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I need your vibes...
DH and I hit a rough patch. I'm not sure how it's going to end. I'm devastated. He's basically been hiding what I'm assuming to be an emotional affair from me. He's been texting my friend, his friends wife, for atleast a month. I confronted him about it two nights ago, he gave me a reasonable excuse for why he was texting her that day. I asked yesterday if she texted him, he said no.
My gut was not right, so I went to the verizon site and checked his messages. That's when I found the month long texts back and forth...and surprisingly, from 6:15 am yesterday to 2:45 pm yesterday.
I called him and told him we needed to talk tonight when I get home from work. He wanted to know why and wouldn't let up, so I told him. I'm tired of being lied to, I don't deserve it, and I'm not going to be in a marriage with it. His response was "I'm done" and hung up on me. Then called me later and said watch this and suspended my cell phone service.
I'm sitting at work. Trying to hold it together...but it's not working....
Re: I need your vibes...
I am sorry to hear this. I ran into a text messaging situation like this before DH and I were engaged. It was really the girl and he was telling her to back off (I have people to support this), but I know how you feel. I remember waiting for him to get home from work and just being a wreck.
Is there some backstory to this on why you suspected it? I had a thought like, uh oh what if you have a birthday or something coming up and they were going to plan a surprise. But when you said he did that with your phone, I thought twice.
I hope you guys can talk and get to the bottom of it!
Here's the backstory:
I came across a text conversation between my H and a good friend of mine (who happens to be the wife of H's best friend)....but he had deleted the beginning half of the conversation...what I came across was this:
H: U got quiet
F: Yeah, I thought E (me) was home...
H: Yeah she is, but I'm at the fire house
F: Oh...haha
H: Text me whenever tomorrow and have a fun last couple minutes of work
F: Ok...I'm clocking out now...can't wait to go to bed.
H: haha
F: Have a good night
H: You too
H swears up and down that nothing is going on, that she was texting him asking him questions about an upcoming CPR class at the firehouse. I asked why he told her to text him tomorrow (today) and he said to let him know if she was going to take it...even though he's not in charge of it. Although, he is the chief. I asked him why he cared if she was taking it and why he didn't tell her to go the person in charge. He has never done anything in the past to make me think he'd cheat...however, other douchebags in my past have. And I don't quite trust her...she flirts and flaunts very easily.
H and I laid in bed for 2 hours lastnight, talking, crying, him pleading his undying love for me...but I can't just let it go. I texted her and asked if she was texting him..she said yes, yesterday, and I asked about what. She said the CPR class, but that my H didn't know any of the answers, so she had to ask someone else. According to H he told her everything.
I am so sorry:(
Sending tons of vibes and juju your way that everything is really completely innocent.
I'm so sorry
((((hugs))))
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This was 100% my thought process as well. I am SO so sorry to hear all this. i really hope that it isn't anything and that you guys are able to move forward. We are all here for you and trust your gut.
He says I don't trust him and he isn't going to be in a marriage with no trust. I told him I do trust him. I know he phsyically would never cheat on me. He brought up the fact that I lied to him about changing the password on the verizonwireless account, and asked what other websites I go onto to spy on him. He also said maybe we should just move on...
I told him I do not want to move on, I think this is something we can fix. That my issue is with him denying (lying) about text messages. And that I felt awful about lying about the verizon account...that is the only time I've ever lied to him about anything.
He basically responded with at this time....he doesn't trust me.
Ouch. Sounds like he's trying to turn this on to you. He needs to remember that he's the one that has been behaving shady.
Sadly, based on your post here he doesn't sound like he wants to work on things. I think that's what needs to be determined. Is he really just giving up on your family?
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what you must be feeling.
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This is very suspicious to me. This says to me that he's trying to deflect his guilt onto you, thus blaming you for and justifying his bad behavior. That is NOT right.
The password thing is so negligible as companies constantly require you to change or upgrade your password to meet their security systems. Even if that's not the reason you changed it, he has proven that you were clearly right to change it.
Him saying that you guys should just move on, seems that he is looking for an easy out. I get the feeling that he'd blame you down the road for everything including the split if you did split. (Parallel to Amanda & douchebag)
Do not let him do this. Ditto Jaime.
Yeah, this is kind of what I'm thinking. The whole turning it around thing is very bothersome and it DOES sound like he it looking for something.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this, Emily.
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This makes me think he has already decided to move on, but he is wanting you to make the call so it can be your "fault." I think his behaivor about this is crap. He is totally trying to put this all on you by making it seems like you are the one lying or sneaking around (passwords etc) when he is really the guilty one. I hate that you are going through this. I recommend counseling, either alone or together. My thoughts are with you too.
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This, upon further thinking of the situation, I am furious.
What does he mean "Let's just move on". Like one incident that he can't even admit to and he's walking away from his wife and child?
What a load of BS, he best be getting his story straight and telling you the truth ASAP.
What Jaime and Jules said. I think he's deflecting on you to make you feel guilty for his infidelity (whether it was just emotional or even physical). I also don't think you trust him otherwise you wouldn't have had to change the pw and lie to him about it. You also wouldn't have suspected the text messages as suspicious and feel the need to check his phone. I've been in a relationship like this and it sucked...I had such an awful feeling in my gut the whole time that something wasn't right and my instinct was dead on. Follow your instinct...that's why we women are blessed with it. I hope your talk tonight goes well and I also agree that it's sad he's so willing to give up on his wife and child. Cutting your phone off is quite the juvenile response that puts the icing on the cake. Good luck and lots of hugs to you.
I'll echo what the others are saying about it being BS that he's trying to turn everything around on you. But sadly, that's what happens when they have a guilty mind. They know what they did/are doing is wrong, but they twist things around to make you look like the bad guy. It's their way of justifying what they're doing. If you're the "bad" person, then it's ok for them to be cheating.
FWIW, it kind of sounds like he's doing the same thing XH did...wanting out, but not taking the initative. K did the same thing -- didn't tell me he wanted to leave until I brought up if he still loved me or not. That's when shiit hit the fan. It's kind of like your situation -- now that it's out there you know about his texts, he's feeling like it's ok to say he's "done". Did you have any suspicions prior to this that he may be unhappy in your marriage?
Again, I'm so so sorry this is happening to you. It's a terrible, horrible, awful thing -- but i know you're a strong and amazing woman and you'll get through it. We're here to help!
He's lying and cheating (emotionally at least) and he's shifting the focus from his actions and decisions to yours.
I would call the husband of the woman in question and tell him exactly what you know. Don't exaggerate, don't understate. Just that what you know. Perhaps the husband knows stuff too, or perhaps he is in the dark. Either way, you have information about his marriage.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I've been there. I wish so badly I had taken stronger action earlier.