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I'm about to do something...
... that could destroy my relationship with my father.
First: sorry I haven't been on here much, I've been in Europe more than I've been in NJ the last few weeks and work has been crazy. But I need to vent for a minute (sorry, it's very long). I may DD this later.
To give a little background: I haven't spoken to my father in a year. We were never close, but when I grew up we fell into a pattern where we'd call each other on our birthdays and talk a couple more times each year. Whenever he came up north (he lives in FL), he would call me to come meet him for dinner or something, and I saw him when I went to FL in 2009. The last time I spoke to him was when I called him on his birthday last year. He ignored my birthday in May, and has been to NJ several times to see my sister and never called me. Most recently I found out that last month he was visiting his wife's cousin 20 minutes from my house and didn't call me, even though we haven't seen each other since June 2010.
I'm 99% positive this stems back to his wife being upset about my wedding. I don't dislike per se, but his wife is a bit of a cold person and I have no closeness with her. She's never taken an interest in getting to know me. About a month before the wedding, my father reached out to me to see if I would include her in the wedding party. I said no, because I only wanted to have the people I am closest with included, and because putting her at the same level as my mom (who I am very close with) would have been a slap in my mother's face and upset her terribly. I offered for his wife to participate by say handing out the programs, but that wasn't good enough for her. I even looked up the etiquette at the time and it said that step-parents shouldn't expect to have a role in the wedding.
He kept giving me a hard time about it, including 5 minutes before I walked down the aisle!! Then a couple months after the wedding my father gave me this big lecture about how hurt "they" (meaning her) were. I said why - we're not at all close - and he said, but she's your family. Really? She might want to learn to spell my first name correctly then, or things like the name of the company I work for (there are countless other examples). All I can figure is that it made her look bad.
So, we didn't argue and he left it at "we're family and we need to work on our relationship". And... that's the last I heard from him. I'm sure it's because of her. She holds the strings BIG TIME in their marriage (case in point: he used to talk about how he never wanted to live in FL). She probably doesn't want him to see me or talk to me, so he doesn't. To me it's such a petty thing it's ridiculous, but it is what it is.
At this point, obviously my father does not know I am pregnant. We will be announcing it on FB in the next couple days, which is how he will find out. Specifically, since he is rarely on FB, he will probably find out when my uncle who is on there all the time calls him - which I'm sure will be embarrasing for him.
I figure this will go one of two ways; either he will call me to find out what's up and why I didn't tell him, and we'll talk it out, or he'll be so mad that it will be pretty much the nail in the coffin. I am still holding out hopes for the first option but am prepared for the latter. The whole thing just makes me sad. You would think with one daughter being terminally ill and another one (my other sister) who refuses to speak with him, he wouldn't want to give up our relationship over something as ridiculous as a wedding party but he is so whipped. I'm hoping that the baby announcement will make him wake up a little - but if it doesn't, that says a lot about his priorities.
Anyway, not sure if I'm looking for advice or what, it's just what's on my mind right now, and is taking away from what is otherwise a really exciting time in my life.
Re: I'm about to do something...
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This made me so sad for you. I am so sorry, and i wish that there was something that I could say that wold make you feel better, or lend some advice to the situation. Just know that you have other great people in your life that truly do care about you. I hope that this gives him the wake up call that he truly needs, but I am glad that you are prepared if it does not go that way.
I will be thinking about you, and sending you some hugs.
Lori (<--- see, I know how to spell it!), I'm really sad that this is putting a little rain cloud over such a happy thing in your life that you have wanted for so long! I hope that it is the wake up call your father needs, if that's what you want.
I'm going to be honest and offer another way to look at this - and I hope you don't take offense. It seems to me that your dad has already made a decision to be out of your life. I mean, being 20 minutes away from you and not calling? Not calling on your birthday?? That's pretty awful IMO. So, if he doesn't take this opportunity to know and love you, and his grandchild, then it's sort of just maintaining the status quo, you know? I guess I'm trying to say that in some sense you've already lost him (and I sooo hope you get him back!!!) but if he responds negatively, then I don't want you to go through feelings of losing him "again." Family is very important to me, too, and I know that the "we're family" card can get you pretty far, but unfortunately some people are just sh!theads and you have to let them go, even if they are family. If he hasn't been there for your sick sister, I just have a hard time imagining him jumping up and down and talking it out with you post- baby announcement.
Again I really hope this doesn't hurt your feelings, I just know (from experience) that sometimes if you can let go of the whole "I should love this person because they are family, and they should love me!" thing and grasp that they are crappy people, it makes it easier to deal with if it doesn't go well. And, you are so lucky to be close with your mom and sisters that you are rich with love no matter what. Let us know how it turns out. xoxoxo
Okay, my situation isn't even close to as difficult as yours, but I also have a father that is sometimes not there for his family at all. He cries about how much he loves us one minute, but won't make any effort to see any of us. I live literally 5 minutes away, and my other two sisters with all of their children live three hours away. He has never been to a baptism or birthday of his grandkids, can barely make the time to come across town to my house when my sisters are there, didn't come across town last year after I made the ENTIRE Thanksgiving dinner. He made my mom come alone. She also had to go alone to the family reunion. He has no job, and has not been employed full time since the day I was born. My parents are still married, and she makes excuses for him ALL the time!
Okay, last year when one of my sisters were down, he and I got into a huge fight. He refused to come over unless I apologized which was hilariously out of line for him to request that. However, I didn't want my nieces to miss out on the time with their grandpa, even if HE doesn't deserve it. So, I called and apologized to him and asked him to come back.
I say this as a piece of advice, you can take it or leave it. I think you should make one last chance to call him. Even leave a voice mail if you have to. Not that he, or especially she, deserves it in any way, but I just think that it would cause stress on you if it went bad, and you don't deserve that. This is one of those things that I think if you go about the Facebook way, it will cause a lot more stress on you and maybe even your sisters. Like I said, he really doesn't deserve any special treatment, but I think you would feel better about it if you called him to let him know privately before the Facebook announcement.
Rach, I actually think you hit the nail on the head and spelled it out better than I did. I guess I see this as his "last chance" with me. Honestly, he has broken my heart so many times and I ultimately don't want him to do the same with my child so I would rather he's not in his/her life at all. But, he really loves babies and small children so I'm curious to see how he handles this.
Although, I will correct you that he has been there for Shelly since she's been sick and has been to visit her a few times. But, she was always his favorite; he acts like she's pretty much his only child. Which is the foundation of the issues that my other sister and I have with him actually.
I wish I had some advice but I really don't but what I will say is that I'm a firm believer in treating people the way that they treat you. Now I know this standard doesn't always apply (i.e. I'm much nicer to EX than she is to me but that's only b/c of SD) but in you case I think it does.
When SD gets married I hope that I will be able to be involved in her wedding but I understand that I will take a back seat to her mother & I'm ok with that b/c that's the way it should be. It sounds like your stepmom is a real piece of work. She reminds me of the stepmom in the book (& movie) IN HER SHOES. That woman was horrible!
Another way to think about it is that you wouldn't want anyone to treat your child the way your Dad & Stapmom are treating you - so don't let them. You have the right to include or exclude whomever you wish from your life. Remember, you determine how you are treated and if your Dad & SM aren't up to the task then, unfortunately it may be time to step out of the relationship & hope he realizes what he's missing.
::HUGS::
I don't have any advice because I've never been in such a situation. But just wanted to offer you some ::hugs::
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I completely agree with Danie. Even if it only offers you a little comfort in knowing that you have done everything you could. Let us know what you decide - as long as you feel comfortable with your decision, then it's the right one.
And unfortunately, Rachel is right too about the fact that family just suckkks sometimes. When a family member doesn't want anything to do with your life, it is heartbreaking but there is not a whole lot you can do (I know from experience with my only sister). However, I know I sleep soundly at night because I've done everything I can to make the situation better and not intentionally cause anyone harm or hard feelings. It just suckkks so much when problems like this put a damper on the wonderful moments in life. Sorry you have to be dealing with this , but it's obviously his loss to not be around for you (I know that's cliche, but true, especially now)
Big hug and good luck with whatever happens
So my Dad had a very similar situation with his Father that you are having with yours. Long story short, my Dad's Stepmother was the b*tch from hell and completely changed my grandfather. My Dad (and Aunt) did not speak to my grandfather for almost 10 years, despite much persistence on both my Dad and Aunt's part. My Dad and Grandpa (and me) are all very stubborn people.
Fast forward to about 6 or 7 years ago. My grandfather divorced stepmother from hell and realized he was being a cranky old man. and made up with my Dad. It actually took me a lot longer to forgive him (again, I get my stubbornness from him) but eventually I did.
November of 2009 my grandfather passed away and my Dad still talks about how he wished he had made up with him sooner rather than later. My Dad and Grandfather were extremely close in the last years of his life (talking almost every day) and were very close when my Dad was growing uip.
I know that your dynamic is a little different because both of you HAVEN'T been as close, but I feel like it might be best to try to reach out to him. There are reasons why they are called evil stepmothers. I think the way your father is acting is very unfortunate but I think you shouldn't let the evil stepmother get in the way of your relationship with your Dad and your Dad's relationship with his grandchild.
If I were you I would call him and tell him about the baby now and not let him find out secondhand. Use this amazing opportunity to try to rekindle your relationship with your Dad. I'm sure you won't regret it.
Sorry if I sounded overly sappy...
Aaaaaaaaand now I'm going to go back to paying attention in class. lol
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First of all, *HUGS*, my heart is breaking for you that you have to deal with something so happy and so sad at the same time. You are a very generous person to be so torn in a situation like this. I was going to offer very similar advice as Danie. I think there is a way to call someone's cell and have it go directly to voicemail (my friend had to do this with her mom because of a huge fight). You could say something as simple as: "I am disappointed in our lack of communication. Just wanted to let you know that I am expecting." - then there is no finger pointing about facebook etiquette, etc.
Good luck! I'm so excited for you to announce
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First and foremost I am sending you a HUGE hug because I can't imagine anyone having to go through this. I have heard of these types of situations from many people, where they lose out on a relationship with a parent because the step parent is so selfish and domineering. It's a shame. I realize the spouse comes first, but there's no reason anyone should stop a relationship with their kids and grandkids, nor should anyone stop their spouse from having said relationshp. It's just not right.
These last 8 months have felt like a million years that my dad has been gone and I'd give my right arm to have him back. Because he passed so suddenly, knowing what I know now - that life can end in the blink of an eye - I would be afraid of making a move that I might regret in the future.
Of course you are going to do as you see fit; but [personally] I would call and tell him the news only because I never believed in family finding things out - especially big news like this - on facebook. By doing that you will at least know that you made the attempt to salvage the relationship (if you so choose); once the ball is in his court you will learn where things stand on his end and you can move on with your life whether he chooses to be a part of it or not.
Good luck!!!
Hey Lori, just wanted to say that I feel for you and wish you didn't have to struggle with this. I would just say, if you have it in you, maybe take the high road and give him one more chance. At least then you know it was him destroying the relationship and he won't have any grounds for faulting you for leaving him in the dark. Somewhat like what Cindy said, you don't want to look back and regret how *you've* handled things. And maybe, just maybe, knowing a grandchild is on the way may soften him up a little.
But whatever you do, we're here for you. Good luck, and a HUGE hug from me too!
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Lori I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, and as Rach said have this cloud over such a happy time in your life. I agree a lot with Rach's post, and with Danie that giving it that one last chance so you don't regret it later. This is a huge thing in your life having a baby, and I think it would be worthwhile to test those waters one last time.
My only personal experience is through my mom with her father. He was NOT a nice man and so selfish. My mom moved out when she was 16 with her grandma bc he said if she didn't do this or that she could "shape up or ship out". Nice huh. (my grandmother died when my mom was 5, and my mom was by no means a trouble maker, she went to school and cooked and cleaned their house) My mom really did not have a relationship with him after that, until after I was born and she had colon cancer. He was the same jerk of a guy and at least she knew she had no regrets when she moved on. That was her "last chance" for him. She didn't communicate with him for the rest of her life, another 20 years, and he actually passed away 4 days after my mom did.
Good luck and I hope things go how you want and if they don't, realize he's the parent and should be the "adult" and he'll be the one missing out. We are all totally here for you anytime you need us! :::hugs:::
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I completely understand what everyone is saying about telling your dad so that you feel like you would have no regrets and really did put in all the effort. If that is what you decide to do then that is great. However I can see reasons to not do that. I have been a doormat my entire life, and just really recently I have started working (really slow steps) to not be that way anymore. I have always done "the right thing" and at some point it just tears at you too much and hurts too much. At some point you feel so used, and there is a time (not necessarily this time, that is totally up to you, and I do not know if you have crossed the line yet or not to feeling like this) where you really have to give the other person that final chance to make the effort, to really open their eyes.
Does he have any idea how much he has hurt you, does he have any idea how close he is to no longer being in your life, and therefore his grandchild life? If you always make that one last effort to allow him the opportunity to change, he will eventually learn that you will always be there for him weather he changes or not. He will never make any real effort, and never be there when it matters to you, just when it is convenient for him.
Maybe I am just projecting some of my own issues here, and honestly, I have no idea if I would tell him or not in this situation. Only you know how bad the situation is, and what is truly called for here. The other girls have given some really good advice, and I am kind of in left field over here, giving the perhaps wrong or passive aggressive advice.
I do somewhat like the idea of leaving a voice message saying something like you are not sure that he truly deserves this because of the hurt that he has caused you, but you decided to tell him before the news went public.
(((hugs)))