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Establishing boundries - inspired to make a list
It's been over 3 months since stbxh formerly announce he wanted a divorce. Following this announcement I was in pain from heartbreak and in shock. We still live together and I so can't wait for him to move out so I can move on and enjoy being home in peace. I don't know why it took me awhile but I finally got on my feet and told him that staying here was no longer okay. Since he chose to leave the marriage, it was his mess to clean up. I also got the paperwork to separate our joint bank accounts as well. He seems totally taken aback and got defensive but yet he affirmed that I was correct for taking action on this.
He is dragging his feet because he is scared and never had to start over on his own before (some men can be babies ugh...) He is really pushing me to my limit on establishing boundaries. I think I am going to start a list of what my boundaries are with him but also for my future relationships and friendships. I think I have let people walk all over me in the past and I am determined to change that.
Was establishing boundaries intuitive for you or did some of you had to rethink and recreate them?
Re: Establishing boundries - inspired to make a list
I think you should make the list for YOURSELF, but not show it to him.
TELLING people about your boundies is a waste of time. ESTABLISHING boundries and enforcing them is what you need to do. So don't read off your list "you may not tell me about any dates you have...." Instead, if he tells you he is going out with a girl, tell him "Why the f*ck are you telling me this? I'm not your friend. Talk to someone else."
Yes I agree, the list is indeed for myself and not to show him or tell him. It is something I wanted to do to make myself stronger in the case confrontation arises again in the future and I am mentally prepared.
Establishing boundaries for both current and future relationships is a good idea. Write it down. We often have posts about "dealbreakers" or "red flags" or "things we won't ignore next time" and writing it out is a good way to ensure that you don't make the same mistakes next time.
What kind of boundaries are you thinking for your STBXH now? Things like, not letting him talk about dating other people and not allowing him to treat you like crap (he can do his own laundry and cleaning/cooking now) are good places to start. Care to share what you were thinking?
It sounds like you're getting to a better place by preparing yourself to be emotionally strong. Keep it up!
Good for you!
I will ditto the others - having boundries and enforcing boundries are two different things. I think the list helps. If you are feeling stepped on, you can go back, read your list, and then come back to stbx and say "sorry, this won't work for me."
I'm not sure if your stbx cheated, but surviving infidelity has a lot of affirmations about this. Such as "sorry, you fired me from that job" (meaning, it is not the stbx's spouse's job to....make birthdays special, remind them of important meetings and deadlines, etc.)