Starting Over
dmndsr4eva
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Most people cautioned me not to start a new relationship. Why?
No one really said why. They just said it isn't a good idea. What do you think are the potential things that can go wrong in starting a new relationship so soon?
"How often does the other woman get a happy ending?" Chuck Bass, Gossip Girl
Re: Most people cautioned me not to start a new relationship. Why?
Not sure how soon is "so soon" but often you're not emotionally healed or ready for a relationship. It's easy to jump back into one after a break up/divorce because you're emotionally vulnerable and the attention and affection feels good but often you start a relationship because that's just what you're used to.
It's important to take time to know yourself after a devastating break up, date around, learn from your mistakes, analyze what went wrong in a previous relationship and engage in self reflection before moving on. You owe it to yourself and your new partner to be able to give all of yourself in a new relationship (i.e. after you've licked the wounds of an old one).
Yup. All of this. You need to be fully healed from one relationship before you can be successful in your next one. I am guessing that because you were cheated on, you may be having some self esteem issues (just a guess, feel free to tell me I'm wrong). If you are having these issues, you can't truly love someone else until you love yourself.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
Well, one, you're still mad about the old relationship which suggests you have residual issues you need to work out before starting something new.
Don't you want to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally healthy and not still sorting through their last break up?
Also, you have a kid and you need to think about your child and how all these changes affect them.
Well said by Mint and DM. Also there are way too many people out there that are in relationships..just to be in relationships. That really bugs the *** out of me with some people I know who are like that. They CANT be alone even if it is in their best interest for the time being.
All of this too. How can you appropriately work through your issues now if you are focusing your energy on someone new? You should be focusing your energy on yourself and your son, IMHO.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
In addition to a big fat DITTO to MintChoco and dmarie...
It's very easy to use another person as a temporary Band-Aid, which is unhealthy and unfair. My therapist told me that I could either take the time to heal now, or I could mourn both the broken marriage and another break-up down the road. I chose to heal myself in the here and now. I didn't want to keep making the same mistakes. Plus, being alone isn't a sad, shameful thing.
If you're wrapped up in the thought of immediately jumping into another relationship, you might be co-dependent. I understand that sometimes timing is wonky, and there are plenty of posters on here who didn't have a lot of "single" time, but I always get the feeling they didn't go looking for the relationship or for someone else to make them happy/complete...the healing process was done.
Dang it, I had an awesome reply and the bump ate it
Ditto what everyone else said. You might think you're ready, but you're most likely not. When you don't take time to heal you are more susceptible to settling for anyone that comes along, and thus you risk getting hurt AGAIN.
I like what Bowies said about doing the self work now so you don't wind up getting hurt again down the road. You'll thank yourself later.
FOUND my original reply-see below:
How long has it been for you?
The reason people generally caution about this is because your vulnerable, therefore more susceptible to a potentially bad/unhealthy relationship. You do need to take time to heal and realize that you're ok on your own, and as a result of this you won't settle for the first thing that comes along (if it's not a good situation, that is). You'll be able to be selective.
An example of something like this is a girl that I'm friends with. She's three months out of a crappy, verbally abusive marriage, and I'm two plus years out of mine. She was telling me about this "wonderful man" that she met and she really likes him, blah, blah. As she was telling me about him I was thinking RED FLAGS all over this guy.
-he won't talk to her on the phone, will only text
-doesn't want to "put a label" on their relationship but really likes her,nonetheless
-she'd already slept with him and seemed FAR too attached
-from what I know of this guy and his history he has a really unsavory rep
Anyways, even when she was first telling me about him my radar went up. I thought it sounded like a really bad situation. As it went on further, she eventually found out that he was seeing someone else and called him on it. She tried to actually phone him but he wouldn't pick up, so she ended up texting him. He never even responded.
My point is, she wasn't and isn't ready and I told her this. I could smell the douche a mile away not because I'm am better than her or a super sleuthe, but because I, myself, have taken the time to heal and figure out what I want in life and out of a relationship. when you get to a good place you start to get very keen about realizing when someone is up to no good. Obviously said friend isn't there yet. I am glad she didn't end up with this guy because it would've likely equaled much, much more pain down the road.
This.
If you are still angry at your ex, he is living in your head. That means that any SO you have will be in a threesome with him, you and the ex.
And yes yes yes - - not to be cold, but between the anger, the obsession about the new girlfriend's plastic surgery, and the gun fantasies, you are f'ed up. You will never attract a quality mate in the state you are in. You'll attract an a-hole.
Someone DID post about the why (if you read the replies, which I guess you didn't). You can't date someone to fill a void, you need to be whole and fill that void on your own.
It sounds kind of cheesy, but I've always believed in the concept that it's when you can TRULY say "I'm happy w/ who I am and I really don't need anyone in my life" is when the right person will walk into your life.
This is something I personally experienced. I can remember, in college, literally thinking "I"m having a blast. I dont' WANT to date anyone!" and w/ in the month, I was w/ my now DH. I've had friends w/ the same experience.
But this comes after being single for awhile. You can't get there when you go from relationship to relationship.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Often, a tendency to jump right from one relationship to another indicates low self-esteem, as if the person needs a significant other in order to feel he or she has any worth as a human being. If you don't love yourself and feel like a complete person independently of anyone else, you simply aren't capable of having a truly healthy relationship with another person. Also, people who can't be single for more than five minutes tend to repeat their mistakes over and over again, often by dating people who are just as bad for them as their exes were. When you're okay with yourself, you can CHOOSE your partner instead of settling for anyone who shows an interest in you.
People advised you not to date anyone for awhile because you haven't learned anything from the relationship that just ended, and, as everyone else has said, it's not fair to put the burden of healing you on someone else. In a healthy relationship, you'll love the other person for who he is, not for what he does for you.
IMO if you are asking this question then you are not emotionally mature enough (yet) to be in a relationship.
You need to really understand who you are as an individual before jumping into any relationship. If you are really clueless as to why you should wait then I feel like you have spent no time on self reflection.