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former spouse of an addict?
hi girls ... I moved out of our house on July 15, and have only spoken with my husband maybe three or four times since then. We do communicate via text and email though. It took an awful lot for me to work up the nerve to leave him. We've been married for eight years, no kids. Just so you know the background, I caught my husband smoking pot AGAIN, after several arguments about it, in May of 2010. I had enough ... I packed my stuff, put everything in the car, etc., and he said he knew he had to get serious and stop doing it or he'd lose me for good. I believed him when he said he was working on it.
Well in June of 2011, after yet another argument, he admitted he'd never really quit smoking pot, and told me that he'd taken money out of MY bank account to pay for his habit. Not our joint account, because he knew I'd check that account, but MY personal savings account that I'd set up when I was 18 ... it's in my maiden name.
He would wait til I was at class, or in the shower, or sleeping, or out walking, and he would take my ATM card out of my purse and go withdraw money. He admitted to hiding the bank statements so I couldn't see how much he was taking. At this point, he told me he hadn't taken any money for awhile, and when he had taken it, it was $40 to $60 each time.
A few days later, I signed up for online banking, and only when I saw the bank statements in front of me did I realize how much he'd been taking ... $140 here, $120 there, $80 here, another $140 there. I immediately called him at work and asked him again how much he took and when ... he stuck with his original story, saying only $40 to $60, that it wasn't that often, and that he hadn't done it for awhile. But I told him the statements were right in front of me, and all these transactions I saw were from the beginning of this year (which to me does not qualify as a long time ago), and that it was so much more than he'd initially "admitted" to.
I also found out that his parents gave him money that I knew nothing about. All of it went to drugs.
Now, knowing all this, I know that what I'm doing is the right thing. I need to protect my money and my mental health instead of letting him suck me dry both financially and emotionally.
After I moved out, he started to see a counselor; well now he's A Changed Man Who Has All The Answers. He says he's beat his addiction, and I think he's holding out hope that I plan to come back.
But, as is often the case, one partner doesn?t take it seriously enough to do anything about it until the other partner already has one foot out the door. And by then, it?s too little, too late. That?s pretty much where I am now.
I think he thinks that all he has to do is stop with the pot and pills and all will be right with the world again. I don't think he gets that the trust was shot to h.ell over the course of the eight years we were married, and I don't see ANYthing he could do to ever get it back.
He wants me to go to marriage counseling with him, but I don't know if I'm feeling it, to be honest. Is that awful? At this point the only reason I would consider going is to tell the counselor MY side of things and for her to officially stick a fork in it and say we're done. Pretty much, I want him to hear from an unbiased third party/marriage counselor that the trust is completely gone and there is no salvaging the relationship. He thinks I'm giving up on him and our marriage and I'm being mean.
I guess I'm looking for a little insight from those who have been in my shoes. How do I respond when he says "I'm so sorry, I love you, I know I messed up, but I've changed now and I'm going to make it right ... you'll see you can trust me from now on, I promise" and on and on?
It took an AWFUL lot for me to pull the trigger and make the big move of moving out. And now I can't just flip the switch and go back again.
HE thinks he's got the problem beat ... I think the trust is too far gone to even think about repairing the marriage. What do I tell him? How do I make him understand where I'm coming from? Do you think marriage counseling would actually work at this point? Thoughts?
Re: former spouse of an addict?
An addict will do or say anything to get you back to them. Is he in rehab or is he just saying he's a changed man? Unless he is going to some inpatient rehab for his pill addiction, it's just words.
If you've already checked out, as can be expected after dealing with lying and stealing and drug use for so long, then don't feel bad. Never feel bad for protecting yourself from a life of substance abuse.
My H would do and say things to get me to stay. They are the masters of munipulation. "I'll stop drinking" and he will for a few day or weeks but I'd find bottle hidden around the house. We'll go to counseling if that will make it better. I'd set up the appointment, we would go and he would just place blame for his abuse on me. This is how he "deals with me" by drinking or smoking pot. The vicious cycle would continue, things would be great. No drinking, no drugs, we'd be getting along and then something would trigger the drinking, whether it be a bad day at work, a good day at work, a social function, whatever the case may be, his drinking would create loads of frustrustion, anger and resentment. I'd begin with the arguing and then as of recently, it leading to physical violence.
so if you've already checked out...don't feel bad. It a toxic relationship and what I am doing is leaving. I know I deserve better than this life.
Take care.
I'm a big believer in the 12-step process to recover from substance abuse, and with anything like AA or similar 12-step programs, he would be apologizing to you, be 100% truthful about what he did (not lying and saying he only took $40 when he took $120), and would have an attitude of "I know I did awful things and I don't deserve another chance, but if you find it in your heart to forgive me / give me a second chance, I would love that opportunity."
That's not what is happening. He may have stopped for now, but he is still an addict.
IMO, I would be worried that he only wants me b/c the cash flow (for drugs) has diminished.
This. I honestly wouldn't trust a word he's saying. YOU do NOT need to apologize for leaving someone who has been lying to you and has broken your trust. I think you're doing the right thing. I was married to an addict and they'll say anything and do anything when they're faced with losing you. I would look into individual counseling and al-anon if I were you. Also, read the book "CoDependent No More" it's a great insight to how twisted you become dealing with an addict.
Oh and going to counseling together, maybe that will work but likely not. I did the exact same thing when we were in the midst of separating/divorce. I wanted him to believe the counselor and what I was telling her. An unbiased third party so to speak. He didn't listen to a word she said and got angry because she wasn't buying into his bullshiit. He and her actually got into a verbal disagreement in the middle of the session. She told him that he needed rehab, a twelve step program, and individual counseling for a year, MINIMUM before he should persue getting back together with me. He left the session and tried to convince me how wrong she was and we needed to see another counselor. Good luck with that!
Here is my opinion because I am an addict.
First the definition of addiction from the 12 step fellowship that I belong to is the obsession -a fixed idea and compulsion - the inability to stop once started. I can tell you that I will never be reformed or recovered and if I ever believe that I am then I am headed for relapse. I also know from experience that I didn't recover and or change over night. Change takes time and lots of work. For the first five years of my recovery I went to meetings 5-7 nights a week, I changed all my playmates and playgrounds. People that still used had no use for me nor I for them. All the people in my life today are people that do not use or are not addicts. Yes there are times that I have wanted to use and instead I used my program. I also married and addict in recovery and we did the counseling thing when the marriage headed downhill. But like I said my ex was an addict and he convinced the counselor that he was the perfect client, told him what the counselor wanted to hear and then when we got home it was all BS.
So I left, divorced him six years ago, lost the house lost the kids had no job and was suffering from domestic violence.
I have since gotten into a healthy relationship, got the new house straightened out the kids and took care of my mental health. I still go to my own counseling appointments some ten years later, still have a sponsor, go to meetings and enjoy the fellowship that I belong to. Tomorrow my FH and I are passing papers on the sale of our house packing up and moving from Boston to FLA.
So yes addicts can change if they put in the time and effort. Also just to let you know, in eight days I will celebrate 21 years clean from active addiction and in Jan. my FH wil celebrate 24 years clean.
We both still have sponsors and sponsees, got to meetings and don't use mo matter what.
So pray for your ex because he is a sick person not necessarily a bad person. Because if he was bad would you have married him? Until he hits ROCK BOTTOM and becomes willing to surrender he will stay caught up in active addiction.
I am a greatful recovering addict named Joni
WE DO RECOVER
ps: my ex relapsed and is now in federal prision for the last 2+ years for 8 yes 8 armed bank robberies because he never surrendered
Marachino,
I was pretty much in your same exact shoes just this past summer.
My husband has been struggling with addiction for years now, much to the detriment of our marriage, my mental/emotional health and our financial health. There were years of lies, sneaking around, stealing, etc.
Last January, on my birthday no less, I packed up and left him for a week. Told him this was it, straighten out. He did some outpatient sessions but it just wasn?t working. I don?t think he really wanted to be there, even though he knew the repercussions otherwise (me leaving him for good).
Rock bottom came this summer. He got arrested, lost his job?. Went to rehab, came home and used within 24-hours (blaming me 'cause I didn't give him the 'homecoming' he felt he wanted and deserved), then back to rehab, etc, etc?.
I have never been so stressed or felt such emotion in my entire life. He?s been living with his parents since August and as much as he has said he?s wanted to try marriage counseling/make it work, he has made little effort to help me otherwise with finances and house/yard upkeep and to ready the house for sale (since I can't afford it on my own).
During ?rock bottom? time, I also found out that his father had been paying a good portion of our bills and giving him money?.
DH is also now ?a changed man? but like you said, it?s too little, too late. His parents have not reached out to me in the least bit and his sister has even bashed me on Facebook, as I?m the one ?leaving the marriage.?
I?ve had the ?what about thru sickness and in health? line thrown at me, ?what about thru good times and bad??
I saw a counselor who I was hoping would give me the answer to ?what do I do?!? but of course, only I can answer that. But the counselor did help me feel more confident in what I want.
And here?s what I want: I want a partner who is going to help me grow, help me to be a better person. I want someone who I know I can count on 110%. I want to be married to a MAN, not a child who is still overly-dependent on his parents. I want to know that someday I will have a child with a man who can support me and a child not only financially (actually, that?s the least of it) but emotionally and spiritually as well.
There is a lot of dysfunction currently in my DH?s family, not just between him and his parents but between him and his sister, and her husband, and it just goes on and on and on. And I DO know that I do not want to bring a child into that dysfunctional picture. And that it?s not healthy for me. It?s kind of like, would you willingly jump on a sinking ship?
I wish my husband all the best but I have to move on for my own sanity, and to make my future what I want it to be for ME. If I have a partner to enhance my future, great. But my future will be wonderful no matter what ?cause it?s MINE to decide, no one else?s.
Sorry for the rambling, but as I said, I know exactly what you?re going thru and have a lot to say about it! Feel free to PM me, we can talk more, or e-mail, or whatever
Just remember: this too shall pass and we will be wiser, stronger women for it.