my uncle and said, "gma isn't the only one who was devastated by this all. and it isn't fair to hang it over ayla's head. it also isn't fair for gma to tell me everything is fine and talk behind my back. i know you're just sad that she was hurt but i'll refrain from coming to any family events so no one is nervous that i'll yell at them. it's sad that sticking up for myself and a family member turns into this."
my uncle texts back and says "yep its all bullshittt"
UGH!
i know that i could have done things differently but my cousin has never felt like she is good enough for my gma because she puts her down. my gma also puts me down in the same sentence as saying i'm the best kid ever... it's nuts.
i don't know what to do.
any advice? if not, thanks for letting me vent.
we're having twins!
Re: vent... long and hard to understand but i'm sad.
I don't really have any advice....but I kind of share your pain. My gma is semi-similar to yours in that she is one to continually put people down and be veryyyyy judgy.
You've done more than really anyone in my family has in that you actually said something to her about her behavior....I think that's all you can really do. You have let her know how her ridiculous behavior makes you feel and she has chose to ignore your feelings (apparently including your uncle). I think at this point all you can do is just let it go and move on. It is what it is and it will probably never change....at least, that's how it is with my family.
Your grandma sounds passive aggressive. Maybe it has to do with how there is a lack of closeness I have with my paternal grandmother, but I say talk with your dad about your uncle (since he is his brother) and see what he thinks, and stay close with your cousin, but I would start severing ties with grandma. I just don't really have patience for people who don't treat others right. The best way I've found to make people realize they effed up is to avoid them - after a while they realize they haven't seen/heard from you for a while and wonder what's up. I think that speaks volumes more than actually talking, but of course you should try talking first (which it sounds like you did).
You could try to have a "family gathering" to clear things, but based on what you've said, do you think it would be useful or would your grandma pull the "playing the victim" card again?
Family fall photo session with Ashley Hoyle Photography
Married 7/10/10
Wedding Planning Bio - Updated 6/13/2010
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update: my uncle just wrote text me "i didn't text you please don't get involved when i'm talking to my daughter."
i really just want to respond with "then keep my business out of your conversations with anyone. thank you. have a nice day!"
this is the most drama i've really had in my life right now. my cousin is passed her due date and this is seriously the last thing she needs right now. i feel like a selfish assshole. i thought all this was over!
Family fall photo session with Ashley Hoyle Photography
Married 7/10/10
Wedding Planning Bio - Updated 6/13/2010
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i'd like to respond but i won't.
i would talk to my dad but he would probably call them and yell at them and i don't want that to happen. that woul dmake it worse. my cousin lives at home with her dad.. def don't want her to worry about that.
This. Or something like, "If you speak badly about me, I will retain my right to defend myself."
I'm really sorry. My mother has a habit of constantly sniping at me, although it was MUCH worse when I was younger. Finally in college, I had enough and I refused to speak to her for at least 4 months. It was the only way I could finally get through to her that I was sick of her vicious remarks. She still complains often that she has to "walk on egg shells around me," which in NORMAL people terms means be kind and polite, so I don't care if she feels like that.
I know it hurts and is disappointing, but you need to distance yourself from this woman. You don't need the drama. I know it's hard because she sounds like she pulls the same crap on your cousin, in which case...the best I can say is to counsel her to try and do the same and to be there for her.
Best sound ever: baby's heartbeat! (Heard @ 10w1d)
No true advice. I just wanted to say situations like this with family suck.
You uncle sounds about as lovely as your grandmother. If I were you I think I would only maintain the relationship with your cousin and let her know you have no desire to hear about the on goings of the rest of the family.
That is one of the issues with my g-ma. The last time I saw her...after about 5-6yrs (she lives in a diff state), the first comment she said to me was...."oh, looks like kinmir is starting to join the over-weights in the family"....REALLY?!?! This was also after I had just started on my weight loss journey and had already lost almost 20lbs....so that was my retort back to her.....she shut up quickly.
thank you. this is really helpful to me.
he usually is cool. but he does do the samestuff to my cousin as my gma does.. but yes, they are both liars and very manipulative.
Best sound ever: baby's heartbeat! (Heard @ 10w1d)