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If you buy for one buy for the other
So I have two kids one girl and one boy. My daughter in on punishment right now for having so issues at school. She is also on punishment for not listening and and just normal pre teen aged things. Well on Sunday my mom came into church with a bag that she gave to my daughter. My son became real upset because she gave him nothing. He said not again. Why is she always the one to get things and not me. My mother and I have had so many conversations, agruments about buying for one grandchild and not the other. Her excuse is she finds it hard to find things for my son then my daughter. I feel that's a bunch of B.S. I am tired of trying to explain this do my mother. I have told her then to stop buying for either one if your not going to buy for both then don't buy for either one of them. She also had started wanting to take my daughte out like to get her nails done when she goes. I had to stop that because my son wouldn't be able to go.
She then said that she would start taking one child out on the weekend and then following up with taking the other child the following weekend. Well when it would be my sons weekend she would not take him out saying she had something to do. I again would have to try and explain to my son why when it was his weekend why she didn't come and pick him up. She says that since she raised my daughter (which I don't understand how she raised her when she watched her when I went to work and I picked her up when I got off ) that she has bounded with her. I am just frustrated and hurt because I am tired of seeing my son get upset. My daughter is 12 and my son is 8. My son got 2 A's and 3 B's on his mid term report and usually when my daughter gets good grades she is rewarded by my parnets for it. My son got nothing so if on Sunday you bought a gift for a child that you know was on punishment and taked me into punishing her then why is she kind of being rewarded for being on punishment. NEED ADVICE. I know that my mom loves both my kids but sometimes she has a funny way fo showing it.
Re: If you buy for one buy for the other
That is really difficult. My grandma "liked boys more than she liked girls," as my parents explained to me, which was the reason my younger brother was paid more attention to, etc by her. This was pretty hurtful to me even at a young age.
I'm not quite sure what to do in this situation if talking to her doesn't work. She may "like girls more than boys", but that doesn't give her an excuse to ignore your son. He'll remember it and it will hurt.
What if you don't accept the gifts that she gets for your daughter? You don't have to take them. If there are no "consequences" for favoring your daughter and ignoring your son, she'll continue to do it.
ETA: Also, I don't see how it's really her business what grades your kids get or why she feels the need to reward/punish them. You may need to make her a little less involved; i.e. you don't have to tell her what grades your kids got, you don't have to tell her exactly how your kids are behaving. It sounds like her knowing these things will just give her opportunity to try to reward with presents (unnecessary) or pressure you to punish (not her job).
If she gives your daughter a gift or offers to take her out, just say, "No, it's not fair to Son" and hand her the gift back. If she gets mad, so what?
Your mom is being really cruel to your son.
First of all, if your daugher is on punishment, she shouldn't be allowed to have gifts, AT ALL. Even if your mom purchased gifts for them both, I would hold dd''s gifts until she is clear of punishment.
In your case, I would take the bag from my mom (or take it from my daughter while your mom is there) and tell her it is going to charity, because your mom is not allowed to buy for your daughter when she doesn't buy for your son. She's been told the rules and she doesn't obey, so you'll be turning that gift over to the less fortunate.
I think your mom needs to be less involved in your children's lives. I don't share with my parents my children's grades, good or bad. I think they are both better off if you reduce contact with her. Tell her until she can treat both children similarly / equally she needs to keep her distance and you will only see her on Christmas, her birthday (and her dh's birthday) and on mother's day.
I don?t think it?s necessary for her to buy something for your son every single time she buys something for your daughter as long as she?s rotating the gift-giving.
I do not give something to my granddaughter every single time I give something to my grandson but in the end, the gifts usually even out. An example is birthdays. On my granddaughter?s birthday she gets a box full of stuff from us and everything in it is for her and her only. She knows that when her brother?s birthday (or her mother or father?s BD) rolls around he?s going to get a box full of stuff for him only.
Having said that, I think you need to speak to your mother about her obvious favoritism. It?s not good for the children and she should know better. If she?s not going to give equally to your children, then it?s time for you to start refusing gifts. That's a pretty crappy thing for a grandma to do.Both kids can see a lot less of Grandma till she can manage to behave decently to both of them. Her behavior is very divisive and I'm surprised you tolerate it at all. When Gma gives one a present and not the other, hand the present back and say Both Or None. And walk off.
Your little girl should understand that it is not her fault that she cannot have these gifts, but that Gma is being unfair and how would she feel if the situation were reversed. And this bulllsht that she loves them both? no she does not. Not equally, she doesn't, or she would not deliberately hurt your son in this way. Stop letting her; I'm blaming you as much as your mother for this.
If she is not stopping this behavior on her own after being talked to then it is your responsibility to protect your child's feelings and not allow her to give your daughter gifts or take her places. She is making an obvious effort to bond with one and not the other and it is hurting your son so since she won't put a stop to it, you will have to. Not only can this kind of behavior make him feel less valued as a person, but it can also cause hard feeling between him and his sister, I have seen it happen.
If she buys gifts for your daughter and not your son politely tell her that you have already explained that your son has noticed the preferential treatment and it is hurting his feelings, so unless there are gifts for both of them or she is wanting to take them both places you will not be allowing your daughter to receive gifts from her or go places with her.
Is there a part of the story you aren't sharing that would explain why your mom feels compelled to spoil your DD?
You describe your DD pretty harshly and your son rather glowingly. Is your mom trying to make your DD feel more loved because she is getting the same vibe I am? That your son is the "good" kid and your DD is a PITA? I mean you open this diatribe with a condemnation of her behavior and the consequences for it which aren't germane to your vent about your mom. Do your children have different fathers and perhaps mom is trying to compensate for favoritism there or a dad missing from her life?
Not saying you have to allow this, but examining her motivation could be illuminating.
FWIW, my mother always bought all my nieces clothing and only ever gifted DS on his birthdays and Christmas. He didn't consider clothing a gift so he never thought anything about it. She was in it for the feedback, so she never wasted her money on DS's clothes. A couple of bucks would have been nice during those growth spurts, but whatever. Interestingly, the one person who got her panties bunched up over all the gifts my nieces got was their mom- she was pretty jealous but she had some real mental health issues running in the background.
Do not allow gifts from your mom unless each child is treated the same.
If her feelings are hurt, so be it. Now she will know how your son feels!!!
I'd tell her no gifts except on holidays and then there should be a gift for both children. It is not like a 12 year old needs a constant influx of purses etc anyway. Your mother also doesn't need to reward for grades, that is the parents' job.
The above confused me. Are you saying that your mom taLked you into punishing her? Why is that something your mom has the ability to do? She seems overly involved in the day-to-day with your children.My maternal grandmother did this to my brother and myself. I was two years older than my brother, loved the gifts and was definitely her favorite. I am ashamed to say that I was rather old before I recognized that I was receiving perks that my brother wasn't. Now, I do not believe that everything has to be even-steven, but when it is habitual and excused (by the adult) it is a definite problem. My brother once cried to my mother about why didn't Grandma love him as much. Face it, that's more going through a young child's mind than a "gimme" attitude.
And then it started happening with my father towards my son - leaving my daughter's out. I myself excused it for a while because they had other people to dote on them, and because I figured it was just par for the course (my son was the only grandson in a sea of granddaughters). It brought resentment towards my father in at least one of my daughters.
However, when my ILs were showing obvious and overt favoritism to my BILs and my SILs families, it suddenly dawned on me that I've been wearing selective blinders. My son was truly hurt by something really big, and my daughters maintained a hurt resentment, not over stuff, but by their feeling of worth in their grandparents eyes.
Honestly, if I had to do everything all over from scratch again I would keep the counseling I gave my kids that this was a failing in the adults not themselves, but I would counsel the "golden" child into turning things down/away when given, or to split things with their sibling infront of the grandparent, maybe even pushing back a little with how they don't like how unbalanced things are between themselves and their sibling.
As for visits with the grandmother...give her a push...she's not going to bond with the second born the way she could with the first, but that's not meaning that she can't be bonded with a strength and uniqueness of their own. Give her ideas, give her errands or day trips that she must do if and when your son visits her overnight/for the day. Don't let her claim ignorance over what to do or how to entertain him .... construct it for her...think of it as training wheels until she buys a clue. After some time, if she can't handle it, pull back on visits for either kid but tell her flatly why you are pulling back.
I think the 12 yo is old enough to speak-up for her brother and tell gma that this isn't right. If she's not old enough, she's about to be at 13 or 14 yo. It would be a good life lesson to have an open dialogue and expectation of fairness with her. It's a wonderful teaching moment and an opportunity for the older sibling to really change the course of this thing.
If your DD just wants the stuff and doesn't care about her younger brother's feelings, then you have a whole new something to start teaching.
Thanks for all the feed back. I will take some of the comments made into consideration.