Vent: DH

jennuinne · October 2011

DH is working really long hours and has 2 days off, but not 2 in a row. And he gets up really early. So, this week, he's basically come home and gone straight to bed -- grumpy, tired, doesn't kiss me goodnight, hardly speaks to me. Today we both are home and he's still grumpy and totally ignoring me. And I have PMS and need a lot of attention! And I told him this, but he's still grumpy and ignoring me in a zombie-like state. I know he's working hard and is tired, but I feel very neglected and sad/mad about it.

jennuinne · October 2011

Thus all the nesting today...

amandasw · October 2011

I just popped on to see if anything was going on - I'm sorry about this

I can totally understand living with a H who works a lot and is totally worn out by the time he gets home. And I know that the last thing I want to do is then doing something for him when it doesn't feel like he's doing anything for me. BUT that won't stop me from saying that really, the best thing to do in this situation is to be the affectionate one in an effort to get things back on the right track - at least for us I know that this can work

jennuinne · October 2011

amandasw:
I just popped on to see if anything was going on - I'm sorry about this I can totally understand living with a H who works a lot and is totally worn out by the time he gets home. And I know that the last thing I want to do is then doing something for him when it doesn't feel like he's doing anything for me. BUT that won't stop me from saying that really, the best thing to do in this situation is to be the affectionate one in an effort to get things back on the right track - at least for us I know that this can work

I made him dinner on Friday -- this pasta that's his fav and he's been asking for. And I have been making an effort, although I could do more. I just feel like I'm getting NO reaction, so it's really frustrating.

sarack · October 2011

i'm really sorry. the hard part is that if you do something, it may not be what he wants...

i'd probably read more into it and be upset that although he's working hard at work, that doesn't mean he can't kiss me goodnight and or be sweet to me. you should probably give him affection, that will likely be reciprocated. my thing is that we all work hard, well i think most of us do, but it wouldn't be acceptable behavior for us to ignore our Hs.

i'd let him know that you love him, love on him a bit, and hopefully he'll return the favor.

tell him that not kissing you goodnight is no bueno, love sarack.

karimychel · October 2011

I'm sorry that sucks.

amandasw · October 2011

I'm sorry

I think you should mention the things that bother you most (lack of affection) in the context of a discussion about how he's handling all the work. Basically have a discussion where you both recognize how hard things are as well as what you both need. Maybe his response is "I need to be able to come home and do nothing", yes that's ok to some extent, but not at the cost of your relationship. I hope it improves soon!

uwhuskygirl · October 2011

amandasw:
I'm sorry I think you should mention the things that bother you most (lack of affection) in the context of a discussion about how he's handling all the work. Basically have a discussion where you both recognize how hard things are as well as what you both need. Maybe his response is "I need to be able to come home and do nothing", yes that's ok to some extent, but not at the cost of your relationship. I hope it improves soon!

Exactly the bolded part. This is sorta an on going problem at our house. About a year ago, when work was particularly grueling for me, H sat me down one night and told me exactly what you're feeling. He was really sad that I'd come home from work, we'd have dinner and I'd pass out on the couch for a few hours, then answer emails till we went to bed, where there was no sexxytime to be had.

That was a huge wake up call for me. I have never seen H so sad in my life when he asked if it was something that he was doing to make me avoid him. I had to tell him that I was letting work consume my life and he was an innocent bystander. I've never felt so awful in my life.

There are some days and weeks when it's still like that, but I make a huge effort to spend as much time with him. I really try and limit my time working at home on off hours as much as I can, and as far as I know things are better. He gets that sometimes I do just need to fall asleep at 7 and be done for the rest of the night and sometimes I need to get some work done at home, but on the flip side, I definitely make an effort to snuggle and have more sexxytime.

When he first came to talk to me, I was super upset bc all I could think was "but this is my job, what else do you want me to do?" and I was feeling pretty defensive. But then after we talked about it a little more I realized it was that he felt like I was the random roommate that he lived with and I hated that I caused that. Had he not come to me to tell me that, I don't think I would have realized how much it upset him.

It might not be an easy talk, but it's a talk you need to have with your H.

jennuinne · October 2011

I was understanding all week that he was so tired and I felt bad for him. Friday, I made his favorite dinner and let him go to bed. Saturday I made him leftovers and rubbed his back and let him go to bed. Today (his day off), I was very excited and said I know how hard he's working and that he's tired and I've missed him and how excited I was to be able to spend the day with him. I tried to be very cudly and affectionate, but he was ignoring me and just wanted to watch TV and zone out. So, I said that I missed him and needed some attention. No dice. I left him alone for a while and tried to cuddle again, but he just wanted to watch TV and was being grumpy. I only got frustrated after multiple attempts to cudle and spend time with him. Including one time when I straddled him on the couch and he leaned around me to change the channel and watch TV!

But, he's in a better mood now. Maybe he has PMS too.

jennlin · October 2011

i have nothing to add other than i'm sorry that he was being a butt, but i'm glad he's feeling better now.

i've always been super emotional, and talked about my feelings..so whenever h is being a butt, i tell him, and he fixes the problem (right away)...even though he slides later and it happens again....boys just need coaching....

picksthemusic · October 2011

Aww, you poor thing! I hate it when my DH does this. He gets super quiet and ignores me when he's mad or tired or upset or dealing with stuff. I like to talk things out and am pretty needy when dealing with things, so we're pretty opposite like that, and we've had to learn to deal with it. Mainly, I've had to learn to back off when I see that he's in one of those moods. Sometimes I have to say straight out that I need some attention or conversation, or just a hug and kiss to let me know things are okay with us, and if he still needs alone time, that's okay, I just need reassurance that we're okay and he just needs to process. And then I can move on and do whatever I need to do, or go distract myself with something else (like a book or baking or whatever I can do), and then I also try to see if there's something I can do to help him. He doesn't like to analyze things or talk things out much, so I ask if there's anything he needs, or whatever, and usually it's just to be left alone. But if I bake him something, or do something nice for him, he usually perks up.

I understand you're in a needy spot, though, so try to do things for yourself (maybe a hot bath with bubbles and candles and music?) until he's ready to be there for you.

Vent: DH

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