Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
just HOW much time are you expected to spend with your in-laws?
I've been struggling with this since I got married, and I still don't have a solution. My H and I live 30 minutes from his family, and 8 hours from mine. I haven't seen most of my family since the wedding, which was 6 months ago. His family has events that they invite us to at least twice a week, sometimes more.
My husband feels obligated to go to everything that he can physically make it to. I think it's great that he's so committed to his family, but I have absolutely nothing in common with them, and hanging out with them is usually stressful and awkward for me. I actually dread it to be honest.
Birthdays are a huge deal to his family, so I do feel obligated to go to these, but what about everything else? I can tell my husband is not happy when I tell him I don't feel the need to go to every family event. It's something both of us are working to compromise on. But...just wanted to get a general concensus here on this forum. I know that when you get married two become one, and his family becomes my family, but is it ok if I turn down invitations just cause I don't want to be there, even if I have absolutely nothing else to do?
This is actually coming up because I am going to a tea with his mother tonight and taking off work to do this, and she just informed us that two of my H's aunts will be in town next week and she wants us to go to dinner twice next week with them. They don't come in town that often, but I will see them at Christmas. Am I a *** for not wanting to go?
Re: just HOW much time are you expected to spend with your in-laws?
Actual events (like birthdays), or requests to hang out/have dinner, etc? 2+ events a week sounds a little crazy.
This is a husband problem and a major one. He can't be everywhere for everyone. While it's great that he wants to spend time with his family, this doesn't bode well for when he has a family of his own. (I assume you don't have kids, but let me know if I"m wrong.)
I think that since you do live close to them that seeing each other once every other week (at the most) sounds reasonable. But it has to be on your terms. You probably shouldn't say no every time to maintain cordial appearances, but it is okay to say No. You don't have to give any reason. Just say you won't be able to make it.
That being said, if there's something going on that can't be done anytime (such as visiting someone coming in from out of town), you should probably make an effort to go, or invite the person over to your place.
You're absolutely not obligated to go. Just say, "Sorry, I can't make it this time" and leave it at that with no further explanation. Your H can go without you if he chooses, but he's being extremely unreasonable if he gets mad at you for not attending every single get-together with his family.
You're really taking time off work to go to a tea? Is this something important, or is it a "just because" outing? It's insane to take off work just to hang out with someone you see twice a week, so I hope you're not making this a habit.
It's not biitchy or wrong of you to want some time to yourself, or with your H, once in a while. It's not wrong of you to turn down an invitation once in a while - that's why it's called an "invitation" and not a "subpoena," since you always have the option to decline. "No" is not a dirty word. Start learning to use it.
If your in-laws have a problem with that, well, that's not YOUR problem. Reasonable people will understand that you can't attend everything, and if they are UNreasonable people who don't follow that mantra then it's not up to you to accommodate them. And if your husband gets mad at you for not jumping at their every command, then you guys have a problem and you need to work it out before you even START to worry about how his parents will react.
I would go to the birthdays, but that's about it.
My family live in the town next door. I see them about 1x per month! And that is fine with me! I go to birthdays, and if someone is doing something cool (running a 5K, getting an award, etc.).
there are no rules for declining an invitation. if you dont want to go-don't go.
your dh needs to get over it really. he can say yes for himself but should not assume that you want to go to every small dinner etc.. that htey have. have you made it clear to him about how you feel? i mean how you REALLY feel? he may be more supportive if you're honest about why you dont want to go.
I agree with others--there is no rule. I know people that are so close to their families that they would never think of moving away from them, and they see them almost every day. And it's great for them. Their spouses are just as happy with the arrangement.
I am not that social, I am an introvert. So I wouldn't want to see anyone that often. I barely want to see my husband every day! But I think it should be okay for your H to visit them when he wants, and for you to tag along only sometimes. If your H is not on board with that, I really think he is in the wrong.
There is no rule. We live near my family and we probably see them twice a week. H loves it though. If he had a problem with it, we would curtail it. Its an easy free dinner for us so why not?
However, if the situation was reversed, I wouldn't like 2 times a week.