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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Grandparents question
How often does your children see their grandparent(s)?
My mom thinks that I should be calling her and telling her about the kids and bringing them over to her house.
I think if she wants to see them or know how they are doing she needs to call and ask.
Also, I've asked for help from her and she's either been busy (making pies was more important than helping her daughter that just had a baby), backed out (she was too tired, this was told to me right after I had Ian, I was getting no sleep, I was a little irritated) or just didn't show up (Elsie's birthday, she just didn't show up). So I stopped asking for help. She denys all this, but it's true, dh was there. Would you continue to ask just to be let down most of the time?
Re: Grandparents question
Well, my mom and I have a great relationship and so she sees Sawyer every weekend about and will watch him on a short notice when needed. My in-laws see him whenever we see them and with hockey and kids activities is about every weekend. They will watch him when needed but I need to give a bigger notice just because they have crazy schedules. But we all live within a 4 mile radius of each other too. With my 2 stepkids, it is based on the activities going on.
Growing up, my grandparents lived in Ohio while we lived in Iowa. My mom would talk to her mom every weekend and I would hop on the phone to say hi. My dad would talk to his mom almost every weekend if not every other weekend.
As an adult, I talk to my grandmas once every few months. My mom's mom we talk for maybe 5-10 minutes top to check in and my dad's mom will talk for an hour about anything and everything.
I think it truly all depends on the type of relationship you have with a parent will determine the frequency in which they see or hear how the kids are doing. But I'm a if you expect me to call, I expect you to call as well. You have to give a little to take a little.
The grandparents in town, once a week. They take the boys one evening a week for a few hours and it's awesome. This just started a few months ago and before that we'd see them on holidays/birthdays and that's it (and they just live a few streets over). I wasn't one to force my kids on them, but I think it got to my MIL that she didn't see them very often.
Your situation flat out sucks. If your Mom is too busy/forgetful, then just write her off for a while. Like a test to see what she does. I would be hurt if I was constantly put off like that.
thanks to jennied
My parents see the kids at least weekly, sometimes a couple times a week.
My IL's live out of state, so they see whenever. I try to do Facetime on the phone, but that is challenging due to time differences. I wish they saw the kids more.
My parents & IL's live in Colorado so our kids see them whenever we visit or they visit. So for my parents that's pretty much every couple of months, for my IL's it's about twice a year. When we lived in Colorado we saw my parents every week and my IL's at least once a month.
I'm sorry about the situation with your mom, it definitely seems like you are trying & she's just not.
Holy cow, we're going to have a little sister!!
My IL's think they need to see her daily but that isn't happening nor do I think its my responsibility to call them with all the updates, dh can do that. They are in town. I personally think a couple times a month is PLENTY. Plus, my IL's are kind of weird anyways and I feel like I have to sit and babysit them when they are over.
Now my parents are 10 hours away so they only see Lyra 2-3 times a year and we skype a couple times a month.
I guess I am different than most. I grew up across the country from my gparents so we were lucky if we saw them once a year let alone talked to them on the phone on a monthly basis.
I think with your mom. If you are having a bday party, invite her but fully expect her not to show, don't mention it to E so she doesn't get her hopes up etc. Over the invitation but don't go out of your way to set up "special time". If she requests it then go from there but if she requests it, then bales. No more. Protect your children from those who don't know they are hurting them. A 4 year old just doesn't understand.
I say if she's not willing to make the effort to see the kids on YOUR time, then it's her own problem.
My mom lives in KC - she came up a week after he was born, we had the reunion in August, his baptism the next week, she's coming this weekend, and then Christmas. Probably Spring Break, and then his birthday. My dad is in Omaha. He comes to the house alot during the week to help with yardwork, but we don't see him very often. On the weekends, he tries to come over when we're home, but he's not all "gushy gushy" over B. He holds his hand every once in a while, but has only held him once!
IL's are in town. They only see him when we ask them to watch him at our house (she smokes in their house so I won't take B there). She has watched him a few times on short notice, but I don't trust her for long periods (more than a few hours). Friday, she called me and said "He doesn't know us. You need to let us see him more." I responded with "You know our phone numbers and where we live." She argues with every parenting decision I make, so I really don't care how often she sees him. (I know that's horrible, but she irritates me and I'm sick of justifying how we're choosing to raise our son.) If she wants to see him more, then she needs to communicate and come see him!
Growing up, I didn't have any grandparents in town. Until I was 11, I would go spend Spring Break with my mom's mom & stepdad. I saw her dad & stepmom once every few years. My dad's mom passed before I was born. I remember his dad - kind of - but he also passed before I was old enough to really remember him.
Picture courtesy of Heidi Keene Photography
I think that your mom gets a special snowflake for sure!!
She is the one who has chosen to not be with your family in the past, so she is the one who needs to make the effort. If she wants to see the kids/know what is going on, she can call or come by. You have tried to be in that role and it didn't work out so well.
My ILs see my kids infrequently, as they live 4 hrs away. They do not come this way a whole lot, perhaps 2-3x/year. We generally go there for the 4th of July. They often but not always (if they have an actual, important commitment) come for birthday parties, which I think is awesome of them. FIL actually drove here & back on the same day in August for J's 5th birthday.
My Mom comes to see us just about once a week on the weekend. Probably 1-2x/month that is a Friday or Saturday afternoon/evening & then she watches the boys for us. Sometimes it is just for a few hrs in the afternoon.
My Dad does not see my kids, we are estranged.
I agree with others, if your Mom isn't making an effort, just cool the relationship for a little while & let things settle a bit. She will come to see that she is missing out, or not, and you can adjust accordingly.