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Family Chaos: WWYD?
This is a soap opera so forgive the long post. But I need advice.
Two years ago my MIL discovered my FIL was leading a double life and had been for the entire 35 years they were married. She left him and is trying to move on with her life. Unfortunately, his double life included the involvement of another family member which essentially caused a giant hole in extended family dynamics and is still having horrible ripple effects throughout dozens of lives.
DH was never close with his dad. His dad is an arrogant, selfish, clueless bastard. I think if they had been close, this would have destroyed DH, but thank God for little miracles. DH has been weathering the storm ok. Better than me and it wasn?t even my dad. Slowly FIL has been reaching out to DH and trying to be a better dad. Um yeah.. he kind of missed his window.
FIL?s job required him to travel all over the world which easily enabled his double life. In December, the week before Christmas, FIL is throwing himself a double birthday/retirement party. I?m not sure who exactly is attending this shindig, but I do know that DH?s brother and his wife are going. (That is a whole other story. We are not close with them) FIL really wants us there. I am 100% not going.
Honestly, I do not want DH to go. Because this year is his family Christmas ? we will be going to spend the holidays with his Mom. The weekend before is supposed to be Christmas with my family. His dad?s party is that Friday so DH says that he can fly Friday AM for the party and come back Sat. afternoon and still drive to be with my family Sat. night. I think this is ridiculous. It is a long expensive way to go to celebrate a retirement of a job that caused the destruction of his family. DH feels guilty. He is such a good person with a pure heart. He doesn?t want to go. But feels a duty.
It is causing a big rift with us right now, mostly because I get so upset when he brings it up. He hasn?t decided officially what he is going to do. He doesn?t want me to be upset and I know he would leave with me Friday and keep our plans with my family if I really begged him and told him not to go.
I don?t know what to do. It is eating away at me. I went to therapy when the news first broke because I had such a hard time processing it all.
What would you do? Would you encourage DH to go? Or would ask him to stay home?
Re: Family Chaos: WWYD?
I wouldn't encourage him to go, or ask him to stay home. I'd let him make the decision completely on his own. He knows how you feel about the situation and if he still feels like going is the best decision, let him. Don't let this cause a rift between you two.
I would encourage you to speak to your therapist some more about this.
However, my opinion, take it for what its worth: It is really, really strange how much some people will tolerate from their own families. No matter how much one has been hurt by their family, if the love and the strong ties are still there (even if the bond is not strong) they will probably keep going back. As a spouse, it can be really hard to sit back and watch that.
I would let him make the decision on his own. Based on the fact that he's even considering going though, and he knows the whole story, the chance are pretty good he'd regret NOT going, but he probably wouldn't regret going.
Good luck, I hope things get better for you two.
I agree that it can be really hard to sit back and watch your spouse go back for more "abuse" from family, but like dehko said, people tend to be willing to take a lot from their families and keep going back.
FWIW, I have quite a bit of experience with IL chaos. My MIL is an alcoholic and had H arrested a year into our relationship for hitting her (I was there, he didn't). They didn't talk for several years, but then when it came time for our wedding, he decided to invite her. I wasn't thrilled about her coming, but there was no way I was going to tell him that she couldn't come. The last thing I wanted was for my husband to resent me for not allowing him to do something he felt he needed to do regarding his parent. I would guess that's probably the last thing you want also.
I agree with Diane about therapy.
Do you and DH have the money for him to be able to fly out for 1 day for this party? If you do, I would say let him go. He obviously still wants to be there for his dad. And while his dad apparently isn't the best person in the world, this is still his dad and is the only dad that your DH has ever known.
I agree with pp. You're concerned about the potential repercussions for DH, as well as changing things with your family. Based on convos with my own DH - he is probably way more committed to trying to make this party for his dad than Christmas with your family. Not that he doesn't enjoy time with you family, it just isn't his. I could be wrong, but I know my DH feels this way when we spend time with my family for holidays.
If DH is wanting to go, and not just because he feels guilty (but even then - does the motivation always matter?), he probably needs to be allowed to make the decision on his own. Good luck!
WCIB... I don't know if you are comfortable with this, but if you want to contact me via facebook or email about this to have someone to talk about it with who understands, PLEASE feel free to talk to me. I can't really get into my IL situation in depth here on thenest, but I will tell you that I truly understand. Many of the things you said could have come straight from my own mouth.
I'm here if you need me.
OP-I just wanted to give you my support. If you are aware of my IL situation at all, it is not too different, except that MIL did not leave FIL and FIL is now dying... but otherwise, my sentiments are identical.
Some of the girls on here gave me some advice that I have reminded myself of over and over. DH is the peacemaker in his family. He was terribly hurt by the discovery about FIL, but it is still his dad, and all the memories that they made before this discovery are not negated by thenews... he still was that person to DH. Whether or not we support him (me, specifically) DH isn't able to just turn his back and go the other way. I have to let him do what he needs to do with his dad, because it is his dad. I don't participate or get involved if I can avoid it, but DH has the freedom to choose on his own. I know he i having a tough time accepting what FIL did and dealing with impending passing, so I just smile and nod and listen when he needs an ear.
Good luck with it all-thinking about you!
This for me too... I don't know if we're FB friends or not, but my ILs went through the same thing when DH and I started dating. DH didn't speak to his dad for years but they talk now. Message me on FB or PM me if you want. If you PM me, just have WCIB page me so I know to check.
m/c 7/17/10
Dx: MFI- 3% morph
IUIs: Gonal-F + Ovidrel + b2b IUI= BFNs
IVF with ICSI= BFP! EDD 11/25/11
3/18- Beta #1 452! 3/20- Beta #2 1,026!! 3/27- First u/s- TWINS!
Our twin boys arrived at 36w5d due to IUGR and a growth discordance
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.