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Please help (Ojo especially)
My sister has lost her mind and I need help reasoning with her. Sorry in advance for the long post, but I'll try to summarize as much as possible. Skip to the bolded part at the end if you need to. 
She and her husband are dual military--she's an Army Reserve officer and he just finished ROTC. Before that, they were both NG. They have a 2-year-old daughter, T. When my niece was only a few days old, I sat holding her in their living room as they asked if M and I would watch T if/when they had to be gone at the same time. The first "when" has officially come. Beginning in January, my sister and her husband have training that overlaps for slightly over two months.
Of course, the timing is a bit off since I just barely had a baby. Still, both M and I still feel totally willing and able to have T here with us. (After all, we plan on having multiple kids eventually so we might as well get used to it now, and we would have plenty of support if we needed help.) On the other hand, my parents really want T with them and I think that would probably be the absolute best situation. However, I know my sister and her husband have always been a bit apprehensive about that idea since I have a sick younger sister and a teenage brother who is a great kid but likes to talk back occasionally. (Both situations have gotten better but I don't think her husband is convinced of that.)
I talked to my sister this morning, and she revealed before rushing off the phone that they aren't even considering M and I because of the baby. When I starting listing off why it would be okay, she then said that they also have to make arrangements for the house and pets. I acknowledged that but pointed out that T doesn't have to stay with the dog and cat, to which she responded: "Well, they're kind of a package deal at this point." (?!) Turns out, their big master plan is to have a single 21-year-old girl that they know (but aren't super close to) watch the house, pets, and their daughter for those 2.5 months. This girl is saving up to serve a Mormon mission and they'll pay her a little bit each week to help.
Um. Since when is a baby girl a "package deal" with your pets and plants? "Oh, we're just paying this girl to feed our dog, watch our daughter and water our plants." Is there not something way off with that sentence? I LOVE kids and worked as a nanny for the sweetest little 2-year-old when I was 19. Let me tell you, I loved that girl. But at the end of the work day, I needed a break (obviously). Someone else's kid is just not the same as your own blood. And they can't possibly pay random girl enough money to make her feel like it's worth it when T is throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of the night and random girl hasn't had a minute to herself in over a month. Throwing a 21-year-old into single parenthood of an unrelated toddler that misses her parents for 2.5 months is stupid for many reasons that I really don't need to elaborate on.
Which brings me to my point: I need to help my sister see that. I know that it's my sister's decision in the end, of course, but I want to make sure she really knows what she's getting into (trust me, she doesn't. And neither does that random girl who's never been a nanny or worked with kids or anything like it).
So, do any of you know how things like this work from the military/legal side? (Ojo?) For example, will she have to give temporary guardianship to random girl/whoever watches T for those 2.5 months? How will that work with seeing doctors if T gets sick? They don't live on or near a base. Is there anything I'm not thinking of from a practical standpoint that I should know/my sister should know?
Re: Please help (Ojo especially)
Wow. I can't really speak to the legal part, but I assume that technically, she's free to choose whomever she likes. I guess this would be part of their Family Care Plan, yes? Which I assume they have to change now since you and M were probably listed there.
But, as to getting her to see that her plan is ill-advised, would she listen to your parents? If not, is it practical to suggest that she do a trial-run with this girl over a weekend so everyone involved can see that it's not the brightest idea?
On the other hand, a friend of mine once did a similar thing when he was 23ish (I can't remember exactly). A single mom we knew, whose livelihood entailed showing horses, had to go to Florida for two months to do something horse-related and hired my friend to move in with her son to take care of him and the house. It worked out great and my friend and the kid still hang out together sometimes.
Anecdote aside, I agree that family is best. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Gotcha. Thanks for responding so quickly!
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Correct. And I think I'm the best bet if anyone can talk her out of it (she's a soccer coach and had to run to practice the second after she told me her genius plan). She's very stubborn and is more receptive to me than my parents in general. Plus, my parents don't want to upset her and make her opt out of our big Thanksgiving family vacation.
Also, thanks for the anecdote. On one hand, it's comforting to hear of good situations like this. On the other hand, I would maybe rather hear horror stories haha.
To be honest, I think part of my sister's reasoning is that she hates traveling with her daughter and it's therefore just easier to keep her in VA. It's the "it's just easier" attitude that bothers me. If she really felt in her heart of hearts that random girl was better, then so be it, but that's not the vibe I'm getting from my sister. We'll offer to fly out to pick up and drop off T and see if that helps sway her. I would walk across the country and carry that child back to California in a handcart if necessary.
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Exactly my thoughts! Apparently this girl is a great girl and all, but you just never know. In fact, that girl herself probably has no idea how she'll handle those situations.
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I believe it. I'm sure my sister thinks it will be "just fine," though. Ugh. We have a phone date tomorrow so I'll have to let you know how that goes. I'll definitely refer her to that study. While this random girl means well, I'm sure most of those young moms also never thought they'd hurt their little babies. It's better safe than sorry and I'd so much rather see my niece with a random girl who has already proven her salt (and that she can keep her cool) with kids, either through mommy- or nanny-hood.
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I hope you are able to prevail upon your sister. Caring for a two year old, as well as a home and pets is, IMO, too much to ask of a 21 year old. And, acting as a SAHM, even for 2.5 months, is isolating. I would fear for both T and her caregiver. Good luck and keep us posted!
Thanks so much for your perspective! I know it wasn't easy for my sis when her H was at LDAC. She seems to have forgotten, and you just reminded me to remind her.
T isn't in daycare so yes, it's definitely crazy.
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I understand they want to help that girl out so it seems like a mutually agreeable situation. I just don't buy the package deal excuse and there's no logical reason to want to place their entire lives (think about it, house, pets and daughter) in the hands of one young lady for ~74 days. Do they have a detailed plan of how she is supposed to handle the financial parts? I'm assuming they're leaving her a certain amount to cover any costs that may be incurred.
So much could happen, does that girl have a good support system? Is she willing to ask for help when needed?
Google some news stories, not just statistics. I know there have been a couple lately regarding babysitters, and just regular ones at that. Not even 24/7 ones.
I mean, it could turn out fine. Personally I'd much rather see the daughter go with family and have someone local care for the house and the pets.
Lastly. Either way and no matter what, they gotta have a back up person. So who would be the backup in case something happens to that girl?
I don't have children but I kinda understand where she is coming from with the whole package deal.
I'm NOT NOT NOT saying this 21 year old is a good option: not saying that at all. BUT, I also can see her feeling as though mom and dad are both away from her so at least the dog with her will be somewhat normal, especially if they bond between dog and child is strong.
Is there anyway your parents could take her daughter AND the dog?
Once again, I'm in no way saying this 21 year old is a good idea but I can understand her wanting to keep the daughter with the dog.
I don't have children but it's obvious this is a BAD idea.
When I moved away for college and my parents would go out of town they would have my best friend (in her early 20s) housesit, and watch the dog....but that was for a week, maybe two at a time. And their was no small child there. And they knew her.
If your sis and H want to help this girl, great. I'm sure she can house sit and and watch the pets for 2.5 months no problem.
But non a two year old. She should be with family. Or someone like family....like ridiculously close friends. But not a young girl who isn't related and has no care exp (I didn't see if she did or not...but either way!)
Let us know how it goes.