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Please tell me what to do with my rage & anger
You may recall my FI abandoned me and my 1.5 year old son apparently because he fell in love with his plastic coworker with a boob and nose job.
Since then I have actually met someone else who is AMAZING. I adore him and I know it is fast but he is understanding and is helping me heal. I continue to go to therapy and actually am on anti depressants because the loss of my family has been so devasting to me.
I still have my days where I cry and am sad but more than ever lately I have just have rage. I literally just want to kill him. How could he do this to me? How could he do this to our son. How could he have expected me to raise this little boy on my own. How could he act like I never exsisted to him? It is like he completely erased me and everything we had from his mind/life.
I believe in God. I know that the right thing to do is find peace & forgiveness but I have no idea how I will ever stop hating this man.
Re: Please tell me what to do with my rage & anger
(((hugs))). You can't force it. I felt the same way about my XH for a long, long time. Some days I would get so angry I would throw things around my apartment (pillows, mind you. I wasn't THAT crazy mad that I was stupid enough to break stuff, haha). Stay in counseling. Eventually the rage will fade, I promise. But it has to come with time.
Please be careful in your new relationship. If you are still having crying episodes and feel this much anger, you are not over your ex. I just don't want you to get hurt twice because you rushed into a new relationship. GL!
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
meditation
yoga
running
boxing
martial arts
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
YES!!!
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
This is kind of frightening. Are you in therapy?
We're kind of going out.
I disagree. I know several people that go to a shooting range as their stress release. It works for them... what works for some might not work for others. It would be the same as if I was working out/kick boxing/weight lifting. Some people release their anger in different ways.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
Yes, she stated this in OP. And I have to agree with RiverPestie. I know people who do this as well and they are not crazy or dangerous.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
Stress from work and then going to a gun range = normal
Filled with rage and anger at exlover and then going to a gun range = scary.
We're kind of going out.
I think Melinda is referring to the OP's comment of "I literally want to kill him." I can see how it could be a good stress reliever, but perhaps not the most appropriate in this particular situation.
But how is this any different than boxing/martial arts and imaging you are kicking your exlover's ass?
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
Uhmm, yeah. This board is over the top ridiculous with it's desire to coddle the sh*t out of everyone who posts. Yes, we all understand how upsetting divorce can be, but it is not helpful to support every bad decision that people come here with.
We're kind of going out.
True. I remember saying this too but I obviously never meant it. I kind of assumed OP didn't *really* mean it either. It's easy to say when you are that angry.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
Well I certainly can't kill him now that this post is on the internet for life. LOL. JK. Yes I am angry but no I would never actually hurt him.
I would say that given the OPs serious and deep rage and anger probably any sort of stress reliever that involves some sort of violent activity is not going to be helpful. Something like yoga would probably be a better choice to balance that out. IMO she seems very over the top with her anger and rage. Also it's probably a lot easier to for someone who is a practiced shooter to intentionally harm someone than a person taking a kick boxing class at their local gym.
I agree that not every decision is a good one but in the grand scheme of things, this isn't the WORST decision ever made. If she said "I'm going to go buy a gun", then yes, I would be ITA. And obviously I'm not coddling her as my first post cautioned her against being in a relationship.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
This exactly. Focusing on calming. non violent techniques that she can practice any time are far better ideas. Meditation, breathing techniques, changing focus, etc.
Also, when is the last time you heard about someone killing their ex with kickboxing?
We're kind of going out.
Hello? Haven't you ever watched Muay Thai? Kidding, of course. I hear what you are saying Melinda, but if you go to a shooting range and rent a gun, they don't let you bring it home with you.
I agree that she needs to learn some calming techniques but I find it hard to believe that no one has ever punched a pillow while imaging it was their ex's face IRL. You have never lost your cool?
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
That would be kickass, dude.
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
This is a great list to start with. Even walking, basketball, inline skating, ice skating, shooting pool - find something you enjoy and stick with it. Trial and error.
I also think that it's too soon for you to be dating. You still seem really angry at your ex and you're using your current relationship to help you heal. Entering a relationship under those circumstance is usually a really bad idea.
One thing I did to channel my energy into something positive was to pick a realistic goal and then started working towards it. I signed up for a multi-sport race that required me to put a lot of energy towards preparing for it. I think the idea of setting a goal and working towards something might give you a positive thing to work towards.
As for the gun thing, I also think it's a bad idea (in your case) because it seems like it might feed your aggression. If you are into shooting though, maybe you could try a different approach, like shooting clay pigeons? I personally find shooting them to be much more relaxing than shooting a handgun at a range.
Honestly, I think it's ok to feel hatred for what your ex did, but you have to find ways to channel that.
I found the "kill 'em with kindness" works for me (my ex cheated, lied about it and now lives with the mistress). I am super nice to my ex, and that works well for me because we have a son together and then when I need to choose a battle about something ds related and get my way, it doesn't seem like I always try to fight with him and then he usually lets me win. I found that really focusing on my son and making him the only reason I need to talk to ex or care about anything ex-related puts it all in perspective.
It also helps when you get a little more removed from the situation. My ex left 2 years ago next weekend. I now have a fabulous boyfriend, a great relationship with ds, a stable job, am working on my MBA, etc. I focused on my happiness and that of ds and all worked out for the best.
You don't have to like him, but you have to find a way to stop caring about the why and the how and such.
Okay, all you ladies who are talking her out of going to a gun range, how many of you have actually gone shooting at a range?
I have gone, several times, and it actually is a really great way to relieve stress, and here is why. It takes a lot of focus and body thought. You need to think about what you are doing at all times, which if the OP is in a controlled enviornment where there are people there to help her and guide her this can be really good. You have to think about your body position while holding the gun, as well as when to squeeze the trigger, and aiming as well. When you aren't shooting you have to think about the gun in your hand because you ALWAYS assume that the gun is loaded regardless.
I think going to the range in a controlled environment where there are people there to help guide you, I see nothing wrong with going to the range. Try a large gun, such as a rifle or shotgun that has some weight too it, it will build your muscles and you also have more to think about body wise because they have so much weight to them. And have fun, who knows you may be a sharp shooter
Martial arts: By the time the OP had mastered the kickboxing skills she would need to kill her ex, years will have passed and hopefully by then she will have moved on with her life.
Guns: It could be a matter of weeks for her to learn to shoot straight enough to kill her ex. In a few weeks, she might not have made any progress.
To the OP - - I'm wondering if a lot of your anger towards your ex is actually either depression or anger towards yourself. Keep up with the therapy and build up your self worth.