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Help - I don't know what to do
This is going to be long. I'm sorry.
Backstory:
My husband and my mom don't exactly get along. He's somewhat anal retentive about neatness and clutter and my mom will come visit and bring three suitcases of crap (toys and clothes for Madeline, stuff of mine from our house, everything my sister or I ever touched in hopes Madeline will want it, etc). She is rather opinionated and has at times commented on our letting Madeline cry when we put her down, which usually lasts about five minutes absolute max but usually ends before we even leave the room because she never let us cry.
My dad left on my mom's 30th birthday, leaving her with two kids under the age of 3. She dated when I was younger but never remarried. The reason I include that is because of that situation, she's a little on the obsessed side with my sister and I. She wants to know every detail of every day, calls every morning before work and when I'm in the car on the way home - even though we've probably emailed a ton during the day.
My husband lost his job at the end of June. My mother always scraped and saved for everything so has just assumed we're borderline homeless, which we are not even anywhere close to.
The story:
The first weekend of this month, she came out for one of her regular visits (she comes out every four to six weeks). I told her before she flew out that the job subject with my husband was off limits. That is a private family matter and he's extremely sensitive about it.
We made it through the weekend, and on Monday I went to work. She was leaving that evening so he was going to run her to the airport around 4. I got a text from him at about 1 saying "I don't care how she gets to the airport but I'm not taking her anywhere."
Turns out that my mom decided to start peppering him with questions about the job search. She then launched into a whole speech about how he should take any job he can find so that I can be a stay-at-home mom because that's what she always wanted for me (even though I'd never expressed that desire myself).
I left work early, met her at the house and took her to the airport. She apologized to him and told me he must have misinterpreted the conversation, which I doubt. Now she's ready to come back out and my husband isn't ready for her to visit, and I don't blame him.
I'm stuck. Obviously I love my mother and know that in some bizarre way she meant well, but my priority is my husband and our relationship. It took weeks for me to mend the mess she made the last time she was here.
Help. Any advice? Did anyone even make it this far? Ugh. If only I could drink myself into a stupor.
Re: Help - I don't know what to do
I'm not the best at advice but I would say have her skip at least one of her 4-6 week visits. She brought up a subject that she was SPECIFICALLY told was off limits. Even if the conversation was misinterpreted she still brought up the subject of a job. Maybe if you remind her of why she's skipping a visit maybe she'll do a better job of not overstepping her boundaries.
But you deserve a hug for having to go through this. Having your Dh and mom on opposite ends must be so tough for you!
I think the idea of having her understand the ramifications of her behavior is a good idea. I DREAD the conversation because she will just hang up on me when I say something she doesn't want to hear.
It has been so tough. I hate it so much but I have to stand firm. After this I have to have the conversation that we don't want company for Christmas. She was out for 9 days last year so we had no time to ourselves over the holidays. We think it's perfectly reasonable to tell her we want every other Christmas to just be us, but I know it's going to be a disaster of a conversation.
All of this. I would tell her that "we" (you and your DH, not just your DH) are not ready for another visit yet in light of the last one. I'd tell her that hopefully it will work out next month and that I would appreciate it if she would respect my wishes during that visit.
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Our twin boys arrived at 36w5d due to IUGR and a growth discordance
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
I'm with these ladies. You definitely set some boundaries before she came and she chose not to follow them.
Good luck with telling her- those conversations are never easy
I think that Katie hit the nail on the head here.
Unfortunately, I don't have any advice to help make the conversation go any smoother. :-( Sorry you're in such a sucky situation here!
I agree with all the pp and think this is a time you have to be especially careful to use assertive language as opposed to something that can be considered aggressive. I'm sure you would anyway, but it sounds like your mom would be extra sensitive to it. If she is wanting to know every detail of every day, be honest, "Mom, I feel disrespected and hurt when you ignore the request that you not talk with DH about the job situation, I want to know that when I ask something of you, you will understand and respect that it is for the right reasons and you will follow through. Because we both feel disrespected, we are asking for a little extra space currently and feel another visit would go more smoothly at a later date." She won't like it, but she has to respond to the fact of how it made you feel as opposed to immediately taking ownership for what she did.
Good luck! Those conversations are always hard. My MIL makes me feel awful when we travel to see my family at Christmas (every other year) because it changes 'her' traditions. Yeah? Well, being with her family would change mine. Thankfully DH and I both agree on these points
I agree too. I always try to put myself in the position if this was my MIL saying those things to me. It seems more cut and dry that way though
I have a hard time when my parent's plans and my DH's don't agree b/c I'm a people pleaser, so I feel for you. I hope everything goes well.
I completely agree with this. She needs to know the gravity of her actions by understanding your feelings and how you and your marriage were impacted by her choices.