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Are my instincts right?
Everyone is born for a reason right? I can't help but feel bitter sometimes towards my parents. When they were together and had me and my sister they were in their early thirties. Then my father dumps my mother while she's pregnant with me for my step-mom. My birth mother takes off soon after I'm born, leaving me and my sister with family who really couldn't afford us. Five in a half years later, my sister and I move in with father and his family. Prior to that I had only met him once. He now has two kids and a wife (the woman he picked over my mom). My father doesn't explain anything to us other than our mother was a piece of crap and didn't care about us. He refuses to acknowledge his faults and squarely blames the split up on her but never gives details. I knew my step mom didn't like me at first but at the time I couldn't understand why. She would make comments such as "I don't care what you do, you're not my kid," or say to my dad "she's your kid, not mine; she's slow; she's stupid." There was other stuff said as well. Then I had to deal with her sister who definitely didn't like me and my father knew it. In fact, when I was young he didn't like her and would tell my step-mom to tell her to stop picking on me. I don't know what she had against me, I never did anything to her. I hated being around her. But when my dad was present she would treat me nicely, pretend like she liked me. However, my dad worked very long hours and would often come home at 9 or 10 p.m. which by that time I'd be asleep. He really didn't see what went on in our house.
I only mention my step-mom's sister because I've been wondering something about her. My dad once told me out of the blue (when I was around 12) that when he and step-mom began dating, her sister didn't like him. I suppose she didn't trust him and I'm pretty sure she knew he was still with my mom. The next thing he said really shocked me. He told me that step-mom got pregnant and her sister convinced her to have an abortion. I don't know why my father told me this other than he was angry at her. He always had something against that woman, always talked bad about her behind her back. Anyways, sometimes I wonder if both step-mom and her sister's dislike for me had something to do with that abortion. My step-mom had my half-sister about 1 1/2 years after I was born. I'm pretty sure that means that step-mom got pregnant and had the abortion at the same time my mother must have been pregnant with me. There was a reason why she was pressured not to have that baby and I really think it had to do with dad still being in a relationship with my mom.
So I wonder if they mistreated me because I brought back bad memories? Basically, I was my dad's shame child and I'm thinking my existence caused problems between my dad and step-mom. I guess I was conceived at the wrong time- I know I was an accident. So, I'm certain that my dad's dislike for step-mom's sister is because she didn't like him (which I can understand why) and because she pressured her sister not to have the baby. What I don't understand is why she had to be so hostile towards me? Why was she in their business in the first place? She once got angry at me and told me to mind my own business, that I was being nosy because she wasn't talking to me. Is that how you talk to a 6 year old? I remember her tone of voice and I can't imagine how she would have the nerve to say that in my father's house and to a child she had no relation to. Since at the time I could not speak English, she got upset when I would speak in Spanish to my half-sister. We were a blended family (my father is hispanic, step-mom is American). She would tell me there was no speaking in my language in her presence.I think she thought I was talking about her (which I was not) and she wanted to know exactly what I was saying to my sister.
It just seems like my dad took me in out of guilt and had other people raising me that really didn't care about me. Yeah, over time things got better but I still don't really feel like I fit into the family. I get along with them but till this day step-mom's sister doesn't like me. I can tell by her body language that she really doesn't care for me. I suppose the feeling is mutual but if she wouldn't have mistreated me, I don't think I'd have any hard feelings towards her. I hate to admit this but I'm angry at my dad because he ignored everything and never confronted her. When I was 12 she actually moved in with us. Can you believe that? This woman hated my father and when he fixed our basement up she had the nerve to ask him if she could move in because she couldn't afford living on her own anymore? I remember he was upset because he had planned on the four of us kids having our own rooms. For some reason, he couldn't tell her no. As a teenager, my step-mom used to scream at me (as you can imagine there were a lot of problems between me and her). One time she pulled my hair, threw me on the floor, and started hitting me with a broom. My biological sister came to my defense but step-mom's sister intervened and told my sister that it was my fault and that I caused it.
I'm married now and have moved away from my home state (very far) but I don't feel welcomed. My dad and I have fought in the past and when I was visiting one time he threw me out the day after Christmas. I walked to a hotel with my son and then step-mom's sister came and dumped all my belongings in the lobby (dad told her to). I don't think I could ever do that to anyone. Aside from what I've talked about the most hurtful part is that my dad keeps pressuring me about settling down and buying a house. The problem is my husband is in the military and we just don't want the responsibility of buying one yet, especially with us moving around so much. We are content with just renting. Every time I talk to him he is critical of our lifestyle. I'm sorry but the military is our life and without it we'd be in limbo. If husband got out, where would we go if we needed help transitioning from the military back into the civilian world? Dad doesn't have any room for us but he is the one who is telling us to get out of the military. My 27 year old sister still lives at home, I don't hear him pressuring her to get married and move out. He's leaving the family business to my brother. Step-mom doesn't work and her sister lives in my father's basement. He doesn't have room for me in his house yet he wants us to get out of the military and thinks it would just be that easy to find a job and buy a house. He treats my biological sister the same way. My instinct tells me he doesn't really care for me the way a father should. Why else would my entire step family (who are all now grown adults) be given a free ride and I'm left to fend for myself? What right does he have to criticize my lifestyle when I've never asked him for money or help? When he dies, I know I'll be able to survive. But since my brother will take over the business, he'll have to continue to provide for my step-mom (his mother), step-mom's sister, as well as his sister. So basically the entire family has it made and they get a free ride in life because of my father. Good luck on him finding a wife that will accept this. I can't help but think "what about me?" He can plan out everything for them and allow step-mom's sister to live in basement for free and yet not give me the one thing I need from him, which is love and support? That's all I want from him, nothing else. If anything can't he just shut his mouth and give me some respect for not having to depend on him???? I never used to feel this way but once I moved I started seeing things in a different light. He did the moral thing which is to financially support me and then when I reached adulthood, he threw me away like a piece of garbage. I moved out at 19 because I felt unwanted there by step-mom and her sister and felt inferior to my half siblings. I truly feel he has thrown me under the bus. Am I right to feel like this?
Re: Are my instincts right?
Good grief! What a saga.
In short: Yes, your instincts are right. Your dad's an azzhat. Your mom and stepmom are as well. I'm sorry you had such crappy parents. I hope you have access to resources such as counseling and support so that you don't continue the cycle with your own kids.
I've read several of your other posts, and I think you need to accept that your dad is just not a good person and he is never going to give you the love and support that every parent should give his or her children. It's not your fault that he's treated you so horribly- you certainly didn't do anything to deserve it- but there is nothing that you can do to make him be a better person and have a good relationship with him. I really think the best thing you can do for yourself and your family at this point is to cut him out of your life.
And I've said this before, probably to every single one of your posts here: you need to get some counseling. That's not a criticism of you, it's just that you've been through a lot in your life, and you've been let down and hurt by people who were supposed to love you (not just your dad), and you need to figure out how to deal with that in a positive way.
I'm just a lurker here but I read the whole post and all I wanted to do was reenact that scene from Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams repeats "It's not your fault" over and over until Matt Damon finally gets it.
Sweetie, this is not your fault. Many years ago you were a pawn in a game and I'm so sorry for you. Get counseling, put emotional distance (and I recommend physical distance too) between you and this boatload of human refuse that is your father, step-mom and step-aunt. Cut off the step-brothers and sisters if need be too.
This is said all.the.time on TN but it's true - people treat you the way you allow them to treat you. You couldn't make them treat you right when you were a child but now that you are an adult you need to stop allowing them to hurt you. This man is never going to give you want you want - he'll never give you love and support - you have to stop allowing him to hurt you.
It's not your fault.
Wow. ((HUGS))
So much of your story could have been written by my H or his sister (aside from the stepmom's sister part). It is NOT your fault! To this day, dh's stepmom is a nasty, evil beast. She cannot be nice to anybody, not even the aides in the hospital. She's just a bad person. She is also very stupid, and jealous of FILs children by his first marriage (dh's mother passed, but stepMIL was his mistress while she was sick in the hospital). DH's father did not stand up for his kids while they were mistreated, and I think less of him for that.
I think you should seek counseling and find a way to cut your dad from your life. DH did this, and it was SUCH a good move for him. If he were not your father, would you have a relationship with someone who not only threw you out of his house, but your YOUNG SON?!?!? Your son deserves people in his life who treat him better.
I would focus on surrounding yourself with people who love and care about you, not those who are related to you by blood or marriage.
None of this is your fault. I do agree with the other pp's who suggested you go to counseling. Since your dh is military, it's free. If you're not sure where to call, contact Military One Source. www.militaryonesource.com It's completely confidential and they are a wonderful source to use to get you pointed in the right direction.
Here's my take....you were not a "shame child" and they aren't disliking you because of any abortion. At least not in the way you are framing it, I think. From what I'm reading - and I realize you can only share your perspective - here's what I see....
You were not welcome by the step mother because you were not her child, plain and simple. You were a reminder, a constant reminder, that she whored around with a married man. With you and your sibling under her roof, she could no longer present to this world a picture perfect image of a relationship with your father.
Your mother may have been a real hard thing to handle. Your father said that she was not a good mother...but you know what? He hit the road *first* without you guys in tow, and he was the one that had an affair...which certainly didn't help issues in his marriage. A real man doesn't do that. Sorry, they just don't. They stick with it and get help for the family or if the mother isn't capable he makes sure the children are cared for.
For whatever reason your mom took off...two kids that young, discovering that you've been betrayed that deeply (she may have even known about the other woman's pregnancy at the same time she was carrying you) it may have been too much. And she couldn't emotionally take it for whatever reason...but it was her family NOT your father's who did their best to rescue you. The fact that they couldn't continue is sad, and that your father remained pretty much a present in name only kind of dad once you were under his roof is shameful.
The aunt not caring for you is because she has loyalties to her sister...and yeah, if she was a strong contender for the abortion of her sister's child and if her sister ever regretted or resented it, then she has even more reason to make sure that her sis knows whose side she is on now. It doesn't sound as if she was wrong about not liking your father...but again, once the marriage sticks, if she doesn't tow the line, its going to cost her a relationship with her sister. She's not rocking the boat by treating you well in front of him but goes back to normal when he's not around.
And yeah, if your SM was pregnant the same time as your mother, and she had an abortion, she's going to look at you and know that her child would have been your age, accomplishing the same milestones, et cetera if only she had made a different decision or if she had had a respectable relationship with a non-married man to begin with.
Your dad isn't confronting anything because he has successfully put the blame and/or burden on everyone else - including you kids. He's not taken responsibility but has painted everyone into a corner that if they question him or question in more detail what went on that they are the ones looking hostile or foolish.
I don't get how you don't want to change your lifestyle, however, but you seem to think that your siblings are getting this cherry life because of your dad...that you can't do what you would be able to do (but then say you don't want it at the same time) because your dad wouldn't financially support it. It may look like a free ride, but it is not. It sounds as if you are the only child that has "made it" honestly since you are living on your own dime no matter how rough it is.
This is the same point that I got to. Although I understand your need to know why they treated you badly, I am not sure that you are going to get an answer.
I think that you should seek counseling, that's a lot to deal with and a lot to carry.
None of that was your fault. I hope that one day you are able to see that.
For heaven's sake, just stop talking to these people! They were assh*les before you were born, were assh*les throughout your childhood, and guess what? They're still assh*les. There is no explanation for why they do the things they do that will make them sympathetic characters, because they're not. They're assh*les, plain and simple, and they do and did what they do and did because assh*les do assh*le things; it's just the way they roll.
I have to say it one more time: assh*le.
Aw sweetie - HUGS. I think your instincts are 100% on the money. Like the PPs have said, these people are simply not good people. Your dad, no offense, sounds like a total ***. These people are not adults, they behave like children - no, worse than children.
It's hard to say this but I myself am the daughter of some truly awful people. I won't go into my own situation but I know - it's hard to admit that your own parents might just not be good people and not be doing right by you. I cut off mine a few years back and it was the best thing for me. I had to ask myself if I would let them treat me this way if we were not related, the answer was a resounding no.
Good luck to you whatever you decide.
There comes a time when you cut the negative out of your life no matter if it's family or not. It sounds like your dad is little to no help at all. I had a similar situation with my dad where he was being critical and hurtful all the time and I finally grew a pair and told him that dad or no he was not to contact me unless he ment to be a positive addition to my life. things are much better now....... but you have to be willing to walk away from all of this and let it go for your own sanity.
((hugs)). What a heartbreaking ordeal you have been through.
Some people are just toxic. Your father, step mother and her sister are examples of this.
I would ignore your father's "advice." He's not exactly the poster child for good choices is he?
The best thing you can do for yourself is to cut off toxic people like that. You will feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders if you do so.
I also strongly advise counselling.
I have a toxic family member that I cut off. The combination of cutting the person off and counselling has made a huge difference.
Please do this for yourself. You deserve better than what you've been through. As the other posters have said, it was not your fault.
Moving on is not easy. This is your family. It's only natural to want them to be the loving, supportive family you needed and wish they were. A lot of people do get a loving, wonderful family, but at the same time, plenty of us don't. It isn't your fault, and you need to take care of you first. You need to be your own family right now.
Anger issues make sense to me - you have every right to be angry. Give yourself a break.
Accepting the reality of your situation is the key, even if that reality isn't what you hoped it would be. For me, it has meant accepting that my mother never loved me and will never love me. That she isn't good for me. Acceptance was for me, how I started to move on.
Talk to your DH about it, or a friend you trust. I'm not on here much, but you can PM me too. Take care.