Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I finally realiize that I married a narcissist.....now I'm sad.
I am developing lots of resentment towards my husband. He's not he person fell in love with. we've been married with no kids for 3 years, but i've known him for 10 plus years.
I spend all these years giving in to him and catering to everything he wanted. But I never get anything in return. He bought a wedding band and promise to eventually get me an engagement ring and still to this day nothing. he works for himself and makes good money.
I dislike him a lot right now.We were thinking of starting a family and now i can't stand to be near him. He is a very selfish man who keeps all money separate from mine. When it comes to bills he insist on everything being 50/50.
Re: I finally realiize that I married a narcissist.....now I'm sad.
Has anything changed since April?
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/52003505.aspx
What are you looking for here exactly?
Did you ever go talk to a therapist?
If you can't stand to be near him, why are you hanging around?
What happened to cause this dislike or is it something that has been building up for the past 10 years and you just now recognized it?
Have you discussed with him what you want/need from a relationship?
Then go to therapy for yourself and your therapist will help you find the strength to walk away.
He refuses to see a therapist because he doesn't think there is a problem, however you KNOW there's a problem--since he refuses to work to fix it, that is your sign that it's time to bail.
You resent him and don't even want to look at him, what reason do you have to stay?
I'm worried about what friends and family will think. He is never going to change he is impossible. He knows what I want from this relationship and have always known but he chooses not to give it to me.
If you really believe he's a narcissist, then get out. Even if he did agree to counseling, it probably wouldn't help.
What you wrote reminded me of a guy we used to be friends with. Emphasis on USED to be. We all coddled him, did what he wanted, etc, for YEARS. There were things we liked about him, but over time - it all just got to be too much and we all realized that we weren't getting anything in return and that it was just too much work.
he (and his wife) were basically "ousted" from our friend group. It took a long time to get there, but now that he's gone from our lives, we all feel a certain sense of relief and a HUGE lack of stress. It's been wonderful....
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
The previous post was mostly focused on therapy for YOURSELF.
Narcissists generally can't be helped but therapy can be vital to recovering from the effects of dealing with one.
If you don't have the courage and strength to walk away now, please start with therapy on your own. If your H is "against it," tell him you're joining the Hare Krishnas too, and he'll just have to pick his battles.
FTR he's against it because at the root of narcissism is a crippling but unrecognized insecurity. So you're really unlikely to make any headway with him on this. All the more reason to either go against his wishes or, better yet, just head out the door and don't look back (after talking to an attorney of course).
For one, I'll bet you a LOT of them are going to think "what took you so long?", and secondly, if some don't support you in leaving, then I have to question the kind of friend or family they are.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Is there anyone IRL that you can go to for support? Why don't you try going to therapy for yourself? That can help you to build your resolve to make yourself happy.
eta: Remember that you can't change anyone but yourself. You can't change your husband, his beliefs, or his behavior. You can only change how it affects you.
What do you think they are going to think? I bet you most of them know he's an azz already. I know it's scary, but you are way past knowing you need to get out. Just do it already.
You have to choose to make yourself happy and divorce or make you friends and family happy and stay married and be miserable.
This is what I was thinking. Who cares what they think? Do you want to spend the rest of your life in a marriage you're miserable being a part of just so your friends and family don't have some negative thought about it? Like ECB said, what kind of friends and family do you have that they'd chastise you for leaving an unhappy marriage?
My friends and family have no idea what this guy is really like. He never wants to go down and visit my family. He never calls my parents to say hello. I've have painted a perfect picture of him to everyone.
I think I was desperate to have a baby that I was willing to stay. But it just keeps getting worst everyday.
I tried opening up to my sister once and she said that if he man doesn't cheat on you, beat or verbally abuse you then what's the problem. In public he is very charming and people adores him.His family loves him even though. the other he made his mother cry and I know my MIL can be a pain but making her cry over something stupid.
he said to meonce that he gives me everything that I want and I'm just not satisfy because its not good enough. But that's not true, I'm not satisfy because I have to ask for things repeatedly, arguments and threaten to leave in order for me to get them. So when i finally get something from him it takes away the joy of having it. Does that makes sense?
Nothing here makes sense other than you seem to think you're in some kind of holding pattern when in fact you're actually circling the drain.
You don't think your family has noticed his scarcity? Print out or forward the Wiki article on Narcissistic Personality Disorder if they have any unanswered questions after you notify them that you're leaving.
As for your moronic sister, she obviously has her own problems so see who else you can find for support. Barring that, tell her what she can do to support you (listen, don't be judgmental), and tell her what you don't need (her advice).
Again, and I'm not sure why there is zero uptake for this idea from you, a professionally qualified therapist can provide lots of valuable support to you as well, to enhance the support you seek from your friends and family.
This.
I was with a verbally abusive man, and though I knew the right thing to do, I needed to talk it through. I wouldn't be in as good of a place as I am right now without therapy.
Go directly to therapy. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
Trust me, I am sure they see through your lies about him. Especially with the other stuff ur told about him.
I'm sure they all think he's an azzhole. You were blinded by love, but I'm sure everyone was thinking "God, why is she marrying that narcissistic jackhole?!".
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I'm guessing they already think he's a donkey, based on the fact that he can't be bothered with them. "Perfect picture" story or no.
He's a manipulative jerk. And OF COURSE he doesn't believe in therapy - then someone might call him out for being a manipulative jerk and try to make him own his behavior! Go see a counselor yourself, and tell him to go screw.
No. Those people are there to provide you spiritual guidance and/or settle theological disputes. You're dealing with an azzhole husband and potentially a lack of support system.
By all means talk to your spiritual advisor if you need spiritual guidance. But for psychological issues, you need to talk to a qualified professional.
Many will work on a sliding scale. Tell me, if your leg was broken and the bone sticking out, would you see a preacher to lay his hands upon you, or would you rather be taken to the emergency room? This is the rest of your life we're talking about. Professional therapy for your situation is a bargain at any price.
I went to a therapist off my insurance all through grad school, because she was the help I needed when I needed. I was earning $24K a year. She cost $400 a month even after giving me a discount. Do not use money as an excuse. You need help, woman.
Call your local health department to ask about options for free or low-cost therapy. If you have a college near you, find out if they have a program through which psychology/counseling students do therapy sessions.
It's very common for narcissists to be charming in public, as you said your husband is. That's something they do deliberately so that no one will take their victims seriously when they complain about being mistreated. Please don't let fear of what your family and friends will think stop you from leaving. They aren't the ones who have to live with him. They aren't the ones who will be miserable for the rest of their lives. If you have painted an unrealistically rosy picture of him, it might be time to be honest with them about who he really is. If they can't support you in this, they aren't people you need in your life.
Each day that you put this off is another day that you are miserable.
Listen to Fuss. You are in a place right now where you feel hopeless and you have forgotten that you have autonomy and that you can make decisions for yourself. Don't worry about your family and friends. If they love you, they want what's best for you, whatever that may be.
Get thee to a therapist, STAT. You need to make an investment in yourself now.
This exactly.