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WWYD for Thanksgiving...VERY LONG!
Every year for as long as I can remember my family gets together at my great-Aunts house for Thanksgiving. That's the usual gathering place for all of my Dad's famil every holiday. We have dinner pretty early and then we all go our seperate ways to visit other family and IL's and then back to Aunts for dessert and games. I feel a bit uncomfortable about going this year bc I had a situation with my cousin who I was extremely close with and haven't spoken to her since May 10th. There is a bit of a backstory, so here it goes...
On May 14th last year my cousin called me to tell me that her and her FI picked May 14, 2011 for their wedding day. Which happened to be my dad's birthday so she asked if I thought he would care, I said NO WAY! She was always his fave niece and there was no way in the world he would get upset over it...she then proceeded to tell me how she wanted me to be in her wedding...and I said YES! OF COURSE! So excited! So in June the dresses were bought, all the details were starting to come together.
Then in August, I found out I was pregnant. So after we told our parents, I immediately called her and said I totally understand if you want me out of the wedding party. This was totally an unplanned pregnancy but we were ecstatic. I was more concerned telling her then anyone! The wedding was 2 weeks after my due date and over 2 hours away. So I made it clear that babies can be late, (I was 3 weeks) and things can happen...so there is a good chance I won't be able to make it. I should have just dropped out but I couldn't do that to her. She said no way, even put on her knot website "no matter if T makes it or not she will be a part of the wedding!"
Through the whole pregnancy I went through all the steps of being a bridesmaid...bridal shower, bachelorette party and everything. I was her only family member in the wedding party so sometimes I put a little extra effort into the planning, but I didn't care bc my whole life she was one of my role models. I Found out at 33 weeks that the baby was SUPER BIG and they were going to give me C, around 39 weeks. I called her right away and let her know I probably wouldn't make it. I was so banking on a regular delivery, I was devastated it was not going to be any longer. People kept telling me about the recovery and to take it easy. So I figured there was no way I was making it!
The day we brought G home from the hospital was Easter Sunday. She happened to be visiting her grandmother and stopped by with my dress and one of my gifts for being in the bridal party. She bought us shoes. Needless to say, I said "OH D, I can't accept them if I am not going to be there." She said, "Well u might change ur mind!" Later that week she texted me and said asked "have u changed ur mind" I said "unfortunately, no" then went into the whole sister thing (My baby sister dies of SIDS) and how I watch G's every breath, and I couldn't be that far away at less then 3 weeks old...god forbid something happened. She said ok, I figured I would send her gift with my family on their wedding day...give her a call and send a picture of the baby saying I'm sure she is the most beautiful bride ever! Have a wonderful day...wish we could be there. Needless to say, two more times I got texts within the next week before the wedding saying " have u changed ur mind?" Yet, I responded with the same response as before. She never called me and asked me...just texted so thats how i responded.
DH wanted to get me out of the house (a few nights before the wedding) and my parents came over to watch G for the hour we were gone (i was horrible...and i called home twice)! He took me to a friends around the corner where we met up with our camping club and I got to see everyone that I hadn't seen in a few weeks. When I got home..I posted on fb how awesome it was to see everyone and get out for a bit. BIG MISTAKE on my part...big cousin blew up! She wrote on my fb about how could i go there and not her wedding. So not thinking ( nor did i care at that point) i responded with my usual text. Saying the same things about G and not wanting to leave her side. Then she blasts me on her fb, and so do the other bridesmaids for airing my feelings and making her look bad. She called me the next day and left me a message saying "It's not fair that since G has been born everyone only cares about her and no one cares about my wedding any more"
That was the end of any "I feel bad for her" feelings! I was not trying to ruin her day, she just wouldn't take no for an answer as far as my attending. Since then I have tried to correspond with her...and NOTHING! She has ignored me and anything I send her about G, including our well wishes on her wedding day. I deleted my fb for over a month after that...got a phone call from a family member saying that D posted a fb status about me.... D claims on her status that I was jealous of her being on stage with Tiffany & Debbie Gibson on national tv and thats why i don't want to see her fb, and then claimed in her comments to her friends that I am the one that needs psychological help and I'm trash that she is throwing out of her life! She then called our aunt and told her I deleted her from my fb, and so I guess T wants to delete me from her family. Start the pity party!!!
Since then I have heard nothing, and said nothing. Her words have really hurt me and I don't know if I can be around her, and I definitely don't think she deserves to know my really awesome daughter. She said some really mean things that can never be taken back, she has missed the first six months of my daughters life....and regardless of what she thinks, I am extremely proud that she is living her dream of singing backup for her childhood idol!
SOOOO...what would you????
TIA!
Sorry it's so long...This has just been bothering me!
Re: WWYD for Thanksgiving...VERY LONG!
I wouldn't do anything except be polite when you see each other at family reunions. If she wants to hash it out in front of everyone at the party, tell her that you'd be happy to talk to her about it privately (and that you have tried to make contact with her to no avail). Don't allow yourself to be in the middle of a scene. Walk away before that happens.
There's a difference between going to someone's house for an hour (was it literally 60 minutes?) and standing up all day in a wedding. If she can't see that, that's not your problem.
My advice? Aim for the latter. Be civil and polite to her, but ignore her as best you can. Don't worry about where she is, who she's talking to, if she's giving you dirty looks or not. Focus on you, your DH, and your baby and enjoy yourselves.
Seriously. Don't give her the power here.
And as thesweetfight said, if SHE tries to start anything, stay calm and say "This isn't the time or place for this" and walk away. Dont' get involved in her crap.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This sounds incredibly dramatic and childish on her part, but you didn't really help matters by doing all this over texts. Plus the Facebook post was a mistake as you've said. Lesson learned - pick up the phone and call someone next time there's a big issue, and keep personal stuff off Facebook. And/or block the drama queens or restrict what they can see on your wall.
Anyway, she needs to understand that she couldn't force you into being her bridesmaid. And that there's a big difference between a short night out and being in a wedding all day. If she's still steamed over a silly argument that was her fault in the first place, not to mention a silly argument that happened several months ago, and that has no place in post-wedding life (who served as her bridesmaids, I mean), then she's a ridiculous and childish drama queen and you're never going to reason with someone as unstable as that.
Go to the regular Thanksgiving party and be polite to her if you come in contact with her. Smile and ask how she's doing. If she wants to throw a hissy fit then that's HER problem, not yours. Just say, "Sorry you feel that way," and walk away. Don't argue with her, don't try to make her feel better, don't engage with her. Walk away. Do it as often as necessary. As long as you keep yoru cool and don't argue with her, the rest of the family will see what a nut she is. You shouldn't have to skip out on a family holiday just because she's acting like a whiny baby.
if you want her to dictate the rest of your family get-together lives then dont go.
if you want to go for the holiday then go. say NOTHING about it. be polite and cordial and stay away from her.
you'll be fine.
OP, your daughter is beautiful!
I wanted to let you know that I can very much relate to your situation. I was in a very similar situation myself, only, I was the Bride...
I asked my SIL (my Brother's wife) to be a BM in our wedding & she accepted. She got PG with our niece shortly after and when she was 2 mos along, she resigned her spot as BM. Her due date was a month before our wedding, but, seeing as babies are unpredictable, I understood where she was coming from.
Now, I have to point out the part in your post that I highlighted because I was very impressed by it. You still "acted" as thought you were a member of the bridal party and more importantly, family, by partaking in all of the special events prior to your cousin's wedding. My SIL did none of these things.
When my bridal shower + bachlorette party rolled around, she didn't come. She also planned her baby shower for the very next weekend after my shower & because the dates were so close together & I was using PTO for my own festivities, I was unable to attend hers along with the majority of my family.
Don't get me wrong - I am by no means saying that you plan things around someone, BUT, it would've been nice if the thought was there. My shower was planned for 3 mos ahead of time & hers was planning 2 weeks before - so it was hard to change around schedules/plans for people to attend. Her & my brother live 3 hrs away, so myself & family would have to travel for her shower & need time off from work which was hard to swing given the notice.
Anyway, SIL had a C-section with niece a month before our wedding. My dad & I got into a huge argument leading up until my wedding about stupid, little things and one was the guest list. He insisted on inviting SIL's parents so that they could help with the niece (of course assuming they would all attend the wedding) & I didn't think it was necessary to have my Brother's IL's at my wedding when mine weren't at his. SIL & her parents both ended up declining our invite.
I was hurt & still am to this day because not only was SIL not there, which, I could understand, but moreso how she handled everything. She wasn't proactive from the beginning with me as I was with hers & my brother's wedding. To this day, I didn't want my hurt feelings to stir up SIL or my brother, so I have remained silent.
I thought that was thoughtful how you STILL were very much a part of your cousin's big day, even if that meant that you could not be there for the actual day.
My point is, there are some people that no matter what you do, you will never please. You could bend over backwards & put your needs/feelings aside for them & they will never do the same for you.
I agree with the PP's in saying to still attend Thanksgiving dinner at your Aunt's house and if she's rude to you - that's her issue. Don't punish yourself - you handled things the right way. Besides, you have tried since the wedding many many times to clear things up between the two of you & she doesn't want contact. You can only control your actions - not hers.
I'm just confused about the part about you telling her babies are late and you said (I was 3 weeks) but if you delivered at 39 weeks then you were a week early. Sounds like to me you kind of set her up to believe that you would be there if the baby came early, but not if it came late.
Can you acknowledge her disappointment and ask if you can move on.
I would not give her that much power. You might try approaching her to say hello, but if she is cold to you....there are plenty of other relatives who will be more than willing to talk with you and meet your (adorable!) baby.
And after Thanksgiving, stop trying. You might mail her a Christmas card, but stop making overtures.
DH's sister "stopped speaking to us" at one point. We kept trying and trying to reconcile, and she wouldn't give us the time of day. Finally, we moved on with our lives and stopped inviting her to things. What do you know? That's when she "realized she made a MISTAKE" (over the course of three years....) and attempted to patch things up.
Sorry, maybe I should have made it a bit more clear. My mom's due date was May 14th and I was born June 2nd. Yes, in the beginning we talked like there may be a possibility I would attend just for church but like I said...the day I came home from hospital I told her that would not be possible.
What ECB said is exactly how I feel, too. Don't give her the power to ruin your Thanksgiving. If she reacts badly to seeing you, it's on her. It's her responsibility, just as her reaction to your not being able to be at her wedding is on her. What you can do? Be polite, cordial, but don't get into the issue. Concentrate on the things that make you happy and that you're grateful for (isn't that the point of Thanksgiving, after all?).
Thank you very much! She is my world!
I have since sent her pictures and an invitation to Gia's baptism and have heard nothing at all. I do plan on sending her a Christmas card, but after that if there is nothing I can't see me sending anything else.
Thank you for sharing your story, sorry you had to go through that. For me it was very important to be a huge part of everything else, especially since there was a possibility I wasn't going to make the "Big Day".
Thank you very much for all of your advice so far! We will definitely be attending dinner with our daughter and will enjoy ourselves and our family! I didn't want to upset or offend anyone by not showing up and of course starting any issues at dinner. There is a time and place and that is definitely not there. The thought crossed my mind many times to have our own Thanksgiving, but I know that would upset a lot of people. We spend many holidays at this same house (Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas) so we shall see how it goes.
I know that she was upset bc she had originally 6 bm's and kicked one out around October, so then when I couldn't make it...It made her bridal party look akward in her photos for her "Royal Wedding" (that's what she called it). As a PP said, it is ironic. After the wedding, and her reaction, I felt as if I was only needed there as part of the show not because she really wanted me to be there. The birth of my daughter affected no one elses attendance at her wedding. Yet, she supposedly kept telling people that No one from our family was going (my parents or brother) bc Gia was born. She even said to my mom, the day I came home from the hospital, "The Hotel hasn't received your reservation yet, is there a reason?" My mom had made her reservation over a month before that and got all panicky and ran home and got her reservation form with the confirmation...only to later find out that she told someone else she was just testing to see who was really coming. Just childish behavior I don't have time for. I spent too many days upset over this since then.
Do you miss her? Take this as an opportunity to start repairing the bridge between the two of you. It is real easy to be a right fighter and you may be completely justified in being upset and angry, but it sounds as if the reason both of you are so hurt is because she wanted you there and was hugely disappointed when you could not make it, and you are angry at her because she was not understanding and happy for you that you had just given birth. Two major events happened in both of your lives and you wanted the other person to share in them, and because they didn't both of you are hurt.
When people get mad they say things they don't mean, you know that, I am sure that she was just lashing out on FB and said a lot of things she probably wishes she could take back. She should have been understanding about you not being able to be in her wedding, but she was disappointed and hurt and that on top of the stress of planning a wedding it probably just amplified the situation.
Don't throw years of friendship over this, she may not know your daughter but Thanksgiving would be a good time to introduce her. It will not be as easy for her to ignore you when you are standing in front of her, let her see the sincerity in your eyes and I am sure it will warm her heart.
I really hope you two make amends, good friends are rare and it sounds like you two care a lot for each other. Good Luck
I gotta ask - how old is she? Is that typical behvavior, or was she in some sort of Bridezilla mode?
If that's typical, I wouldn't bend over backwards to have a relationship with someone like that.
Am I crazy, you're talking abou thte day you were born? You had the baby right, you aren't the baby...I think I'm delusional and clearly missing something as everyone else seems to get it...I 'll keep reading
OP I was right on board with all the previous posters until I got to the very end of your post where you mentioned how this cousin doesn't deserve to meet your awesome daughter and how you are so hurt that this woman missed the first 6 months of your daughter's life and ect. That, to me, is kind of over-the-top and sounds a little crazy. This issue is between you and your cousin and the events surrounding her wedding. Knowing or not knowing your daughter really shouldn't come in to play.
And this is a little frank, but most people just don't care that much about other people's babies. I mean, when my friends and relatives give birth, I am very happy and excited for them, but there really aren't a lot of meaningful relationships forged with newborns in those first so many months - unless those are with their parents. Focus on the relationship between your cousin and yourself, and for the time being, leave your daughter out of it. She is beautiful and very cute, but probably shouldn't be the focus of this issue.
She was 30 at the time of the wedding. She's always been about herself and who will do for her. Granted she has done some for me, but I don't want to compare. I know what I have done for her, and I hope she was grateful.
I don't want to say that exact action is typical, but similar situations come to mind when she doesn't think she's gonna get her way and tries to manipulate things. I don't want to blame in the spoiled, bratty, never been told no only child thing....but heck a few family members have even said, "I think you were the first to say no to her!"
Nope you are not, I'm still trying to grasp it. I have no idea what her mother being 3 weeks late has to do with her, her baby and the wedding!!!
She was just figuring that if she was born after the due date then perhaps she like her mother would carry past term. Her doctor should have told her that they rarely (if ever) let a woman carry 43 weeks. You cannot predict when they come, and she should have just bowed out instead of letting her cousin keep pushing her to be a part of the wedding.
Is the hosting Aunt the cousin's mother?
yes and yes.
I get that she's picking apart your reasons to decline her wedding. But you're saying that you have a newborn and can't attend the wedding, right? That's the whole deal?
And then she goes BSC? How's that youre problem? Even a little?
After reading the bolded, it's apparent that she's just a ridiculous person altogether. She's actually a complete @ss. I guess she didn't get the memo that you choose bridesmaids based on the people closest to you, not who can do the most for you or to make your pictures even.
OP- Go to whatever family events you want. I honestly can't imagine this woman being a positive influence in your life.
Thank you...you are very right. I should have just bowed out! What I meant when I said that was there is always a possibility of carrying past term, using my mothers experience as an example. I knew that they would not let me go 2 weeks past my due date. I was using this as an example of why she may not want me in the bridal party, and she knew from the beginning there was a very good chance I wouldn't make it for the whole day.
No, the host is her grandmother and my dad's aunt
I understand where you are coming from, but our family always has been extremely close. I grew up on 6 acres next to my moms sister and brother and their families. After G was born our house was an Open House and full of family and friends, and we loved every moment. Some people think it's crazy, but what can I say...I love my crazy family! Like I said D and I were always very close and I considered her one of the people I looked up to. She was so (supposedly) stoked about the baby's arrival that the week before she called and said "Can Baby N (We were team green) call me Aunt D?" so when she didn't acknowledge her after her wedding, or the christening invite for that matter I was just through. Also, not sure if you read all the posts but she kinda made me feel like she resented my daughter bc she was the reason I couldn't be there.
You are right...if there is something to mend, my daughter isn't going to be involved. It's between me and her, but at this point I don't know if I can ever be that close with her.