Starting Over
Audg
member
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Update: had our 1st counseling session
Okay, so I posted for the 1st time last Friday how my DH has emotionally abandoned me since my 4yr son was born and also has cheated (which he denies)... we did the counseling thing for the first time on Saturday and I laid it all on the line. I basically told him and the therapist that I believe it may be too late to save the marriage and he acted like I was wasting his and the therapist's time. The therapist was very good tho at getting him to understand how his actions (or inactions rather) have led me to this point. He still denies any cheating tho..but I know he'll NEVER admit to any of it. So, the therapist said we have to go on a date night..whatever I want to do and then meet her again in 2 wks...I agreed but then got home and hid in my room and cried for an hour as I have NO desire to go out on a date with him. He hasn't brought it up thank God! I guess its time to be 100% honest with him and the therapist and tell him its over...there is no amount of therapy that will make me trust him or fall back in love again... this is the hardest part!!!! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!
Re: Update: had our 1st counseling session
That's a normal reaction, I asked myself the same thing repeatedly towards the end. My counselor said it's because I'd never treat anyone like he did me because I know how much it hurts. So they can write off our emotions but we just can't do it, we're not wired that way.
Good luck, it's a tough road ahead. A lot of us can assure you that one day soon you'll look back and realize you made the right decision and you are so much happier for it.
From what you are saying it sounds like you might be sending mixed messages, so I'm not really surprised that he is trying to act like everything is normal. It's not necessarily your fault, going through this whole process can be completely confusing. But going to counseling, agreeing to go on a date night makes it seem like you are interested in saving the marriage.
You need to be honest with everyone involved and just rip the band aid off and tell him what you really want. Being passive-aggressive (standing on the stairs and just looking at him and saying goodnight instead of saying why you didn't want to give him a hug) isn't going to help anything.
I know it is so hard to be honest when you feel all kinds of mixed emotions, but it will be better for everyone if you just get it over with.
We're kind of going out.
Audg - I am so sorry.
I tried the date night thing (after our first reconciliation) and all the conversation and "being together" just felt insincere.
Melinda - I know you are so right! I guess the TRUE hard part is getting up the courage to actually end it... Its hard when you don't know what the future holds, but I do know how miserable and unhappy I am now...so that's gotta be my inspiration.
We're kind of going out.
You have to be up front with him and the therapist. The therapist can't help you if you are holding back. If you feel more comfortable telling him in the company of the therapist I understand that, but maybe call and talk to the therapist beforehand and let him/her know what you are trying to accomplish and that you need help to get the information across to your husband.
It just sounds like you aren't clearly stating what you want. You say "I believe it may be too late to save our marriage" but you need to say "I've made the decision that I can no longer stay in this marriage and will be filing for divorce on such and such date".
You don't "owe" him anything.
I didn't read everybodies full responses but my inital thought was this:
Either be all in for trying to save it and do as requested and give it an honest try (and be honest in your sessions) OR... just say I'm done and don't "waste" their time if you aren't going to try or want to try when you are out of the office. He, however, is going to have to do the same.
best of luck in which ever road you opt to follow.
I have to ask I guess, how do you know that he cheated? Is it possible that he crossed boundaries he shouldn't have but didn't physically cheat? In which case he may believe himself he didn't cheat (even though I think we'd all call that cheating).
Personally I think the ramifications of divorce are so huge that before you go down that road I'd at least do 1 thing: both read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. If you both read that and share that with the therapist and he still doesn't get it that he's got to step up? then you have a decision only you can make but at least you can make it with a bit more information.
I found that book a) fantastic for me, and would have been if I'd decided to divorce b) a turning point for DH. I don't think we'd be married today without that book. Its just me but I decided that I should throw everything at it rather than wonder for the rest of my life if things could have been different.