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How to let go of the anger?
I had a great relationship with my H's family before we were engaged. Once we got engaged his Mom completely changed. All of a sudden I became controlling of him, telling him what to do (he would get my imput on things before making plans for both of us), that I never wanted to be at their house, that I hated her, etc. When she gets on her rants of me hating her or just being a horrible DIL in turns into a family affair. She talks to her husband, my H's two brothers, they all talk to each other and so on. My husband and I decided a long time ago that it was his family and he would speak to them in situations like these. Anyways, we've had a handful of blowout issues, including me sitting her down over lunch to try to hash things out.
I'm frustrated because I feel like I've tried to be the good DIL but it's gone unnoticed or intentionally ignored. Now I feel myself tense up when we go visit them. I'm so uncomfortable at their house that I can't hide it. I realized at the last visit that I'm so angry with her for making my H feel like he has to choose between me and his Mom and everything else she dramatizes that I have a hard time making eye contact with her or initiating conversations with her. I don't want my relationship with his other family members to change because I can't stand his mom. So, how do I let go of my anger with her so that we can co-exist? I know my uncomfortablility at his parents' house might reaffirm her belief that I hate her, I'm in a vicious circle and want to get out, please help!
Re: How to let go of the anger?
You can't let go and co-exist if one person doesnt want the same thing. You need to have a sit down with her and talk it out. Your H should also be part of this.
I'd like to know his take on all of this.
I got off to a really, really rough start with my ILs too, so I do feel your pain. I think there are two things that helped me more than anything else. The first was having my H's support in matters. His opinion went from "Well, I hope we can all be friends," to, "MKESweetie is my family now, and if you all want to treat her like family, we'll continue to be around. If you don't want to, we won't be around. It's up to you."
Once they decided they'd be nice to me, lets face it - just to keep him coming around, I was all, "Hey! You don't get to just decide NOW that everything is ok, and we're going to be 'family'!" At the end of the day, though, I just DID get over it. I stopped thinking about it, stopped talking about it, stopped using the things that they had done/said to/about me as my trump card in all situations.
You are probably never, or at least not for awhile, going to feel 100% yourself around them (it's been almost three years, and I still don't), but you will find a new normal, a place where you can be somewhere between who you are with your family/friends and who you have been around them. You'll make it work because you love your H, and you want it to work for him. And they'll do the same I hope. But you have to decide that you're going to do it, and then just do.
Of course, this all assuming your H supports you. If he's jumping back and forth between the two sides, well.....that could be bad.
You're not obligated to be friends with your in-laws, and you CERTAINLY shouldn't be expected to have to sit there and take MIL's abuse. I'm amazed that your H still expects you to visit them and put on a happy face while she just talks shiit about you right in front of them.
What would you do if some random person on the street talked to you like this? Would you smile and nod and take it, or would you confront them/walk away and not associate with them anymore? Why should MIL be any different? She doesn't get a free pass to treat you like shiit just because she's a family member now.
If MIL's got no reason to be nasty to you, then your H should be stepping up and setting her straight. He needs to say, "Mom, you need to treat my wife with respect or else you will not be seeing us anymore." And then he needs to follow through with that promise, by getting up and leaving if she won't knock off the crap.
You're not forcing your husband to choose between the two of you. MIL is creating this problem by treating you poorly. You and your H are a family now, and he needs to put you first. If he can't do that, then you need to really sit down and consider if you want to live through the rest of your marriage as #2 behind Mommy.
Right now, I'm w/ mbc. I have a feeling this is a DH problem as much as it is an MIL problem. Why do you spend time w/ them if she treats you so horribly?!?
You say that you and your DH decided he would 'speak to them' in these situations, but what does that mean and DOES HE?!? It doesn't seem like it - or if he does speak up, it's not having any effect.
You're not going to be able to get past your anger until your DH is on your side - FULLY on your side in words AND actions - and the two of you are a team in dealing w/ his family. Once you can get to taht place, then I ditto MKEsweetie.
But I don't think you're at that place and until you are, you actually need to be pissed at your DH too because I REALLY don't think he's helping you out here.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm confused - did you "try to be the good DIL" BEFORE you had these problems, or AFTER? And were you expecting MIL to comment on how nice you were being? Would that have really made a difference to you? Are you upset b/c you don't feel you are treated "like one of the family?"
I can tell you from my own experience with DH's stepmom. I was ALWAYS a "good DIL" to her. She was not nice to me, although it helped that dh didnt like her, and really she was nasty to everyone, so I couldn't take it personally!
Try being "a good" PERSON, not for HER, so she will like you, but for YOU and for your DH. You are not required to like your MIL, or feel warmth towards her. You're only required to be polite.
I had one episode of cross words with StepMIL, and I regret it, not because of anything I said to her, but b/c I feel I lowered myself to her level. I'm not a member of the "kill them with kindness" mentality when someone is not nice to you, but I do believe in having pride and class for your own sake. Not for MILs.
And really, over time, your FIL and BILs (and other family members) will be able to form their own opinion of you. They may be swayed by MILs opinion now, but you are going to be with your H for YEARS. Also, try to spend time with your BILs outside of MILs presence - - invite them over to watch a football or basketball game, or over for bbq or for a "young persons" gtg. Having separate relationships with dh's family (aside from his stepmom) made a world of difference in my feeling better about myself (as in "hey, I don't get along with my StepMIL, but I get along with 3 BILs and 2 SILs").
Another suggestion: Fake it until you make it. It can work.
If she does treat you ok now... and it is just past issues that are hard to move on from, then I have a few suggestions.
1. Only go over there with definite plans, and an end time in mind, not just to hang out all day.
2. Think of a few innocuous conversation topics ahead of time, and have a goal to talk politely with her about those 2 things.
3. The rest of the time work on knitting or somesuch to keep you busy, and just listen to the conversation. No need to be a chatterbox the whole time! Or if you are eating a meal, offer to make you best putzy dish, and spend most of your time putzing in the kitchen. Or offer to take their dog out for a bit of exercise. etc.
My H has been very supportive of me during the problems with MIL. When we discuss an issue about her he feels like he has to defend her because otherwise it'd just be the two of us disagreeing with what she did/said. But he says he takes my side and verbalizes it as a united front from the both of us when he talks to her. I will admit that it's very hard to give up complete control to him to deal with the situation because I worry that he glosses over the point or boundary we're trying to establish because it's his mom and he doesn't want to hurt her. H is very supportive of me and trying to help me let go of the anger but he's much better at letting things roll of his back and not bother him that he's not as helpful as he'd like to be.
I did the good DIL things from the moment I met H's family. But his mom made a comment when we announced we were engaged that "she didn't know he was going to do that" and I'm not sure if that offended her or what but it was the start of family problems. I was completely blown away the first time she called H and cried and complained that I was controlling, didn't like her or like visiting H's family. MIL has never said anything about all of this to my face, but when she's having one of her dramatic fits it's like a family phone tree, she calls one BIL, then another BIL, she talks to her H, then to my H, then BIL calls H, and so on, phew.
H and I are so sick to death of talking about and arguing over the MIL situation. I'm still trying to be pleasant and respectful to her when we see H's family; but the anger over her ruining the visit for me (by me feeling uncomfortable before I'm even at their house) is consuming me. I put up a wall before we drive down their street when we go visit. I'm so angry with her that she's made this situation so uncomfortable for me that I can't make eye contact with her or initiate conversation with her. It's this anger that I want to learn how to let go of and get over. We're family for the rest of our lives and I want to know how I get over the anger so we can try to have a hopefully more positive relationship.
I do appreciate the suggestions about having a specified time length for a visit and consuming myself with another task during the visit so I don't have to be sitting and chatting with her the entire time, thank you.
Really, his mom seems over-dramatic and a tad manipulative. I'm sure she enjoyed being the "queen bee" in the boys' lives, and now she isn't anymore. She might never like you. Don't take it personally. I would like to add that it's not your fault that your H didn't clue her in on the proposal. I'll bet it's b/c he knew what her reaction would be - - or else he just has some healthy boundries and didn't give her a heads up on something that was between the two of you.
If BIL calls your H about how upset MIL is, your H needs to hang up the phone. His relationship with his mom is not his brother's business. And ditto if his mom calls in one of her "episodes." He needs to say "Mom, you are too emotional to have a conversation right now. Call me when you calm down so we can have a discussion." click!
When your MIL complains that you don't like her / don't like visiting her home, does your H say "mom, what WE don't like is the dramatics that happen the minute we step foot into the door (or the minute we walk out the door), and if they continue, you'll see a lot less of the two of us!"?
I also don't think it's too bad to cut down on the time your spend there. Send your H over without you. Yes, birthdays and holidays are a must, but if he is just going over to watch a sports game, you don't need to be there. I get along with a number of my ILS better because I only see them on major holidays!
you do see the common denominatior here correct? your H is your problem. he'd rather let it slide off of his back than stand up to her regarding his wife. that sucks and he's NOT on your side if he does that. of course you're sick of talking about it. you're still talking and arguing because your H CANT STAND UP TO HIS MOTHER!
The way to let go if this anger is to just not deal with it anymore. Say to yourself, "I'm not going to allow myself to be treated this way anymore" ... and then remove yourself from the situation. Whether that means just not visiting MIL anymore, or your H giving her an ultimatium. It doesn't make you a bad person or a bad DIL to avoid a situation where you're uncomfortable or being verbally abused.
Why would you care about losing a relationship with a woman who treats you so poorly? Why does your husband want to salvage a relationship with a mother who regularly talks smack on his wife?
More importantly, why is he putting the desires of a nasty, unreasonable, unsupportive woman (whose desire is to get rid of YOU and therefore make him, her own son, give up his own wife), ahead of the desires of his wife ... you, the person who's just trying to be nice and keep harmony and make sure he's happy? You're the one trying to make this all right, and yet YOU are somehow expected to be the one to just shut up and deal with it? You're the one who needs to take the abuse, instead of MIL being the one who should change or go away? How is that fair to you? You're the only one giving any effort to this situation ... MIL is just take, take, take, and your husband is just sitting back and allowing that to happen because he's afraid of her. MIL knows she's hurting you and her own son by treating you this way, and yet she just doesn't care and she continues to do it. And you're trying to keep the peace and be nice to everyone, but YOU are the one getting screwed here. Again, how is this fair?
You don't have to deal with this. Stand up for yourself and put an end to it.
I've been put in a sticky situation toom, and I have no clue how to deal with it...
My MIL and H have had/have a great relationship, although he knows how she can get. My MIL and I used to get along famously, but lately she has been making my skin crawl. It's not that she doesn't like me, heck she claims she picked me out as a DIL, my problem is she likes me too much. She wants to be involved in every little aspect of our lives. She basically is retired, and has nothing in her life going on but my H and I. All we do it seems like is work and sleep, so not really much to talk about for minor conversations. I'm just a quite person, and if I'm not working, I'm trying to organize the craizness in our lifve, and now that we have a little one on the way its even more hetic. and to make matters more complicated, about 2 months ago, she asked if she could move in with us, for reasons I wont go into.. mainly finacially cant afford where shes at. When she first brought this situation to our attention, she asked me to keep my eyes open if I come across a place for her to rent thats cheaper than he current place. So as time went on, rather then just settling and having her move in here, I would txt her with ads, or email them to her, and would offer to go and check them out with her. After a little of that, and not getting anywhere, although she asked for my help she wouldnt do anything with the leads I found, she txt me and said outta the blue: "Maybe I'll move to Tenn. I've always wanted to live somewhere where no one knows me, and I heard its cheaper up there. I'm talking to a real estate agent about it." WHAT! first of all we live in FL, and and if she can't afford where she's at now, how in the heck is she going to move outta state! My H and I got pissed, how dare she say that after the help we have tried to extend and then on top of that she stopped talking to up for days. Finally on the 3rd day she called my H crying and asked if she could come over. We tried to sit and talk like adults about this, but she started almost pinning us against each other by saying things like, "You two probably don't even talk to each other, she (talking about me) doesn't even want me around, and you ( my H) offer for me to move in" also went on to say " don't worry I wont be moving in, I wouldnt even feel comfortable here, plus with you two being newlyweds, you don't need your MIL living with you" I don't think its fare that she's putting us through a roller coaster of crap, cause she can't figure out what to do. ever since then things have been strained. After our blow out ( which ended fine, and we all agreed that if we had issues we would sit down and talk like adults) we had gone on vacation to see my H dad for a week. My MIL house sitted for us, with our 3 cats here, she had dropped us off at the airport, and was going to pick us up too, all in our vech. Well while we were up there, our flights back got canceled, and we had to fly into a city 2 hrs away, instead of 45 min. She refused to pick us up, it was too far of a drive, and after dark. Instead we had to rent a car, extra expence and hassle just to get home. Then turns out 1 of our cats ( my baby had her since shse was 5, she was my Gpa's) the next day after getting home from vac, wasnt doing well. We had to put her down. Although after talking with the vet, for a lengthly amount of time, he said this couldnt have been avoided. And with that peice of mind, i still have trouble letting go, that maybe there was something my MIL could have done, although i know her intention wouldnt be to do something like that. I have had a very hard time letting that go.
So since all that dust has settled, my MIl still is staying where she was. Asked again about 3 weeks ago, if she could come over and sit with us to talk about her possibly moving in with us. She has since asked to come over, or set up a time, or move out of that place. We have no idea whats going on with that, and are afraid to ask. She still comes over once in a while, but when she does I don't open up to her. I'm frustrated with her, the way she twists what I say, and takes things the wrong way, and the way she repsonds, its jsut wrong. My husband agrees with my frustration, his way of dealing with her is just saying thats the way she is, and moves on. I cant move on. Last time she was here, I had mentioned my mom just got out of the hosp. I hadnt told her when she went in 3 weeks prior, b/c I was having a hard time dealing with it, and didnt tell anyone except my H. Her responce was "oh thats good, I didnt know since you dont talk to me anymore", then later I was organizing our schedules with doc appts and classes, work and such and she brought up that we have a class coming up. I said yup we do, I told her that some of the dates changed, she asked for a new sch so she knows what were up to cause we dont talk to her like we used to.
GOSH I wonder why! she just drives me crazy. I dont know how to let things go that really bother me about her. I'm afraid if I sit down with her and tell her how I feel she will turn into her "wo is me" and like i'm attacking her. And if my H tries to tell her how I feel it wont get laid out as it is.
Holidays are coming up and I dont want things uncomfortable, but I dont want her all over me.
What do I do...
Hoo boy. Paragraphs, please. (And I would make your own thread rather than bringing another issue into this one.)
* If you don't want MIL moving in, just say no. Let her scream and cry if she wants, but just say no and then end the conversation. It's your home and your call.
* If she wants to move to Tennessee, that's her business. It's not your place to say that she can't or get mad at her for doing it. If she can't afford it then that's her problem, not yours. And it's not a personal slight against you that she asked for help in finding an apartment and then mentioned wanting to move out of state. You're taking that part entirely too personally.
* If you're frustrated that she's all up in your business, stop involving her in your life so much and stop giving her a schedule of your events.
* If she's not dependable enough to pick you up from the airport or watch your pets, don't ask her to do favors for you and then get pissy when she doesn't come through. (And I am truly sorry to hear about your cat, but it doesn't sound like MIL was at fault. Even the vet said so.)
She might be clingy and annoying, but it sounds like you are the one opening the door for her. Put some distance between yourselves.
H and I dealt with similar problems (in addition to some other problems as well) before we got married. They actually got worse after we got engaged and I left him until things were worked out. I knew there was no way I wanted to spend my life living/argueing like that. You say you dont want him to chose between you and his mom, but really he needs to because her behavior toward you isnt acceptable and he needs to make her learn to respect you and your feelings. You and him are a unit and any disrespect to you is disrepsect to him as well.
My MIL used to pull a lot of horrible crap and H would kinda just ignore it and try to please both of us because he didnt want anyone mad at him. Until I left him and he realized what he didnt want was to lose me. We went to counseling and it really helped both of us as individuals and us as a couple. The first time he truly stood up to her she wigged out, said it wasnt fair he was chosing my side over hers and that since shes his mother he should take her side. She actually said if he chooses me over her, she wouldnt want him around anymore. Well he called her bluff and he told her he chooses me and her behavior will stop immediately and that I was his family now so she'd better learn to respect that or she wouldnt be a part of our life by his choice. She threw a tantrum, tried to pull some more crap and we spent a while not seeing his family anymore, including a few holidays. Once she realized he meant it, she changed her attitude. Things arent perfect between her now and I still dont really like her, but she doesnt cause problems or treat me badly. My H set the boundaries and she learned that she has to follow them if she wants him around. Your H needs to do the same. You need to realize you deserve better and make your H REALLY stand up for you. You shouldnt be afraid to tell him he should be taking your side and not playing the middle man because your his wife. If he isnt willing to do so, he doesnt deserve you. I do suggest counseling, they really help both parties understand where eachother is coming from and that you really should be working together as one.
I really do appreciate the advice and suggestions. It sounds like many women have a strained, just-grin-and-bear-it type relationship with their MIL. A relationship of necessity so H can see his family even though MIL may not really care for the DIL. If that's what I have to learn to deal with I will, but long-term I see a problem with that.
I did not enjoy going to my grandma's house for holidays on my dad's side because there was obvious strain between my mom and my dad's mom. When I was old enough to pick up on this, as a child I took my mom side, and started feeling the same way when it was time to visit my dad's family. If I have this strained relationship with my MIL, I'm worried that my children will eventually dislike going to visit them out of loyalty for me, their mother.
I'd like to pretend like my MIL realizes that the worse she treats me, the more strained our relationship gets, the less of a quality relationship she'll have with her grandchildren. Does anyone have a strained relationship with their MIL but the grandchild-grandparent relationship is good? Maybe I'm being young and naive, just thoughts rolling around the old noggin.
I don't get why you seem intent on just putting up with her B.S., rather than telling her to knock it off. Or better yet, your H defending you.
I feel your pain. I am going through the same thing as you are. I just wrote a message re. my MIL. I am stomach sick thinking about the control she has over me and how worthless and small she made me feel while I planned to make a life with her son and how she overtook our wedding and made it hers.
My Mom and my friends have told me I need to set boundaries right away - especially before and children come along.
I am typically a reserved type of person but I do hold grudges. If you do to I would recommend you talk to a friend or someone else who has gone through this too. If that isn't possible phone a counsellor type person to talk. You/ I cannot let this woman interfere with your new life. She may be the mommy but we are the wives.
good luck!