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MIL problems
Hi I am having trouble letting go some anger I am experiencing since before our wedding. Our wedding was last month and we won a portion of the vendors to go toward the cost. It helped out a lot. But because of the location and the price of the rooms/ place to stay there was a battle from my inlaws. Everything that was supposed to be exciting turned into a nightmare. All my thoughts were second guessed and myself and my husband were talked about like we were two 4 year olds who did not know what we were doing.
She complained that the location was horrible and that the package we won was a rip off and we were going to have to pay an arm and leg for everything in the end. The resort where we wanted people to stay was too expensive. She phoned me 3-4 times a day and talked about how she wanted "her family" to have their own cabins and no one would share a cabin or room. "Her family" needed to have to this and that. I thought fine but I have family coming from the other side of the country that I have to look out to. Turns out she booked all the small cheep cabins for "Her people" because they were too "incompetent" to book themselves. The small cabins turned out to be too cramped and my family - the ones that could make it had great roomy places to stay. (That gave me some satisfaction)
She finally convinced me to go to the party rental to pick stuff out for the venue- I went - she tried to over take it - I tried to tell her what I wanted. Got a little back bone and told her no I did not want some things she tried to push at me. She went behind my back and went back and ordered stuff. I called and cancelled them. In the end half the stuff we DID order - did not make it to the wedding. 
But things still turned out to be beautiful!
She called my mom when she could not reach me (or when I would not pick up the phone) to complain that my husband refused to ask his brother be his bestman. She had invited him herself without letting my husband know. Then when this got bad she would phone me and cry and say it was up to me to bring them together. She told my mom on more then one ocassion she could not wait for this "Stupid Thing " to be over (our wedding) and she snapped about me to her and said I did not know what I was doing and if things got messed up it wasn't her fault.
2 weeks before our wedding she decided that her people do not dance so what the hell else would they do after we all ate. She ordered a Karaokee maching without asking if I wanted it there. All my family love to dance - she also got "Her people" to bring to big Maragarita Makers and umpteen bottles of booze and mix to go with it on top of the other bottles she demanded we have for "her people" most of my family that attended did not drink. This caused trouble for me and my husband. I think he was torn between keeping his mom happy and quiet and hoping I stay happy. In the end SHE WON! AGAIN!
Cue the wedding day - She stomped around with her pjs on and her hair looking like a troll and stormed in to my cabin 3 seperate ocassions complaining about stuff not being ready - I had to stop getting ready to go get my maid of honor and sister in law to set stuff up with the vendors and finally on the 3rd time my make up artist offered to tell the MIL where to go - I laughed but declined.
I purposely removed the chance for people to object during the ceremony because I honestly thought she would. Once the ceremony was over people came to congratulate and hug us. My FIL hugged and kissed me and said how happy he was. My MIL glared at me and grunted and gave me a one arm hug. She did not congratulate or comment on how I looked. I was so hurt.
During the reception she flipped out because the cake and cupcakes weren't set up - I said I thought the venue staff were doing it and asked her to talk to my mom. Then from there she had a fight with her sister at the next table to us about her Father and the bathroom.
During the Father - Daughter dance she raced to find her cousin and started dancing to "Dance with me Daughter" - I was so shocked I almost cried. She then cut in during my Mother-Daughter dance with her husband. I am surprised she didn't when we did our first dance as Husband and Wife.
When I went to the bathroom during the dance she got the Karaokee set up and got her family singing. My uncle had enough and went to her and told her to turn that "sh*t" off! ha ha..
I am so lucky I had my family and friends to keep me sane. She has been nothing but rude and cold to me these last 3 weeks. She has also told everyone that she funded the wedding and planned everything. Which is a load of ****! They did give us money as an "engagement gift" If I had our time back I would have had my husband give it back to her.
I am holding on all this anger towards her. I want to say something to her but I don't want to cause trouble with my husband. I do not know what to do. I am so heartbroken with all that she did. Need someone to talk to!
Thanks
Re: MIL problems
I had issues with my MIL and wedding planning too but not to the extent you had trouble! She was just trying to force/guilt me into inviting people I didn't want invited. Needless to say MIL and I aren't on the same page either and as much as I want to say something to her about the million things that make me irate I've discovered "less is more" I live my life,love my husband and puppies enjoy my marriage and say little, nod and smile because its easier that way.
Good luck lady!
My advice: let it go. She is BSC and everyone sees it.
You can't change her. Get rid of your expectations.
Honestly, let it go. Weddings (and funerals) bring out the worst in everyone. I had similar issues with my MIL, but looking back on it, I did have something to do with it. I let whatever happened between her, my mom and my sister during the bridal shower planning (which I had no part of, nor did I know about until after the shower) affect how I treated her. Even though I had been enjoying talking about some wedding stuff with her, I abruptly cut her off from the wedding planning because of what I was told by my mom and my sister, and it was at that point where she went looney to somewhat a similar extent that you're describing. I regret getting sucked into a catfight that had did not directly involve me, and hurting our relationship in the meantime. (For reference, my shower ended up being almost a year before my wedding, so lots of time for that catfight to fester.)
The sooner you let go of the anger, the better off you'll be. Focus on improving your relationship with her. MIL and I have really gotten closer especially since the birth of my daughter - enjoying time with her really makes life a lot more pleasant. And if you have children in the future, your MIL will be just as much a grandma to your child as your own mom is.
In a few years, wedding stuff is going to seem so trivial and stupid. Don't hang on to the anger.
ETA: On the surface, my MIL is BSC too. But once you get past the crazy, she's really a great person. Remember that weddings bring out the worst in everyone, so put it behind you and give your MIL a chance!
Realize that you can't change the past, but you can have some outcome on the future.
My MIL was BSC during my wedding planning too and I really wish I had the chance to do some things again because I would do them differently. She was so bad that she basically ruined any chance to have a relationship with me, and I told DH that. She is his mother and she will always be welcome in our home, and I will always be cordial to her but that is it. i will not make any attempt to do more than that. And any time an event comes up I make sure she knows no details and that I am not accepting any input from her or anyone else.
take your post and turn it in to a diary entry...then try to write about all the things that went well that day...then put it away. If you start to think about the crap that went down, pull out the diary instead that talks about the good stuff. You can't change the past...dwelling on it will eat you up. You need to find a way to deal with her going forward and you won't be effective if that is what is getting to you.
I say this out of love! I had some punk-ars bridesmaids and slew of stories that I have to remind myself to let go of.
This
First, I would like to know where your DH is in all of this. You said at one point "I think he was torn between keeping his mom happy and quiet and hoping I stay happy. In the end SHE WON! AGAIN! ".
This concerns me. If he isn't backing you up, if he's not standing up to his mother, then this is also a DH problem. if he isn't on the same page as you, then his mother will always be a huge problem.
Second, while she does sound crazy, you're also getting upset over stuff that just isn't your concern. The cabins? So what that she booked them for her family. SO WHAT? They weren't available for your family? Well - that may have happened no matter how sane her MIL is! if she or her family is more proactive on booking their rooms.... oh well.
And I have to say - how expensive WERE the rooms? It's great that you won prize to keep your wedding costs down, but if that meant your guests only options for lodging were expensive - well, then yeah, I can see why she was upset. We have family getting married in NYC in March. They are going to try and find various price points for hotels, but still- it's NYC. Lodging alone may make it too expensive for us to go.
So - I can't entirely fault your MIL for being upset at the cost if it really was expensive.
Past that - why not focus on the GOOD parts of your wedding? Yes, she's rude to cut in on one of your dances (but did you really have a dad/daughter AND a mother/daughter dance? News flash - all these special dances get reallly boring after awhile), but you're actually giving her the power when you LET her upset you to the point of almost crying instead of saying "dad, lets not worry about her!" and focus on your dad....
As said, what's done is done. You know how she is, start working w/ that knowledge. And again, look at where your DH falls in all of this. Is he putting mommy dearest first, or is he putting your first?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
She sounds like a lunatic. And se's got your number. The last thing she wants is for you to ignore her and go lead your life without her. She wants to be in on everything, just like she did for the wedding.
She's been mean and rude to you, and as a consequence, you are not going to have anything to do with her.
So, the real question is - will your DH back you up?
As someone who HAS mouthed off to a (step)MIL, my advice would be DON'T DO IT!!! It will only cause problems, and you will always be the "bad guy," (no matter how BSC she is). Plus, it is ammo for her to use against you. If anybody says anything, it should be your H.
What you SHOULD do is learn from this experience. This is not the first party you have that MIL will attend - especially if you have kids. You need to develop a backbone and tell her "sorry, I am planning this party on my own." Don't answer the phone and let her give you her "suggestions," or "demands," particularly about the guest list, cost, etc.
AND DON'T TAKE HER MONEY!!!
I think a lot of your anger should be directed towards yourself. You allowed this woman to butt in, make her own plans for your wedding, and upset you. I'm shocked that the venue would allow anybody but the bride and groom make plans to have equipment carted into the banquet hall. I'm surprised that you or your mom listened to MIL when she told you that it was your responsiblilty to create a bond between your H and his brother, and triple-surprised that your H didn't tell his mom AND his brother that he has already chosen his best man, and that "mom doesn't choose my wedding party. sorry, bro."
Your MIL butts into people's lives, and makes demands and independent plans b/c people allow her to. Stop allowing this behavior! You don't need to be super-b*tch, you just need boundries. When you plan a party, send her an invite and stop taking her calls. Tell your H he makes no change in plans without consulting YOU first.
My suggestion is to distance yourself from MIL. That doesn't mean demanding that you and H never see her, but she's not your friend, not even YOUR mom, so don't pick up the phone when she calls, and forward her emails or texts to your H. See her only when it is required (holidays, birthdays).
I had issues with MIL before the wedding too. She caused a lot of frustration and unnecessary stress and it really changed how I felt about her. I started to rethink my optimism about her as a MIL about the 5th or 6th time she called DH crying and accusing him of not wanting to have his family at the wedding all because he put his foot down and curtailed his mother's misplaced desire to invite 100 members of his family that he never sees or speaks to (Our entire guest limit was 100). She made a lot of easy situations very difficult ones and it was hard to put on a smile when she came to the wedding to be honest. My mom slipped up and told her when we would be at the church and she actually camped out in the room with my bridesmaids and me. It was awkward to say the least but after I realized she wasn't going to let me have my "girl time" I just ignored her. It wasn't hard to do with so much else going on. I still have a hard time talking to her with a straight face.
I think planning a wedding really teaches people a lot about their future ILs and even their own parents and family. I am still convinced that if my MIL knew just how rude, obnoxious, and inappropriate her behavior was she would be absolutely horrified. Thankfully, MIL and FIL live hundreds of miles away so we don't have to see them that often and we can ignore their calls when we need to. She got wind from DH about something inappropriate she had said and when he pointed it out as such she got really upset and apologetic and was totally embarrassed. I don't say anything to her about that stuff. I let DH do it when he deems it necessary and appropriate. Not seeing them very often helps. I think you need to enlist your DH when and if you ever feel you need to say something about her behavior. At this point I wouldn't bring anything up unless you really felt hurt and seriously offended by whatever she might be doing at the moment.
First off, as said by pps, you say mothing about the past and you let it go. I have mouthed off to my MIL (who is beyond bsc) and it not only felt good but gave my dh the courage to stand up to her (but I did it at the moments of her insanity).
Secondly, you let her do this. You need to come to terms with this and figure out how you are going to change your behavior with her in the future. Your DH also let her do this and he needs to own up to that and figure out how he will deal with her future behaviors.
What's done is done and you can't change that, but you can affect the future.