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feeling down today
StbX was out of town this past week and got back last night. I realized that with him away I actually enjoyed the weekend (just me and the kids. We went to the park, had dinner out - it was great!). I haven't enjoyed weekends in a long time (2+ years) and always looked forward to heading back to work on Mondays. I thought it was stress of parenting but now I think it was StbX stressing out over parenting and me watching it him being miserable to spend time with us.
so I was feeling good... but today two co-workers who I haven't seen in a while both asked how "Family" and "Spouse" were doing. I haven't told my co-workers and I starting thinking how $hitty this whole situation is.
This wasn't how my life was supposed to turn out 
and now I'm practically crying in my office and I have a meeting in 15 minutes.
Re: feeling down today
I'm really sorry to hear that. I think that it is really important for your well being to look into separate living arrangements. It's really unhealthy for you to have to continue to be around your STBXH and it sounds like all of this pretending isn't helping either. I think being in limbo is what's probably causing the most pain. I don't remember your entire situation, but what is preventing you from being able to have separate living arrangements?
Also I think it's important to remember this isn't how your life turned out. You aren't dead:) You're life is just changing course, and now you are in full control of how it moves forward.
THIS
Thanks so much ladies, you are all great!
We living together til summer when we can refinance our house in just StbXs name(his mom, who's helping, has her money is locked up until then). Once I'm off that mortgage I can afford to buy or rent another place. And our youngest will start kindergarten after summer which will free up his childcare fees.
When you consult with your lawyer, they can explain this better, but there are ways to proceed with the divorce and have the above in writing while at the same time relinquishing you from the responsibility of mortgage payments. The downside is that if he defaults, your name is still on the mortgage, but considering it sounds like he wants to keep the house this might work. Just letting you know that you have options to consider. Also are you sure he'll be able to re-fi in the summer? I hope I'm not coming across as judgy, because that's not my intent, I just hate to see you in this situation for longer then may be necessary.
Pdx - thanks for the info -not judgy at all :)I'll be sure to get advice from my lawyer on exactly that.
I don't know for sure that he refi will be approved - that was exactly what I said when we wanted to change the title 6 months before the refi. I'm guessing it will go through as his mom plans to give $$ towards the mortgage, add her name to the title/mortgage, remove me and ultimately StbX will have a lower payment. She also plans to move in with him!!! which I really hope she does as she is an awesome grandma and will make sure the kids are happy when they are at their dads (and it will prevent anyone else, say a slutty girlfriend as a random example, from moving into my old bedroom!!! for a while at least)