Family Matters
Love to scrapbook!
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Let's sum up all IL problems in one post.
It seems like everyone has IL problems, so how about if we pre-answer all the questions in one post? Feel free to add your answers.
- You and your DH are a team. Once married, you are family and your marriage comes first, not what your ILs want.
- Don't give your ILs a key to your house.
- To keep things as easy as possible, your DH needs to discuss any problems with his family. When you try to do it, no matter how nice you are, you will be seen as an interfering beyotch.
- Your ILs may not like you for whatever crazy reason. Shrug it off, be pleasant when around them and be the bigger person.
- The person who gives the money will always demand a say in how it's spent. If your ILs give or loan you money, they will interfere and try to have control over how you spend it it.
- If you are always mad at your ILs about something they did, you and DH need to come up with a solution together and he needs to discuss it with them.
- The longer you wait to resolve an issue, the worse it gets, the more your ILs think it's okay, the angrier you get, and tension continues to build between you and your DH. Nip it in the bud.
- You treat others how to treat you. If you let things go with your ILs without addresing them, you are teaching your ILs that the behavior is okay.
- Most of all, you probably don't have an IL problem, you have a DH problem because he's too scared or gutless to stand up to his parents/family.
- You can't change other people's behavior. You can only change how you respond to it.
Love to scrapbook!
Re: Let's sum up all IL problems in one post.
Amen.
I would also add to #1.: If you have children, you and your husband, as their parents, get to decide all aspects of their life - food, discipline, sleeping times, clothing and toys. Your ILs had their chance to raise a child. Now it is yours.
To Add to the List:
What if your IL's fight with you, and vent to DH about every single thing that bothers them about you? Or what if they don't agree with the way you were raised, or are raising your child and make it known?
You continue to be nice, you and your DH privately discuss it, your DH supports you, and your DH speaks to his parents about the issue and tells them that he loves and supports you.
Nest vomit removed.
The Princess of Anything is Coming!
Had a dream I was queen.
Woke up. Still queen.
Ruh roh. MIL has keys to our house! My marriage is DOOOOOOMED!
(She lives 3+ hours away from us and stays in our spare room when she visits her parents who are in a nursing home in our town, so she just sort of comes and goes while she's there. But we always have warning when she'll be staying)
The Princess of Anything is Coming!
Had a dream I was queen.
Woke up. Still queen.
* Say thank you and act grateful when you accept money, gifts or favors from your ILs. Even when you didn't "ask" for it. People like to be thanked when they do you a favor and they really like to be included in things as they move forward. If you are not willing to do this, decline politely or return whatever is given quickly.
Don't look for things to be offended about. You'll find them, even if they exist only in your head.
Different isn't wrong, it's just different from you.
Rarely is conflict a one-way street. Look at your own behavior as well. Have you really always been in the right and your ILs always in the wrong? Doubtful.
Annoying isn't the same thing as toxic. People annoy you all the time and you figure out how to deal with it. Your ILs aren't perfect, and neither are you.
Move #9 to #1. Highlight in red, underline and bold.
Also...
"Exercise caution when friending in-laws on Facebook."
90% of the "I HATE MY ILs" posts are actually husbands-with-no-balls problems and not really MIL/FIL problems.
lol
Don't feel compelled to be "one big, happy family" with your ILS. You married their son, not them, so don't get upset when MIL and her daughter go out and don't include you.
You don't need to "manage" your IL relationships. If your H generally ignores his mom when she calls, attempts to micromanage your life, etc, unless she is hurting you (vs. annoying you), resist the temptation to "give her a piece of your mind." (I say this in cases when she "demands" you do things, but dh just ignores her and doesn't cave to her demands, not when he is the problem and runs to do her bidding).
Ditto this.
Although no one should be keeping a tally of how many visits, holidays, time spent together, etc. each side of the family gets - you also don't want one side to feel slighted or favored over the other.
I feel as though I need to print this up and frame it. Well said!!!!
Awww, thanks!
Or, make it at sticky at the top of the Family Matters board, and when anyone asks for advice about problems with their ILs, just say, "read the sticky."
Good Idea.
Since the Holidays are around the corner and this board always gets the same Holiday questions, here ya go.
1. It is your Holiday too. If you don't want to drive all of the state trying to see everyone, you don't have to. You can spend YOUR holiday however the both of you please. You can go on a vacation, you can host the holiday or you can simply stay at home and watch movies and order chinese food.
2. If you do decide to visit family, think of it as splitting time not between two familes but three. As previously mentioned you and your husband are your own family and the most important one. Schedule your own time together first and arrange everone else's celebrations aroud your schedule. Besides I think it is very healthy for couples to establish their own traditions.
3. Absolutely do not let yourself fall into the trap of being treated like a commodity. Don't let one parent say " Well you spent 5 hours at their house so now you have to spend 5 hours at ours" or " well that time didn't count because you didn't have dinner with us" or my favorite " well you spent 4 hours with his mom and 4 hours with his dad so that means you have to spend 8 hours with us." This is the worst trap you can fall into and will make both of you miserable. IF one of your parents start this crap, nip it in the bud immediately.
4. You don't have to celebrate the holidays on that exact day. Try to celebrate the wekeend before and possibly around New Years.
Or, well, no, it wouldn't. Because everyone thinks they're different (and they usually are) and most times, the problem isn't finding the answer, it's identifying the problem. Hm.
Thanks for posting this! This basically sums up the relationship I have with my IL's. This advice is great! Gives me something to work on