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Need some advice re: Santa Claus
I'm in a really unique position here. This will probably be pretty long, so I hope you'll stick with me.
Some background: my husband is Jewish, I was raised Catholic. When we first started discussing marriage, he said that it was important to him that we raise any future kids Jewish. I was fine with that, as I was never a very religious person, and neither was he. I knew it was more of a cultural thing that he was concerned about. As a result of this agreement, the rule was that we wouldn't celebrate Christmas in our home once we had kids. So after our first was born, we always just celebrated it with my family at their homes.
The last Christmas before we moved, the kids were 3 and 1. The first Christmas that arrived after we moved, I found myself missing it terribly. It was hard enough on me being away from my family for the holidays, but being in an Asian country where the majority of the people don't celebrate Christmas as anything more than a commercial holiday, and there are no decorations except at the malls, and it's 90 degrees out...it was hard. DH and I talked, and he agreed that since it was so difficult for me, we would celebrate Christmas at home. "But no Santa Claus," we agreed. It wasn't too difficult to avoid questioning from the kids about Santa that first year, especially since there aren't even any Santa Clauses in the malls here. But then last year, my oldest was 5 and learning about Santa at school. Somehow, miraculously, we made it through Christmas without them asking why Santa didn't come to our home.
Well, fast forward to this year. We're going back to Houston for Christmas, and will be with my sister's family on Christmas morning, who DOES do Santa with their kids. Suddenly it occurred to us. Crap, we're going to have to do Santa. We've already gotten the questions from our oldest, like "Why didn't he visit us last year, but he'll visit us there?" I think I came up with something like, he came to see you in your classroom instead of our house; luckily, his attention was diverted soon after that, and there have been no other questions since.
But I know it's not the end of the discussion. I know he'll most likely ask more questions. How the heck do we answer the question of why Santa didn't visit them in Singapore last year? I'm at a loss. I don't think my previous answer will satisfy him. I don't even know what words to Google to even be able to find advice on it. (I'm pretty sure this isn't a very common issue.)
Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
Re: Need some advice re: Santa Claus
I'm no going to really be any help here as I only have a question. How did you decide on Christmas, but no Santa?
I ask because the Jewish/Catholic couples I know that raise the kids in the Jewish faith celebrate Christmas, but only the Santa part. They figure that would have been the hardest part to keep the kids from and Santa's not religious.
I wasn't raised with Santa Claus. Christmas was very much centered on Jesus. But we were told told that Christmas is a time for giving, and sharing our bounty with others. Lots of giving to those less fortunate. And giving to each other. We were told early on that there was no Santa, and the history of St. Nick and why we give. And NOT to spoil it for those who believe in Santa.
The thing about Christmas is that it is a magical time. I am sure Santa may add to that. But there are other ways of doing it. Getting your kids involved in the gift giving and the sharing. As well as cookie decorating, tree decorating and the secrets of not telling such and such what you got for them. Taking one kid out especially to go shopping for their dad or their sister and then having a Christmasy treat while out. And then wrapping the gifts together. You can still bring the magic of Christmas to them.
traveling turtle, thank you! That is a simple solution, and one I never thought of.
titicole, this is exactly the approach we've been taking up to now (minus the Jesus part), except that we hadn't figured out how we wanted to tell the kids that Santa isn't real, so we'd just avoided it until now. It's time to make the decision, I guess. Follow our initial plan and tell them Santa isn't real, and risk them spilling the beans to their cousins and classmates? Or go along with it at my sister's house and change our plans. Now that I'm typing it out, I'm thinking I'm leaning toward telling them the truth after all. I don't want my sister's decisions to dictate how I make mine. But my kids cannot keep secrets for anything, so it'd be interesting.
Lelia and aMrsin09, I don't understand why our only two choices would be Jesus or Santa. There's way more to a secular Christmas than that, at least for me.
In my family we never got told about Santa, sure we knew him from the malls and stuff. But he was make-believe to us.. our mom told us he would just put the suit on at Christmas time, and wouldn't actually bring gifts.
For my family Christmas is a religious holiday so we celebrate Christ's birth rather than doing gifts etc. Probably made it easier to accept. I hope that you get this figured out...
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Sorry but I would be pissed if my sister told her young kids, who can't keep a secret, that Santa wasn't real and then brought them to my house for Christmas, where there was a big chance of them telling my young kids.
What is your husband's issue with Santa? I don't even think of Santa as a particularly Christian thing at all.
This is really interesting to me. I'm Jewish and DH is secular-Christian. We have an xmas tree and have a big meal but we don't do anything else for xmas. I'm not particularly religious but I'm more so than DH. We had a conversation right after we met and we will raise our future children Jewish as well. I have no problem with a tree and with a big meal (I love holiday food!) but there's something really upsetting to me about a Jewish child talking about Santa Claus, I'm interested to know that I'm not alone in that!
I was the only Jewish kid in my school so I knew about Santa. My family is religious so we obviously didn't have anything Christmas-related at home. The santa question was raised by me early and my parents just explained that different people have different beliefs and I have to respect that. There's no reason that Jewish and non-Jewish children can't be together for a holiday that one side celebrates and I'm sure some compromises can be made to make sure your husband is comfortable.
I know this is going to come up in future - not with my DH but with my inlaws. Christmas is a huge deal to his family and they still give their grown children gifts from Santa so it's going to be a jump for them to not do that for my children. For me, everything related to Christmas is religious and part of my DH's family traditions. My children can be a part of the meal and the sharing of gifts, but taking communion and getting gifts from Santa will not be part of it.
I think finding a comfortable way to compromise on religion is always so tricky and has to be flexible. If you talk to your family and your husband ahead of time, I'm sure you can find a solution that works for everyone. As this is something I haven't had to deal with yet, I'd be really curious to hear what you decide, we're still figuring it all out too!
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Of course you make a good point, and I'm glad to hear your perspective. The last thing I want to do is upset my sister and her family, and I am concerned about it. If I do tell them, I'm going to put a lot of thought into how to do it and ensure that they understand how important it is not to tell, so it's certainly not something I'm taking lightly. Who knows? Maybe I'm underestimating my kids. But once it's out there, it's out there. There's no testing of the waters on this one, so I obviously have to think it through and be realistic. It's not that I want to stick to our decision and to hell with everyone else. That's certainly not my attitude. But I also don't want to just change a big decision because of external forces, without regard to the reasons DH and I made this decision to begin with.
DH and I jointly chose not to do Santa--it wasn't him dictating that we couldn't do it. It doesn't have anything to do with Christianity, and he doesn't have a particular beef with it--he just can't relate to it; so he left the ultimate decision up to me, and I chose not to do it. If we had celebrated Christmas from the time the kids were babies, maybe I would have chosen differently. But at the point of my decision, my kids were 4 1/2, and almost 3, and it felt weird to, all of a sudden, start the make-believe. It didn't feel natural to me at that point. It just felt more like a lie. (disclaimer: I am not saying that parents who do Santa for their kids are despicable liars. I'm just talking about my own apprehensions.)
Christmas is a really weird thing for DH. He grew up in Brooklyn, in a largely Jewish neighborhood. So although he obviously was exposed to Christmas, it was a background kind of thing for him. In his neighborhood, most of the shops were still open, and it was like any other day. Then he moved to Texas for grad school. Christmas in the south is impossible to ignore, and add the fact that there were practically zero Jews in Lubbock, he felt very isolated and developed a distaste for Christmas. He has come around quite a bit since we've met, since he's been able to experience Christmas firsthand with family, and without celebrating Jesus. (Most of my family isn't religious either.) But he still hasn't embraced it.
It was a big discussion with my extended family on how Christmas would work for the kids, since they knew we'd be raising them Jewish. We weren't' sure ourselves. So much of parenting is a learn-as-you-go experience. You can make all the plans in the world, but then life happens and you have to adjust (which is obvious, given my current situation).
I feel bad because my post came across so snotty (disclaimer, my dd had surgery today and I am definitely more stressed than normal!), I really didn't mean for it too. But, my sentiment stands, and I think you answered it fairly. It is hard because I get your point, but if I was your sister I would be upset if you came to me and said 'hey, I know your kids believe in Santa but we are going to tell our kids the truth and let's hope they don't spill the beans to your kids'. It is a fine line.
I like Traveling Turtle's suggestion, somehow explain that Santa comes to school in Singapore and doesn't visit kids twice, so Santa won't be coming to see your kids at your sisters house but will be visiting her kids, or something.
Good luck!
It's okay! I didn't take offense at all. I honestly do appreciate your viewpoint. I sometimes get so wrapped up in the "Christmas dilemma," and how it has affected our family, I lose sight of how it might affect others in turn.
I hope everything's okay with your daughter. I haven't been on the board much lately, so I'm not sure if you've mentioned details of the surgery or not. But you guys are in my thoughts!