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future IL problems
My fiance and I have been together for 6 years and recently became engaged. For the past 4 years we've lived in an apt that is just four houses down from his parents in a city that is 5 hours away from my family. In the past year or so I've had discussions with my fiance about how I'd really be much happier if we could eventually settle down in NY where my family is, since I'm very family oriented. Just this week he was offered a job where he is able to work remotely from home. What this means for us is that I can start looking for jobs back in NY so we can move back down to that area. We ideally would like to be about an hour from my parents --close enough to go to family functions, but not too close that they can just drop by! When he told his parents that we'd probably be moving closer to NY in the spring they shut down. His mother (who I've always been SO nice to) won't even look at me. She is telling me how her heart is breaking, but won't even talk to me. His father is not really any better, he keeps telling us negative things, like how bad the traffic is and house expensive the houses are.
I've been living four houses down from them, suffering in silence when they walk in to the apt unannounced and violate so many boundaries. I've also for four years been 5 hours from my family. We are planning a wedding in NY and probably in a couple of years will want to have kids--I think it's only fair to be close to my family for awhile, I'm going to need my mom around me for those things.
I did nothing to deserve her freezing me out and blaming me for stealing her baby away (her almost 30 year old son!). Her older son lives 2 hours away, but she has never guilted him or his wife about this, It's unfair of them to make me feel guilty for wanting us to start our life together.
I am so beyond hurt and frustrated, and honestly I am starting to become angrier every day. They won't even listen to their son to hear about the amazing new job and salary bump he's getting. It's childish.
They are also throwing us an engagement party this weekend that has been planning for 2 months...I cringe at how awkward it's going to be.
Re: future IL problems
Forget them being upset. That's a nonissue. THIS is a real problem:
" I've been living four houses down from them, suffering in silence when they walk in to the apt unannounced and violate so many boundaries."
Yes, why on earth would you remain silent about this? What does your fiance say to them when they act this way?
This, and I also think by the way you're describing your ideal family situation in NY, you're being just as attached to your family as your husband is to his.
Stop feeling guilty. She's not making you feel this way; you are making you feel this way. This is what you and your fi want; go do what you want and stop spazzing.
Is the cheap rent really worth your sanity? I think not.
If you pay rent at all, then they shouldn't be doing this. Would you accept this from a landlord that wasn't related to either of you, no matter what the dollar value was that you paid per month?
If he thinks this is okay, then I'd hold off on marrying him. Intrusive future ILs become intrusive ILs, and severe disagreements on parent boundaries with a boyfriend become that thing we divorced over with a husband.
the boundary issue is unrelated, something you need to be dealing with ongoing
One day you'll have kids...think about how you'll feel when they move 4-6 hours away...sad right
Ask them to be excited for you and tell them you'll find ways to stay close even if the miles seperate you...see if you can empathize with them.
your fi is part of the problem. clearly he didn't tell her to nto show up-just knock first.
i'd thik twice about hurring along wedding plans. your FI needs to learn that YOU come before anyone else-even parents. clearly he's not aware of that yet.
and for christ sakes-the 'good deal' on rent SO isn't worth it. go and get a place where they won't be able to hold anything over you. and MOVE if that's what you want to do. who cares if they sulk? SO WHAT?! you'd stay there like this so that they dont' get upset? come on.
The in-laws seem to feel like they are entitled to a big part of your life. You've allowed it by "suffering in silence" while they barge in (seriously, why the hell didn't you say anything?) and by worrying about them approving of your life choices. You're giving them WAY too much power.
If they own your apartment and are giving you a break on the rent ... well, yeah, it's really rude of them to just barge in and go through your stuff, but on the other hand it's ultimately THEIR place and they are doing you a big favor by reducing the rent. You're relying on them for something, yet complaining that you deserve your privacy. Favors oftentimes come with strings attached, so now you've learned that your in-laws will probably never give you something for nothing. From now on, don't accept favors from them. Make your own way in life, even if you have to spend more money to do it. Trust me, money is worth FAR less than your happiness and privacy.
Ditto PP who said that you seem to have a family attachment yourself. It's not at all a bad thing to be close to your family, but why do you get to move closer to your own family while your FI has to move farther away? Does he WANT to move closer to your family? Can you compromise on this?
Who cares if the in-laws are upset that you might move away? You don't need their approval. Don't make THEIR problem into YOUR problem. They can either suck it up, be nice to you and be a part of your lives ... or they can pout and whine and NOT be a part of your lives. It's entirely their choice. It's not your problem. I've been there before and I'm telling you, they won't drop dead if you move away. Your H needs to be firm - "We've made our decision. We will be happy to call and visit and host you in our home if you can be nice to us, but if you're going to be nasty to us then we just won't keep in touch. Your choice."
But you have a big issue here if your FI sees nothing wrong with his parents barging into your home (whether they own it or not) or if he's O.K. with them being nasty to you. You need to work out these issues before you marry him. Put the wedding plans on hold for now and get this straightened out, because a wedding will not fix these things.
Problem Number ONE: you and he are NOT on the same song sheet --- it's essential you be a team together.
Why was it a requirement you live so close to his family -- and why is it going to be a must that you and he live so close to yours?
Get digs in a neutral area --- you're supposed to be a team and starting your lives together as a family....live where you want to live and don't have your decision based on "oh but my family/his family lives near there so we have to blah blah." Nope.
Problem Number TWO: She is pulling the old guilt trip on you. Don't buckle into it; do like you do when a kid tosses a tantrum: IGNORE IT. You'll see how fast she stops with the histronics.
Problem Number THREE; He won't stick up for you. He should tell his mother to treat you civilly no questions asked. And if he will not do that?
RETHINK him.
Sounds to me like he's not mature enough to be an H.
The only other thing I can add to what has been said is being "very family oriented" goes both ways when you're married. It's not just about you and the family you grew up with. Your husband has a family he grew up with too.
Your FI gets to feel "family oriented" as much as you do. He gets to want to be close to his family, and raise his children close to his family as much as you want to be near your family and raise your kids near your family.
Also, your parents probably experienced some disappointment and sadness when you moved away. His parents get to have those same feelings now. I'm not suggesting they're expressing them the most appropriate way, just suggesting that you try to give them a (very little) break on this one.
As for the boundaries issue you have been having...The biggest problem here is that your FI is not on your side here. If you are feeling like your STBILs are crossing the line (and I think that they are) your FI should be willing to express these concerns to his parents. The fact that he doesn't want to do that, and instead allows you to "suffer in silence" is a major red flag to me (and obviously many others).
You and your FI need to get on the same page. This means he needs to hear you, and you need to be willing to hear him. If you're five hours away from your family right now, it sounds like you could arguably consider being 2.5 hours away from both? Is there a place in the middle?
The thing about being married is that usually no person is totally right or totally wrong, and sometimes there is no compromise. You can work through these issues, but only if the two of you are in agreement on how to address such issues.
Good luck to you.
ditto all of this.
sounds like you want to play the martyr card about "suffering in silence" and that it's "your turn" to live near your family....maybe it's time to move somewhere away from BOTH families.
or grow up more before you get married and have kids.
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Does your FI get it that once you and he marry you and he are THE family???
You and he form your own family unit, comprised of the 2 of you --- and that means his mother father and siblings, etc as does yours take a back seat.
If he cannot get that, forget it -- and if he can't transcend the fact that YOU and he are a family and not his folks and siblings, very bad news.
I guarantee you that his mother and father and siblings will be at the center of all of your arguments if he does not willingly put them on a back burner.
Is this cultural?
if it is, you have an even bigger problem.
Put the wedding on hold until this problem is solved to your satisfaction....if he refuses to let go of his family and make you and himself a priority and FAMILY to your own, forget it. Like I said, RETHINK him if this is the story.
This with BIG RED FLAGS!!!
if she didn't, that's yet another red flag that she can't even talk to her FI about this issue.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thank you everyone for your comments, as much as it can sting to hear some things, I know a lot of it is true.
When I said I was family oriented, it means that in contrast to him I am. He really could care less about his family, I'm actually always the one who makes us stop and visit his parents, buys them gifts, etc. So moving away from them isn't a problem for him at all, and since it's not, I'm excited at the idea of being an hour from my parents and extended family instead of 5 hours. The reason we live up near them is that after college he moved back home, and since I'm two years after him, after college I decided to find a job up there since he was already working there. So living up there wasn't really about him being near his family, it was just how it happened.
My fiance and I have had many discussions about his mother, and he knows how I feel about her violating boundaries. At first he really truly couldn't understand why having her drop by would annoy me, but I think he understands better now and has actually had conversations about setting limits (like them having to knock before entering, which seems like such a tiny thing but it really was a big thing for me). Part of the problem is that when they violate some boundaries it's often only in front of me, not in front of him so in that instance he can't say anything. I'm a very shy person and I'm not good at confronting people, although I know it's something I have to work on. So, sometimes I feel like a nag when later in the night I have to tell him that his mother did this or that. It frustrates him because he has said things to them, but they do it anyway. This is a huge motivating factor for wanting to move away. We've been so close to them for four years that it will be a nice change of pace to be away from them and not four doors down from any sets of parents.
If you're not embarassed at your own naked body, I have a sweet solution for you. Start walking around the house naked. All. the. time. If the ILs show up unannounced again, scream bloody murder in all your naked glory at them the moment they walk in. You don't need to say anything, just. "AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaAAAeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!"
Guarantee they'll knock after that.
Or just tell your FI to grow a set and tell his parents they don't have a right to your apartment. If they don't agree because they're subsidizing your rent, then... guess what? Time to move. And move somewhere equidistant to both your families. You both have family attachment issues, so it's only fair.