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Overbearing Mother...OMG
My Mom is driving me insane. We have always had a close relationship, maybe too close. She thinks she can still tell me what to do, as if I'm 15 years old and living under her roof. I'm going through a separation/divorce and she calls me 10 times a day (exaggeration, but not by much) to ask what I'm doing, where the kids are, what the kids are doing, what I've done with the kids that day, etc. Just yesterday, I had a babysitter because I had to go back to work to get a few things done. She asked a million questions...."When are you going home," "Are you in the care now?" "Are you going back to work tomorrow too?" "Why did you have to go back to work?" "Who is with the kids?" "Are you going home yet?"
I felt like saying......"MOM I love you, but I'm a GD adult and I need you to get off my back." I know she is concerned about me. She's worried about my "state of being" since I'm going through a divorce. Furthermore, she's always been REALLY controlling where my kids are concerned, but that's another story.
I just wish she would back off!
Re: Overbearing Mother...OMG
Don't answer all her calls, or cut her off "Mom, I dont' have time to talk about this now.".
I get that she's annoying, but you do have some power here. You can even say "mom- I appreciate your concern, but if I need help, I'll call. I can't keep answering all tehse questions."
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Stop taking her calls. Let them go to voicemail and call her back when you're ready to talk to her. She doesn't need this much detail about your daily activities.
I wouldn't avoid her, just come right out and say what you need to say to her.
"Mom, I know you love me and are concerned about me. I am very grateful to have such a caring mother. That said, I do not need to you check up on me every couple of hours. I'm an adult, bottom line."
Oh you'll love this. If I don't answer the home phone or my cell phone after her numerous attempts to call, she will call my neighbor and ask if my car is in the driveway. If it is, she asks my neighbor to come over and tell me to call her.
How does she even know your neighbor's phone number? That is totally inappropriate behavior. Honestly - I would tell your mother to back off. It sounds like she needs to be put in her place and you need to put up some boundaries here.
My mom tries this sometimes, in a 'do I have to call the principal?!' kind of tone, and when she does I tell her to try it and see how far it gets her, and how likely it'll be that I'll call her back in the next decade. She knows way better than to actually do it.
Say something to your mother and create the boundaries for yourself. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet & tell it like it is to your family. Really, seriously. If you don't this behavior will run rampant & make your life chaotic/smothered.
Believe me, I've run into similar situations in my family. They get butthurt and don't talk to you for a little while, but ultimately they get over it. You need space to figure out what is going on with you & to rebuild your life. You don't need your mom hovering over you creating drama.
Oh yeah, and the calling the neighbor thing? WTF? I would tell your neighbor to avoid the calls. Your mom needs to get a hobby and quit interfering in your life. I know she cares about you, but she needs to release!
And your neighbor does it? Wow. You need boundaries with this woman like 4 years ago.
And to add, you should discuss with your neighbor that being your mom's errand boy is wildly inappropriate, and that you will not be returning your mother's calls if relayed in this fashion, period.
This isn't to put your neighbor in the middle (though they've clearly done a good job of that for his or herself already), but to give the neighbor a heads up that you're not taking your mother's horseshit, so they can act accordingly. If the neighbor gets uppity about it, lock your door.
Holy shiit. Okay, you need to set boundaries with your mom AND neighbor, apparently.
So what's your plan of action here?
Tell them how you feel. Pretty simple. And I am sure she would appreciate honesty.
Control issues all around, since your H treats you like a child too, apparently.
The fact that she calls your neighbor and you see this as a "oh, well, I guess I HAVE to take her calls" tells me you are pretty meek when it comes to her. The first time she did this, it should have been met w/ "This is unacceptable and if you ever do it again, I will not be returning ANY of your calls for awhile. I'm an adult and you need to back off".
But the fact that you didn't do that tells me that you're not going to take any of our advice now on this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
So... I'm getting that on some level you enjoy being treated like a helpless, mindless child and that's why you surround yourself with people who see you and treat you this way?
I mean, really. Take a step back and ask yourself how things got to this point.
Oh, she's not with her H anymore (although I don't think the divorce is final yet). She left him and jumped immediately into a relationship with another guy, who is also proving to be kind of a jerk.
She's got too much time on her hands and you're a pushover for answering her calls.
Let the calls go to voicemail --- and don't get her texts if she texts you. She will get the message when you stop calling back on her orders and on her whim.
She treats you like a kid because you ACT like a child "My mommy calls me, and I NEED to call her back or she will get angry with me!!!" So she gets angry. The world will keep on spinning.
Tell your mom that you will only be talking to her 1x per day. If she calls at 10 am, that is her "time." Don't call her back after that one time. If she wants to hear about your day, she'll have to find out the next day.
If she calls, don't answer the phone. If she calls your cell, send her calls to voicemail or set your ringtone for her so to "none." Don't answer her texts or emails (send her email to the spam filter) If your neighbor comes over, tell her you're not answering your mom's phone, so sorry that she is bothered, but you will not call your mom if neighbor comes over; there is a reason you are not calling your mom back. Tell your sitter not to answer the phone. If the sitter has a cell, tell her you will phone her by cell if you want to reach her, and DO NOT give the cell number to your mom.
I read a book about stalkers. They recommended changing your number and not telling the stalker (but keeping the old number so that they just felt the calls were not being returned). You should do that with your mom.
You need to TRAIN your mom like you train a dog. (Ditto your H!!!). You can't just TALK about boundries, you have to create them and ENFORCE them.
I thought her name looked familiar.